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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect PIL to pay for the presents they bought the DCs for Christmas?

62 replies

Virgil · 09/01/2013 13:59

Bracing myself.... I don't usually do AIBUs!

PIL asked what the Dcs would like for Christmas. They do this every year and I have no problem with providing suggestions to fit their budget (even though I struggle to think of gifts myself!). This year it was something they wouldn't have a clue about and it was an ebay store selling and so I offered to order the gifts to be delivered to their house. In total they came to ninety pounds which I have paid for.

The money for these has not materialised. We have seen them three times since then. AIBU to ask for it? This has happened twice before. I ought to have learnt my lesson!!

They also then bought the DCs a book each but when we left their house on Christmas Day the books had disappeared and I couldn't find them. We subsequently went to their house and I saw the books upstairs. DS2 has been asking for his and was disappointed when I told him I couldn't find it. He then also saw it at PIL house and said that he'd asked to bring it home and they'd then said it didn't belong to him it belonged to them and he couldn't bring it home.

AIBU to say "oh did we leave the DCs books here on Christmas Day" or would you just drop it over a book?

OP posts:

diddl · 09/01/2013 14:34

Did you spend too much & they either can´t pay back or won´t to try & make a point?

pigletmania · 09/01/2013 14:34

Well don't buy fgs on their behalf next time

pigletmania · 09/01/2013 14:35

Gifts sorry

Snazzynewyear · 09/01/2013 14:35

I agree with HerRoyal 's suggestion - if you know where they are, next time you're in the house just put them in your bag. I very much doubt they will ask you about them but if they do, simply say 'Oh, I saw them and realised they'd been left here so I took them back to ours. DS has been waiting to read them' DO NOT apologise or go into detail beyond that. Present it as the perfectly rational thing to do - which it is.

Second best alternative, I would ask for the books directly, but again without lots of justifying - say 'Oh I'll pick up the DC's books whule we're here. Where are they?' (and then if they 'don't know', you can 'amazingly' catch sight of them - how lucky! - when you go upstairs to the bathroom).

As for the Christmas presents, next year say 'I can't think of anything as they change their minds all the time. It's best if you give us/them the money and we'll take them on a trip to the toy shop to pick something themselves'. Do not waver from this or feel bad.

If you want this year's £90 you will have to ask for it yourself. I would do this as directly as possible. 'can I have that money I spent on your presents from the DC? (if they haven't got it) OK, well I'm coming past on Thursday so can I pick it up then?' Repeat as needed.

smornintime · 09/01/2013 14:39

My DM buys things to keep at her house but it works really well as we are round there all the time.

I would ask about the book definitely and would be tempted re the money too.
And never buy anything on their behalf again. Ever. Unless you get the cash first :)

Original poster

Virgil · 09/01/2013 14:42

didi. No they told me the budget and I told them the cost of the items and what they were and checked that was ok with them before ordering.

OP posts:

HoneyDragon · 09/01/2013 14:42

Rock the fucking boat! If they refuse to speak to you again you'll have no more problems with them over gifts.

They might have done a lot for your dh, that doesn't give them an entitlement to be mean to his children though.

Vagaceratops · 09/01/2013 14:43

My Mum is like this so you have my sympathies Virgil.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 09/01/2013 14:43

Frankly, I'd rock the boat. But if you don't feel you can:

Next time you're at their house, find the books and put them in your bag.
Next time they have birthdays, give them a birthday card and write in it "wasn't sure what to buy, so here is some money to spend on yourself" and don't include any money. If they comment, you can say "ooh sorry, I'll write you a cheque" and then don't.

whatphididnext · 09/01/2013 14:45

Next time you are there, ask for the books, let the kids read them for a few seconds then pop them in your bag.
Then PIL have to justify asking for them back.

If they say, 'we want the kids keep them here'
Laugh like Miranda's mother "ha-ha-ha, that would be too cruel, I'm off tra-la-la"

It's not worth festering over this though, either ask for the money and books now or let it go.

I am a festerer-of-note but my NY resolution is to fester less, so you can borrow this NY resolution from me if you like?

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 09/01/2013 14:46

BadRoly - I'd phone them on a daily basis and say "ooh, that cheque still hasn't arrived, just checking you've posted it, I'm worried it has got lost". Every day.

diddl · 09/01/2013 14:47

Well, that´s me stumped then!

Just noticed that it has happened twice before!!

Well, it´s just fine & dandy to give a budget when you´re not intending to pay back!

And I agree that in future they buy presents themselves!

dreamingofsun · 09/01/2013 14:56

perhaps they are struggling for money? Could you say something along the lines.... I know its a nightmare at this time of year as i'm pretty broke myself, if you can't pay me back for X/Y's present in one go would you like to do it in installments over the next few weeks?

you could ask them where they got the books from as your children would love to have some at home of their own as they really liked them? so you were thinking of buying them some?

Original poster

Virgil · 09/01/2013 15:00

They're definitely not struggling for money

OP posts:

DPotter · 09/01/2013 15:27

I also get this from PIL for several years - will I buy something for DD and Dp & me. At first we would get a cheque to cover but this hasn't happened for last few yrs; fortunately I'm so badly organized that I've forgotten to buy anything.......honestly forgot at first and then realized what a good idea it was. If anything ever does turn up (and they can more than afford it) it can go in DD's savings a/c. Ask the both the money and the books and next time (birthdays and Christmas) just ask them for money / cheque for savings.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 09/01/2013 16:59

I find that people like this generally aren't struggling for money, and this may be connected to the fact that they are taking it from other people!

You are going to have to be thicker skinned than they are. Ask them directly for the money. Every time you see them. Don't be polite about it - just ask.

Agree with other people who say just go and get the books. My parents do buy some things for the boys that they keep at their house, but they look after them after school once a week so it's a good idea to have something there to play with.

thegreylady · 09/01/2013 17:05

Honestly just get the books next time you are there.I would say that you 'forgot' to take them home and how much the dc like them.
Re thr present money-that is bizarre.Initiate a conversation in which you ask if they chose the books as an additional gift or because they felt they couldnt afford what you got on their behalf.Say that if they are struggling a bit you dont need it all at once-not to worry just pay in installments and give me what you can manage today :) :)

FryOneFatManic · 09/01/2013 17:08

EndoplasmicReticulum I think I agree with your assessment that it's people who have more money who manage to get others to pay for things.

In a previous job I saw higher earners being more concerned with claiming every last bit of expenses than those at the bottom. EG making sure they claimed for each and every coffee, whereas many people in the lower pay scales didn't always bother claiming for coffee.

I think the OP should just calmly remind the PIL that as per discussions before Xmas, the presents she bought on their behalf cost £x, and could they please now reimburse her as the bill is due (assuming it's on a credit card).

CarlingBlackMabel · 09/01/2013 17:12

Just ask them if now is a good time to settle up for the christmas bills. Say 'I was just checking my PayPal and realised we haven't settled up for the Christmas presents - is now a good time?'
'oh, and the children loved those books, were you intending to keep them at your house or shall we pick them jup when we visit?'

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 17:15

you have to "rock the boat"

your PILs made you spend money (that you otherwise wouldn't have spent) on presents whilst promising to pay you for them.
that's intent to deceive and take money with false pretences.

They bought books for your DCs and then didn't let them take them with you - that's actually theft (once a present has been given, the law sees it as the recipient's property and taking it back is seen as taking items without the owner's consent, which is theft).

Rock the fucking boat! they've stolen from you, not once but twice on this occasion, and they're stolen from you in the past!

don't let it rest, and get the books back, and if you can't get the money back, make damn sure that you ask for it every single time you see them.

your DH is being a twat.

axure · 09/01/2013 17:32

Either ask for the £90 when you see them next, it, if you find that too awkward, write it up to experience and never buy on their behalf again.
If getting hold of the books is going to cause a major drama, could you not just buy your own copies?
Don't let your ILs cause a rift between you and DH. It sounds as though they use money as a means of control.

HoratiaWinwood · 09/01/2013 17:36

I don't think it is unreasonable for them to keep the odd thing at their house for the DCs to do / look forward to when they visit. I would therefore definitely let the books go.

There are cheerful, polite ways of asking for the £90 though. Use any and all of them.

SantasENormaSnob · 09/01/2013 17:44

Yanbu

I would totally rock the boat over this.

LillianGish · 09/01/2013 17:48

What CarlingBlackMabel said. Ask reasonably - if they don't cough up then chalk it up to experience and don't make the same mistake again. I don't have a problem with grandparents keeping toys at their house - mine do this (in fact we jokingly bought a tennis Wii game for Christmas this year which we knew they would love - to keep at our house as they don't have a Wii!). I can't believe they would say no if you askd to bring the books home though.

sparkle12mar08 · 09/01/2013 18:08

It's quite easy to deal with actually - you just phone and say "The credit card bill has arrived for the dc's Christmas presents that you asked us to pay for. It's £x and we really need it back as it's a bit of a tight month after christmas, so could you pay it direct into our account/send the cheque as soon as possible?" Then give it a week and call them back if nothing has arrived and say "I think you're going to need to call the bank and cancell the cheque you sent/ask where the payment went because we haven't recieved anything. Sorry to bother you about it but we really do need it so if you could get on to them it would be really helpful." I doubt they'd be as crass as to not give it to you, but if they don't then at least you'll know exactly where you stand...

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