To ask DS to contribute 'rent'?

[herladyship]

DS is 18.

He works 28 hours a week at a gym, and is a retained firefighter.

He pays his own phonebill & car insurance/petrol, but this still leaves him with around £600 disposable income every month. We've talked about him contributing to household, and he agreed (we didn't specify a figure!) but I've been talking to friends with teens & popular opinion seems to be against me! Most people have commented it is 'old fashioned' or that it's mean if we don't 'need' the money..

DH has suggested we set an amount & then put it away for DS to have in future, but if we are doing that, maybe it would it be better to just encourage him to manage his own saving?

What does the MN jury think?
(ps: would prefer not to be flamed, as this is first ever AIBU )

brilliant cross post

I asked 20% of whatever dd earned, it went towards household bills and food.

At 16, I was told I either get a job and contribute rent or I get out. My mother made it perfectly clear to me that I wasn't going to be "spoilt" any longer.

It's been 9 years, and I still don't know how I managed to juggle full-time education and three part-time jobs. And even then, I had no cash because they took 60% off me for rent/food contributions, and then I had to pay for my own transport, leisure and food for college.

I still hate my mother, for reasons obvious.

Oh, and YANBU, but don't be horrendous about it!

i am fed up with 19 soon to be 20 dd just signed on and not particularly job hunting.
Got £60 a month off her!
Said that if she lived alone it would cost loads more for food and bills and it might encourage her to get A job!

I paid 'keep' from 17 which was 1/3 of my take home pay to a maximum of £240 a month (which was what they could have got from a lodger plus some for food less a deduction for doing my own laundry and the time I spend at DP's ) All very offical!

DS willdo the same and if he complain he can always try getting a bettee deal elsewhere.

YADNBU. My rule when I was young and the same I will do for DD is that I wont charge for board while still in FT education.

After that, board is paid. I moved oit straight after uni, to go travelling, but moved back two years later for a year. For that year now DH and I paid £250pm.between the two of us.

www.loveandlogic.com/pages/getalife.html

this might be useful :)

jazzy I had a similar experience at 17 with my mum expecting £300 pm whilst at college. Needless to say I resented it. I'm not sure on this one. I think there are better ways to teach responsibility, budgeting & saving to your children than effectively sponging from them. Life out there is tough enough as a teen.

I think if it were say an adult child 25+ living at home then I think it would be different.

JammyBean - what I resented was the fact that, literally, I turned 16 and all of a sudden I was "an adult" with "responsibility" and "bills". There was so slow descent into adulthood. It was "Grow up today or you can off!". I ended up exhausted and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and then when my results came through from school they hounded me for weeks about how I wasn't living up to their expectations and the grades I received weren't good enough!

I found it incredibly tough, and I've vowed never to do that to my children. There are much easier ways of teaching responsibility.

I don´t think that whether or not OP "needs" it is an issue tbh.

There comes a point that you have to pay your way.

I suppose if it isn´t "needed" it can be put aside by OP.

I used to give parents a third, save a third, have a third to spend.

My soon to be 19 year old is at his grans, works nearly 40 hours a week and pays her 150pounds a month and has to pay all his own expenses he's learning to drive and is saving for a car and insurance. Other son working full time pays nearer to 300pounds. Pays all his own expenses, car payment/insurance etc etc. She provides most food and like to do the laundry, keeps her in control I think LOL.

There's a very distinct difference between charging a child in full time education who would struggle to pay much, if anything due to studies, and charging an adult child who is working full time.

diddl Tue 08-Jan-13 20:46:50

I used to give parents a third, save a third, have a third to spend.

15 years ago I paid about £40 a week to my mum for my 'keep' (about 1/4 of my salary). It was great for helping me budget before going to uni and I knew money and toiletries didn't grow on trees. I also had to watch my phone bill as mum would pay up to x amount and I'd then have to pay the rest.

After uni, one of my friends returned to live at home and paid rent to her parents. It was good for her mortgage application and when she left, her parents gave her a lump sum back which she wasn't expecting at all.

I'll definitely be doing the same for DD if she's at home.

By phone bill, I mean landline at home (no snazzy mobiles!). Mum would pay the usual amount but if it crept up, I'd have to pay the difference.

YANBU. When I was doing a YTS and getting £29.50 a week, I paid my parents £5. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things but a contribution in proportion to my income.

Of course he should pay board. He is a working adult.

It is not at all "mean".

You are helping him to learn how to be an adult.

Having all of his money for "spending money" would not be helping him to be an adult.

I think your suggestion of £150 is spot on - it will help teach some financial responsibility too and if you're saving it for him, that will be a real help towards a deposit. Going from living at home and having all your earnings as spending money to living independently can be a real shock.

my dd1 contributes 15% of her wages to the household pot every pay day. When or if dd2 stays at home then she will also be expected to contribute 15% of her income to the household pot.

If they want to save - great, dd1 has a good deal of disposable income and I have let her know about ISA's and savings accounts - but I can't force her to live my way and nor should I expect her to

I think he should pay a contribution but I do think that how much you keep and how much you save on his behalf depends on how much choice he gets in the household.

I say this because my DM took 'housekeeping' from me but didnt give me any choice in the food she bought or cooked. All cooking was food DF liked (stews - bleugh!).

I will add dd1 left home for nearly two years - so knows which side her bread is buttered! I often get a phone call when she is in tesco asking me if I need anything, she empties the dishwasher without being asked and she makes her self food at times and she cleans up after herself living away from her family home did her good - she knows how much gas, electric, water council tax costs

Ask for a contribution of £120-200 per month. Not enough to be considered rent, but enough to ensure he doesn't get used to the situation and is unprepared for when he moves out. What you do with the money is your choice. If you don't need it then keep it and when he wants to buy a flat you can give it to him to help cover legal fees of as a start towards getting a deposit.

DS is very fit & active, he follows quite a strict 'gym' diet that I'm happy to cater for when shopping so he gets his choice of meals. I also do his laundry, but he does his own ironing & cooks sometimes. He looks after DD (12) if required & also helps out with elderly FIL who lives with us (granny annexe).