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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DS to contribute 'rent'?

119 replies

herladyship · 08/01/2013 18:03

DS is 18.

He works 28 hours a week at a gym, and is a retained firefighter.

He pays his own phonebill & car insurance/petrol, but this still leaves him with around £600 disposable income every month. We've talked about him contributing to household, and he agreed (we didn't specify a figure!) but I've been talking to friends with teens & popular opinion seems to be against me! Most people have commented it is 'old fashioned' or that it's mean if we don't 'need' the money..

DH has suggested we set an amount & then put it away for DS to have in future, but if we are doing that, maybe it would it be better to just encourage him to manage his own saving?

What does the MN jury think?
(ps: would prefer not to be flamed, as this is first ever AIBU Grin)

OP posts:
HoratiaWinwood · 08/01/2013 18:29

Absolutely. Don't let him get used to having money, or he will get used to spending it

Putting it aside for him - with or without his knowledge - is a good idea.

pointedlynoresolutions · 08/01/2013 18:29

I'd make him pay a substantial amount, to cover food and utility bills. You can save some of it for him, but you won't be doing him any favours by letting him keep all his income - he'll get a rude awakening when he moves out if you do.

Original poster
herladyship · 08/01/2013 18:32

ermm.. I posted that he pays for car & mobile as well as including his disposable income as I thought it was relevant to rent question, not because I think he should be 'congratulated'!

Both are 'essential' to me, the mobile because we don't have a landline at home & the car beachside without it he couldn't get to either of his jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
herladyship · 08/01/2013 18:33

Beachside??! = because Grin

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 08/01/2013 18:33

Ds1, now 28, was expected to pay 25 quid a week when he first started working.

Figgyroll · 08/01/2013 18:34

Personally, I don't like the term 'rent' when it comes to children paying for living at home. My mum used to call it a household contribution and now we do the same with our son. He pays a nominal amount towards his food and the utilities. He's always been happy to do this.

He has a girlfriend now and they are saving towards a deposit for their own home so I am squirrelling this money away and will present it to them when they find their dream home. It will help them enormously.

garlicbollocks · 08/01/2013 18:38

I don't know if this is a good idea or not ... I was thinking you could maybe tell him you're going to charge £200 rent (one-third of income is supposed to be a fair housing budget) then, when he kicks off, give him an alternative of saving £200 a month towards his own place.

If he agrees to the rent anyway, you can always come clean and tell him you're going to save it towards his own place. Either way, the point gets made and the independence fund started.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2013 18:38

YANBU

He should contribute financially if he is living at home and working.

JollyToddles · 08/01/2013 18:39

I paid rent once I was working. So did most people I know. Lots of parents saved it for their offspring though. Mine did without telling me and gave me it when I moved to help with costs.

purpleloosestrife · 08/01/2013 18:40

My aunt who was generally of the most easy going,mild and non-disciplarian parenting style made my cousin pay "rent"

She didn't need the money and secretly squirrelled it away.

She (quite rightly) believed my cousin would not be mature enough at 18 to realise the benefits of a regular saving habit. In her late 20's my cousin decided she wanted to buy a house - and worked out that it would take her a while about 6 years of living off baked beans to save for a deposit ..... my aunt let her save for a few months and then presented my cousin with the saved rent. My cousin was over the moon!!

thegreylady · 08/01/2013 18:42

Maybe £100/£150 a month and save it for him until he leaves home.

racingheart · 08/01/2013 18:44

YANBU at all.
To help him understand where money goes when you earn, take off him what he costs you, plus some 'rent' which you can put aside into a savings account for a deposit on his first home - whether it's rental or mortgage.

Go through with him what the costs are: from a third of all utility and food bills to phone and tv license etc. Explain why you are doing it. Not fleecing him, but treating him like an adult and helping him understand what life costs - where the money goes and what it's for.

But be prepared for his input. If he wants to buy cheaper food or switch utility provider, you'll need to compromise.

When it's our turn to do the same, I plan to save everything they hand over into a savings account for them, but not tell them.

It's not their fault that mortgages and rents are so high these days, so helping them get sorted out in their first homes of their own is only fair.

BacardiNCoke · 08/01/2013 18:44

If you find a way to get him to pay rent without all hell breaking loose then let me know. Have been wanting rent off 20 DSD who works full time since DH lost his job back in August. It's not a topic that goes down well!

YANBU BTW.

StuntGirl · 08/01/2013 18:51

Am Shock at that Bacardi. Quite frankly I'd be having a serious discussion with him about financial responsibility. If he refuses to contribute to the household he'd be asked to move out here.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 08/01/2013 18:53

He should pay rent - 25% of his 'take home pay' is average round here between my son and his friends.

twofingerstoGideon · 08/01/2013 18:59

Wow, Bacardi I agree with StuntGirl. I'm also a bit Shock

OP, Yes, you should charge your DS something - even if it's a token amount like £100-150/month. It will teach him responsibility and of course it costs money having him living at home!

Pandemoniaa · 08/01/2013 19:07

We had a simple rule. Anyone in post-16 education was exempt from rent. Once you'd left college or university you were expected to make a contribution to household expenses.

I didn't believe that they needed to pay rent out of the small, part-time wages they earned while at college (because I was no longer paying for their clothes, phones, social lives or holidays) but equally, I wasn't prepared to support anyone who thought that living at home was a free hotel.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 08/01/2013 19:10

YANBU

I paid "rent" to my parents at 18 of £150 a month and that was 11 years ago!

Bananapickle · 08/01/2013 19:17

I think it's absolutely right for adult children who are working to pay. I had to pay but my parents decided to keep all the money (I was paying £210 per month). I really wish they had put some of it aside for when I left home as I wasn't earning enough to save any money myself.
If I were you I would charge rent, take out what you really need and then give the rest as a gift when they leave home, it's be a great surprise!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/01/2013 19:24

"I've been talking to friends with teens & popular opinion seems to be against me! Most people have commented it is 'old fashioned' or that it's mean if we don't 'need' the money.."
Your friends are idiots, pity help their children when they fly the net and get a real shock about the cost of living.

YANBU to ask your DS to contribute.

diabolo · 08/01/2013 19:39

Don't all working children who still live at home pay "board" (as it's called up North).

littlemisssarcastic · 08/01/2013 19:44

YANBU.

My DS paid 1/4 of his take home pay as a contribution. He also has to pay his own mobile phone bill, run his own car and anything else he wants. DS has a very busy social life, but housekeeping comes first.
DS complained at first, because his best friend paid nothing towards his household expenses, even though his best friend earned more than DS.
I even had DS's best friend come to see me to try to persuade me to stop charging DS. I refused. Household contribution is non negotiable.
DS's best friend works full time, earns more than NMW, and contributes towards nothing apart from his mobile. His car is bought and paid for by his GP's, his car insurance also paid for by his grandparents, his parents ask for nothing, apart from that he save some of his wages, and they just hope he will one day see it is a good idea to save.

DS has now left home, and pays his rent, does his own shopping, runs his car, pays his bills and still budgets enough to have a social life.
His best friend OTOH, doesn't have a penny in savings and is in fact overdrawn, and struggles financially with bank charges etc , has written off a car and had another bought for him, lives with his parents and spends almost all of his income on cigarettes, beer and drugs for the weekend. (DS's best friend has actually told me all of this himself.)
DS's best friend's parents have said they despair of their DS ever saving and are very concerned by how much he drinks, yet they don't seem to be able to see that if they were to ask their DS for a contribution, they could save it for him and he wouldn't have so much money to burn.

Just my thoughts btw.

Original poster
herladyship · 08/01/2013 19:45

well, based on this thread all adult dc do (or will) pay board.

Seems odd that with the parents I've spoken to in real life opinions seem to be the opposite

btw, have discussed this with football team parents from our village, work colleagues (NHS hospital at town 45 mins away) & also with some old uni friends of DH so quite a geographical & cultural spread!

OP posts:
MissNJE · 08/01/2013 19:47

If you dont 'need' the money I would take maybe £100-150 a month depending on how much he helps in the household and put it away and save it for him without him knowing. Once he moves out he could use it for a deposit etc.

Original poster
herladyship · 08/01/2013 19:48

I'm thinking of suggesting £150 a month, that we will 'put away' and possibly use to assist with a deposit in future (so he can leave home before age 50Wink)

OP posts: