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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think when both partners have jobs and one wants to leave theirs and get a new one, it's bloody difficult to decide what to do!

30 replies

IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 13:45

Especially when the new job would be in a different place and necessitate the other partner leaving their job too. How do people work this out? Any tips? DH wants to leave his job but there aren't any other suitable ones in our area. I very much agree that he needs a new job, as his current one is boring him to death.

OP posts:
Anonymumous · 08/01/2013 13:49

It kind of depends on whether your job is also 'moveable'. For instance, if you were a teacher you could move areas quite easily. But if you are working in a highly specialist field (like a lecturer in a subject which is only taught in one university in the whole of the UK) then it would be tough titties for your DH!

What do you both do?

dreamingofsun · 08/01/2013 13:51

Oh for an interesting job! We have taken the view that husband will earn most of the money and i will earn less but do more household stuff. i think it would be tricky for a family to have 2 careers of high status - generally - of for us it would be.

he works/lives away from home a lot, but that doesn't sound a solution for you.

how easy is it for you to move jobs? will this affect your prospects? what if he moves and doesn't like the new company/job? is there an area where you can both easily get jobs and do you want to live there? what will the cost of living be like there? i think you need to do more investigation. How long has he disliked his job and are things likely to get better in the future, or can he do anything about the things he dislikes in current job?

we did investigate moving once and whilst the company did supply a package it nowhere near covered the costs - its not just housing, but things like school uniforms and all sorts of things. was going to cost about £70k i think and that was before stamp duty went up

PandaNot · 08/01/2013 13:52

You need to weigh up all the pros and cons. I personally would be very cross if my DH decided I needed to leave my job because he was 'bored' with his. In that case it would need far more discussion than if he needed a new job because he was being made redundant for instance.

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 13:53

We both work in specialised fields unfortunately. My current job is very unique and I would end up doing something rather different, but in the same field (publishing). I would definitely end up doing something less specialised than now, which might mean less money (though that's not certain). He is a scientist.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 08/01/2013 13:53

What commuting options would he have?

Who is the primary earner or is there not much in it?

Do you have DC? What about schools, etc?

Sadly, this is the reason why relationships between two people with careers (as opposed to jobs) can flounder. Often it comes down to a stark choice of prioritising one person's career over the other's. Ok if that's what you both want, or if you can plan it so that it balances out longer term, but it can lead to a lot of wasted opportunities and simmering resentment.

There isn't an easy answer other than lots and lots of talking and honesty.

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 13:55

Ooh, lots of questions! There has been plenty of discussion between us Panda. I want him to be able to advance his career and have a job that interests him. It could be a good thing for me too, but I am a bit less confident in my qualifications and ability to find a new job!

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dreamingofsun · 08/01/2013 13:55

do you want to do something different and will your reduced salary be balanced by an increased salary for him? I think you need to consider short term and longer term aims here - yours individually and also as a family. how old are your kids and how will this affect them?

badger2005 · 08/01/2013 13:56

I so so agree. It is all enormously complicated.
For a while, me and DH have been sort of job hunting in tandem. Every time one of us saw a good job, or perhaps even got an interview for one, we would start looking for jobs for the other one, and researching house prices and schools. But nothing has worked out yet.
I am now resigned to the fact that we are not going to be moving just because I get a fancy new job. And even though DH is unhappy in his job, he is not job hunting very actively. So I am applying for jobs that I can do from here. When he actually gets a job that he wants, then I will just start looking for jobs near that one.
Basically - I have decided to be no. 2., and let him pick a job first. My job is more fun, and definitely very challenging, but I am not full time and I don't earn that much. I don't want to be full time really, because I want to sometimes pick up the children from school and be around in the holidays at least some of the time (0.7 ish is good for me). Unless I commit to bringing in the bulk of the income, I don't think we will ever move for the sake of a job that I get, so I'm just going to assume that nothing is going to change any time soon. Then if there is a change, I will just try to adapt (i.e. get a job in the same place as DH, once I know where that is!).
It's taken me a while to realise that this is how things are. It sounds like I am accepting an inferior career status compared to DH. And I think I am, and sometimes I get angry (almost just in my head, but I do sometimes like to remind him that we are equally clever! And it does make my blood boil to think of all the clever women not getting recognition, while their partners are feeling very smart and worldly). But if I don't accept the inferior career status, then we are both just job hunting - and how will we end up living in the same house?!

Anonymumous · 08/01/2013 13:56

Does your DH have a location in mind? How far away is he thinking? Could you move house to somewhere between the two jobs and then commute in opposite directions? Could you arrange to work from home some of the time to make that easier?

wisemanscamel · 08/01/2013 13:57

I think that DH being 'bored' wouldn't be a good enough reason for me to up sticks from a job I enjoyed. Can he talk to his boss about other opportunities / training / higher education? Fair enough if he will bear the commuting hours etc, but not to expect you all to move house, I don't think - unless that is something you want to do too.

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 13:59

There will be no prioritising one person's career over another - I hope! I want to earn my own money, I need my own career. He earns more than me, but only a bit more at the moment. We don't have any DCs yet so that's nothing to worry about. We wouldn't want to live apart during the week and neither of us wants a long commute.

Hmm...more compromise might be required!

OP posts:
Anonymumous · 08/01/2013 14:00

I just saw your comment that it could be a good thing for you too, but you don't have confidence in your ability to find a new job. In that case, start applying - you will never know unless you try! Smile

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:00

dreamingofsun yes I do kind of want to do something new, so it's not bad timing in that respect. I am a little scared of the terrible job market.

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Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:01

x-post Anonymumous, you're right :)

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msrisotto · 08/01/2013 14:01

We've been in this position before and will be again. First time, DH get made redundant and after months of job hunting and interviews, got a job 100 miles away. He stayed in a flat midweek, coming home for the weekends. He did this for a year until my job contract ended and I got another one allowing me to move to him (I wanted to move there anyway which helped) but if I couldn't, it would have been ok because after learning the ropes, his job could be home based.

Now i've applied for professional training in four different places - two here and two back in the 100 miles away place we used to live. If I get offered any I will be lucky and will have to take it no matter where it is. If it happens to be back there, DH will try to work from home.

Either way, you don't leave a job before finding a new one unless forced.

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:02

dreaming we would be moving somewhere with a much higher cost of living, but we would both really like to live there.

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wisemanscamel · 08/01/2013 14:02

IwantaPetFox - I think that you will find that there will end up prioritising one career and this might be something that it's good to look at now if you are thinking of having kids one day. Even with your list above - someone will have to compromise somewhere, unless you have an amazing piece of luck - and that's without chucking in stablility/education/childcare for DCs.

badger2005 · 08/01/2013 14:03

Just read all the other posts. Yes dahlen This is exactly what is happening with me and DH

"Sadly, this is the reason why relationships between two people with careers (as opposed to jobs) can flounder. Often it comes down to a stark choice of prioritising one person's career over the other's. Ok if that's what you both want, or if you can plan it so that it balances out longer term, but it can lead to a lot of wasted opportunities and simmering resentment."

I am hopefully avoiding the simmering resentment by taking the lid off from time to time. I think in our situation the truth was that someone's career had to come first. You can't just agree your new location together, because of pesky employers deciding whether or not to give you the actual jobs. Applying for and getting a job is a long and unpredictable process, so if you try to hatch a plan together, it might work or it might not. It simplifies things for me to have decided to let DH go first. I'll just carry on working contracts in the place where I find myself.

Anyway - sorry OP for hijacking thread, it is just that we are struggling with the two-body person too.

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:06

Ah badger that does sound very tricky for you. Sounds a bit like your DH needs a kick up the arse to get him to start applying more proactively - maybe you being offered an exciting new job would do it??

The discrepancy in earning ability is a kicker isn't it? I will never earn as much as DH as I have an arts background and he's a scientist, but my career is still integral to my happiness (and our lifestyles, though not as much as his is, obviously.)

OP posts:
Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:08

wisemans I think logically you're right. Without extreme luck no two people are going to be able to find their ideal jobs at the same time in the same place.

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Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:10

I don't mind the thread hijack at all badger! I started it just to get other people's perspectives and hear how they've dealt with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:13

Just seen that I missed your other question dreaming - he's disliked his job for well over a year and there's no chance of it changing. It's fundamentally the type of company he's working for that is the problem. He needs a slight change of direction.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 08/01/2013 14:36

you sound as if deep down you are agreable to this, but are undestandibly a little scared of what the future may hold. if that is the case then go for it - especially if you know you will like the new area. has he actually applied/been offered anything yet?

Original poster
IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 14:42

No but he has applications ready to go. You are right dreaming, there's just a sensible part of me that thinks its quite risky for me, for either of us really, to quit good jobs in the current job climate. He would be earning enough to support us both but I'm not sure how I'd feel if I went for a long time relying on him for money (as there aren't any DCs to look after). But I suppose this time we have without DCs is the best time to be experimenting and taking risks with our careers.

OP posts:
Naoko · 08/01/2013 15:07

Until about 6 months ago, DP and I were in agreement that we'd stay where we are now until I finish my PhD, then move wherever one of us found a decent job first that also had reasonable prospects for the other. DP then found that rarest of rare things, a decent job here. I still haven't finished my PhD but when I do, this'll make things tricky - there's nothing for me here, or indeed for anyone really, DP's really lucked out. We're hoping that by the time I finish he'll be eligible for a foreign deployment with his company; I don't want to sit around unemployed or working in a fastfood place (not that there's anything wrong with that but that's not why I did a PhD, if those are my options I need to move) but I'd be up for an expat adventure. For something like that I'd take a career step back.

I think it's ok to take a risk, if one partner is really unhappy, but it has to be a risk the other partner can live with that gives them at least some opportunity.