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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with everyone being pregnant / babies babies everywhere

48 replies

LaraLo2012 · 08/01/2013 11:43

Ok so that thread title is a bit harsh and no doubt I will get flamed for it Grin no offence intended as I do like babies and I am thrilled for all the pregnant ladies / new mothers out there.

However I am just finding it hard at the moment as everywhere I go it's babies, babies, babies and more babies.

All the other girls of my age group at work are off on maternity leave (with those left behind in the office working double hard to cover them......) and are constantly posting pics of their babies on Facebook and writing how great maternity leave is. The other women who are back at work all have young kids and talk about them all the time. Even the blokes at work are talking about babies too as several of their wives are expecting and they spend all day looking at buggies online or talking about painting the nursery......

Outside of work most of my good friends are either TTC, pregnant or have babies and if I dare to log on to Facebook it is just babies after babies after more babies. It feels like everyone I know has given birth over the last few months.

I know its the norm, as I am in my early 30s.

I have tried to take up a few new interests, so I actually have a few things to do / people to talk to about something other than babies, but obviously I cannot avoid it altogether when it's all my best friends and everyone at work. Even when I went to the gym at the weekend it was full of mothers and babies for some mother and baby swim class.

Due to my personal circumstances, I am not going to be joining the 'baby club' in the forseeable future and am also very undecided as to whether I actually want to have kids myself (although that's another thread!) so its not as though I am bitter or jealous or anything.

As I say above, really so happy for everyone and their lovely big tummies and bouncing babies, but AIBU to be finding this all a bit much?!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/01/2013 11:48

But you're not really so happy for everyone, are you? I think it's your problem and something you have to come to terms with.

CoteDAzur · 08/01/2013 11:50

"I am not going to be joining the 'baby club' in the forseeable future and am also very undecided as to whether I actually want to have kids myself"

Have you noticed that this website is called MumsNet?

It is a strange place to rant about your dislike for babies and pregnant women Hmm

rubyslippers · 08/01/2013 11:53

maybe you are so sensitive about it, because you do really want a baby?

you do sound jealous and bitter actually - all those left behind in your office are working doubly hard to cover them Hmm

make peace with your decision and maybe this will irritate you a lot less than it currently is

CloudsAndTrees · 08/01/2013 11:54

I understand how you feel. My best friend feels the same, as all of her close friends except me are either pregnant, or have babies and small children, or are desperately trying to get pregnant so they don't go out as they are saving and won't drink.

I had my children younger than most, so I'm out the other side of the baby days. Your friends will come out the other side too eventually, so don't turn your back on them. They will appreciate you being the one to give them something else to talk about when they are bored of discussing the pros and cons of each brand of nappies and the like.

millie30 · 08/01/2013 11:55

I think it is inevitable due to your age. My facebook is filled with people, myself included, sharing pics and stories about our DC. We are mainly early thirties and above, and it is the stage of life we are now at. If you don't like it then you may have to expand your social circle, you can't expect people to hide what is now the most important aspect of their lives.

Original poster
LaraLo2012 · 08/01/2013 11:55

If you read my post I actually said that I do like babies and really happy for pregnant friends. I have nothing against pregnant women, a few of my good friends are pregnant and I love them to bits

And yes this Website is called Mumsnet, but there are still a lot of people on here who do not have kids, and also there might be people who do have kids but can sympathise with other viewpoints.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/01/2013 11:57

So what would you like them to do about it?

Fakebook · 08/01/2013 11:57

If you don't want children then why should it annoy you if others do want them and have made the choice to start/grow families? You sound resentful. Maybe you do want children deep down?

Iamsparklyknickers · 08/01/2013 11:58

Heck, you're entitled to feel overloaded - it's like the olympics coverage, lovely but needs a bit of Eastenders to break it up.

Librarina · 08/01/2013 12:01

Honestly, I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I really struggled when my friends started breeding and joining this whole new club that I had no experience of and wasn't ready for. In a way that's one of the reasons why I first started looking at Mumsnet - it was a way to get to know the 'enemy'.

I don't think you're saying you hate babies and pregnant women at all - you're just wishing for someone to be in the same position as you are - so that you have something in common... nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, it's something that happens with peer-groups, people tend to do things at a similar stage in life - it's like when everyone else gets married and you don't even have a boyfriend - it's rubbish!

Now I'm having a baby, later than everyone else and it still feels like i'm in the boat all on my own, as everyone else has had two kids and I'm just cooking my first - they're all experts and I'm clueless! Thank heavens for Mumsnet again!

FWIW it seems like you're taking the right approach - finding yourself hobbies and interests. Keep happy and smily on the outside then people will be happy for you when it's your turn.

Fenton · 08/01/2013 12:03

Darn people having babies everywhere..

Arthurfowlersallotment · 08/01/2013 12:07

Holy shit, mothers and babies at a mother and baby swim class? Those BASTARDS..

DontmindifIdo · 08/01/2013 12:10

It's your age - your friends and your contempories at work are in the baby stage. I would put money on that about 5 years ago it was all engagement rings and wedding photos. Before that you'll have had people going off travelling. A year or so before that, I bet it was full of graduation photos...

Give it a few years, it'll be first day a school photos. Then it'll be the clear signs of midlife crisis amongst your friends and colleagues (affairs, fast cars, overly complex hairstyles, taking up endurance sports, learning to play a new musical instrument they always wanted to as a teenager, moving away from "the rat race" to live in the country and keep chickens etc).

Basically, you probably didn't mind the other key life stage points because you were joining in. It wasn't as obvious that people have always been having babies, (I believe there was a bit of a mini-baby boom about 5 years ago) because the people at work having them weren't your contemporaries and it wasn't your friends doing it.

AbsintheMinded · 08/01/2013 12:12

How very dare they?

Do they not know it's all about you? Obviously they are vair selfish.

Boomerwang · 08/01/2013 12:20

I'm the opposite. I used to be a bit anti-baby (mostly out of fear of the unknown) but since I had one myself now I go all wibbly when I see a newborn and the cogs whir in my mind about having another myself. Then I talk myself out of it.

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 12:20

Well I'm a parent and I tend to find other people's pregnancies/babies rather dull and boring and I would much prefer to talk about other stuff. However, it's a shared experience that creates bonds between women who may otherwise have nothing in common. I like that and will happily engage in pregnancy/labour/baby talk to form new relationships with people to see if there is the possibility of a connection on a deeper level. Also, in the case of colleagues/friends/relatives, it's simply good manners to take an interest in something that to them is really very important at the time. Before having DC of my own, though, I would have been very much going through the motions and stifling a yawn rather than taking a real interest.

I wonder if the OP is simply feeling excluded (however unintentionally) and a little bored because it has no frame of reference in her own life. That's perfectly ok. If you can't create child-free areas of your life to an extent where none of this matters, however, the best policy may be to find out more about the world of babies so that you can take on a more hands-on auntie/god-parent type role and feel more involved that way.

Doraemon · 08/01/2013 12:23

You don't have to look at their facebook pictures you know. I don't want to look at endless pictures of other people's children (or their cupcakes for that matter), but you can just hide them.
If you're overstretched at work then that is the fault of bad management not organising proper cover for those on maternity leave.

People move onto different things at different times of life and yes, it sucks to feel left out (even if you're feeling left out of something you're not convinced you actually want to be part of), but what do you want them to do?
FWIW my mum&baby peer group all moved on and went back to more or less full-time work whereas I didn't and am now having DC3 and I then felt pretty excluded from their conversations - at the same time I don't feel like I have a huge amount in common with first-time mums anymore. But I accept that I'll just have to put up with a certain amount of conversations about either choice of nappy or office politics and try to seek out some new peers who are in a similar position to me.

DontmindifIdo · 08/01/2013 12:28

Missed off that post, the thing is, compared to other life stages, this is a divergance in your life from your friends' that happens over a relatively short time frame (usually you don't find out until the mother is at 3 months, so in only 6 months they suddenly have a complete life change). Other things like those who have plod along careers and those who go off being stellar are slow changes that make your lifestyles different so that you drift away and then find you have nothing in common. This will be harder for you because they have suddenly changed and your 'left behind', even if that's where you want to be, it doesn't mean you don't want them to be there with you. Unlike weddings, this is a radical change that goes with the life stage - if you are unmarried/single and your friends are getting married, you might be jealous of their big day, but once that's over, they usually go back to being exactly as they were before, just with a new surname. They might be more committed to each other than before and be owners of some fancy new plates, but esentially, this doesn't change your day to day and your day to day relationship with them.

Also it's harder to find a matching group to stick with. If you find you are in a group of friends who all have rather less career goals to you, it's easy to see how to find people who'll be similar to you, but with children it's harder to spot. Someone without DCs might just be waiting for the right time, or saying they don't want them to cover up fertility problems which sometimes can lead to a new baby later on. People who didn't plan DCs have 'happy accidents'. It's not as clear cut on life changes.

and by not following your group 'norm' you feel you have to justify your choice, so it is a bit more 'in your face' when you're the odd one out.

13Iggis · 08/01/2013 12:35

Seriously, you are working double hard to compensate for other women's maternity leave? What nonsense.
I spent my early 30s desperately trying to avoid the "baby question" as I had no broody feelings whatsoever. Then my late 30s having medical intervention to try to have babies. It's hard to know what the future holds.
I think you may be a bit jealous, as that seems to be when we see something 'everywhere' - we split up with someone, everyone around us is holding hands, for example. You may not want a baby now, but you're doing a lot of thinking about them for someone who's happy to be child-free!

IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 12:37

I'm the same age as you OP, loads of my friends are having babies and I'm still undecided on the whole matter. But it doesn't bother me, the babies are cute and interesting and my friends and colleagues are happy. There is still a hell of a lot of other stuff going on in the world - why don't you focus on that instead?

Lottapianos · 08/01/2013 12:40

Oh Lara, thank you so much for this thread! I feel the same as you do but wasn't brave enough to start a thread Smile

YANBU. You say you are happy for all these women and their babies and you can't say fairer than that. It does feel like the entire planet is pregnant/trying to get pregnant/already a parent at the moment. As another poster said, people have always had babies but it just feels like it's everywhere at the moment - it must be our age dear Wink

I'm in a similar situation to you - having been staunchly childfree since I was 19 I now find that Im doubting whether that's the right thing. I can see the appeal of having a baby like I never could before. I still feel deep down that parenthood is not for me but something's definitely up. I feel rattled. I work with children and babies and I love it but I also work with 99.9% women and the baby/child talk feels relentless at times. I think if I'm honest that I am a tiny wee bit jealous Blush

'and by not following your group 'norm' you feel you have to justify your choice, so it is a bit more 'in your face' when you're the odd one out'

Indeed.

What's to be done? Well it's a natural part of life for many people so we have to get used to it. Is it helpful to know there are other women out there in the same boat? I think it's also worth thinking about why you feel this way. Feel free to PM me if it's helpful Smile

Lottapianos · 08/01/2013 12:42

And you're not being 'selfish' by the way. And remember there is no such think as 'overthinking' things either - it's just thinking, and it's better than under-thinking anyway!

IwantaPetFox · 08/01/2013 13:12

I don't think hanging around on Mumsnet helps with the sense that everything's all about babies these days Grin

In a couple of years your friends will have more free time and will be dying to talk about stuff that has nothing to do with children. I guess that seems like a long time to wait, but it's definitely not worth having them just in order to join the club.

LouisWalshesCloset · 08/01/2013 13:36

YABU how dare you say I can't talk about my amazing children

I like to bang people over the head with news about my kids until they have concussion because my kids are awesome didn't you know? Wink

MooncupGoddess · 08/01/2013 13:53

I'm in a similar position as you OP, and absolutely agree with the two strategies Dahlen suggests:

  1. work on developing a non-child-focused social network
  2. get interested in your friends' children (child development is fascinating, and small children are great value. Especially when you can bid them a cheerful farewell and go home to lie on your sofa with a glass of wine).