to withdraw my dd's (6 and 7) from private school?

[sherazade]

Help and advice genuinely need . Long post, sorry.

Background info: We lived abroad until summer 2011 when we unexpectedly returned back to the UK. We applied for school places instantly but as the summer holidays were looming, we were advised by the city council that places were short, there had been a huge influx of new children in our area, and that there would be a long (indefinite- months/a year) wait till my dc got a place at a local school. I started teaching in September 2012 and DH watched the girls as there was still no sign of a school place. I spent all my breaks/lunch hours and after work chasing up phonecalls (waiting upto an hour sometimes on the telephone), filling in forms, launching appeals (as discovered this was the only way to secure a place). I applied to schools out of my catchment area and even to schools that weren't ideal, out of desperation for them to be back in school.

In mid October, dh had to go back to work and there was still no sign of a school place; we were all desperate. I decided then, and didn't actually have any choice anyway, to put them in the school I work in, as being a member of staff there, they were given priority for a place.

This is a private fee paying school , and I had never been keen on them attending private school in the past but now had no choice. However,of all the places I have worked and trained in, this was the by far the best (no bitchy comments about children in staff rooms, no unprofessonalism, complete dedication and care for every single child, small class sizes; hard working , approachable, lovely teachers, personal 'village' feel to school etc). I saw it as a short term solution, and in any case the only solution for now. The girls, (who'd had a horrible time in their school abroad and never adjusted), adjusted instantly, made friends, progressed well, and love school.

Fast forward a month and I get a reply from the appeals saying one dd had been offered a place. I felt I couldn't move dd from the school at this point, she'd seemed too secure and happy and was thriving. Financially, it was difficult but not impossible to keep paying for the fees so I declined the offer. I thought it was worth the financial struggle for both dd's to be so happy and secure after a turbulent year abroad.

But now over a year later doubt creeps in. We've had a few unexpected costs that have set us back a bit and are really starting to struggle alot more to pay the fees. I feel like now I am bending over backwards this year to pay them especially because the fees increased this year too. On one hand, I feel it unreasonable to burden ourselves financially with the fees. We are coping, but just about. On the other hand,we have moved around a bit (and may move again)and I feel the priority is stability for the dd's as long as I can offer it to them. I don't think I can bear the thought of moving them and them not settling. Am I being precious? DH thinks that although the girls love their school and its brilliant to see them thriving , confident and settled, but sadly they should go. I am on the fence. Help!

apologies for the badly written post, I've got dd's next to me who are asking all sorts of questions that i'm nodding emptily in response to and they're supposed to be in bed !

It sounds a really hard situation n to at all of your causing. Really feel for you.

Question - how dire are the dire finances? Could you lose your house for example. Or find yourselves so far in debt that you can't get out? Because although school is important for security for children, home is more important.

If you were definitely staying put then I'd advise moving. As it is pretty obvious that there is no way you'll be able to afford private secondary and private primary -> state secondary is a very hard transition to make.

In that circumstance I think I'd look for a school for your dd2 first (on the grounds that it'll be harder plus she sounds the more confident.)

But you are not staying. At least not definitely. In which case I think I'd keep them where they are (assuming dire isn't too dire) until you have clarity.

I think you would be U to move them now.

Pony up the cash for a few years until a natural break in the schooling as long as you're not actually going without food and things being tight just means no nice holiday or something.

Just to add, dsis and I both got moved mid-academic year. Twice . If you can hang on in there to August that would be great.

The v. well known public school we live close by to gives 80% discount to teaching staff's children!

This isn't a perfect solution, but if you are certain you will move again in the next few years, would you consider a bank loan or additional amount on your mortgage to allow you to pay a smaller amount each month? It will be a higher cost in the long term but may make it less painful in the short term...

That's completely out of order sameoldlovebunny.Why not fuck off back to your burrow.
rubbish. messing children around is always a mistake. what selfish people.

If you can avoid it don't move them. Little sister was moved schools 3 times (change of location. All private) and it did negatively impact her.

Also be aware though that after a significant amount of time the move from private to state might not be easy for them. My cousins boys were moved due to financial reasons and were bullied horribly for being ex posh school. They also found dealing with the larger class sizes etc difficult. Eventually they were brought back to their original school with financing from the grandparents.

Not very helpful I know but I suppose I'm saying keep them in forever now if you can or at least until the move!

Agree i'd keep them there if you can.

When you factor in the additional childcare costs of before/aftercare - remember state day is often shorter plus extra commuting costs to a new school plus extra holiday childcare costs for when holidays are not the same the savings may not be as huge as imagined.

The convenience factor must be huge to have them with you.

Would you still be able to work the same hours and do the same additional work if they weren't with you eg if you/DH lose pay as you have to dash off to be at aftercare for 5pm.

Check your terms and conditions aswell - you will have to pay at least a terms fees each unless you give plenty of notice and then there is no guarantee of a state place nearby or both at the same school if you do give notice.

I too would say to keep them there if you possibly can. You are clearly a very conscientious and committed parent and are trying to do your best. It never ceases to amaze me how different the script can turn out to be for our DC's education that the one we originally expected.

Calm down Lovebunny, some families move a lot, military kids move all over the world and go to many many schools and still they thrive.
Sherezade If you apply right now for both children and one is accepted, what are the chances that both will be in the same school by September? If they would be together by then I'd do it. Then they would get at least a full school year in the local before a possible move. Maybe you won't move at all, and you will be saving a ton in fees, and be able to fix your car

Logically, it was DH's employer that put your family in this difficult position. Can a case be made to the employer for some sort of expense top-up in recognition of this unexpected cost of moving? Or at least, next time you move, negotiate a larger relocation bonus?

18 months ago when DS was 5 we made our latest move (yes we are also giving them lots to write about in the biographies!) At that time it was horrific for him at school, various different reasons about which I've ranted on these boards but basically he didn't settle, lost all his confidence in fact pretty much lost himself.
We changed his school in Sept. and he is thriving, its like a re-birth. Different circumstances but I totally emphasise with the challenge of kids not being settled and then the complete relief when that changes. Personally I would do pretty much anything to keep my DS settled particularly so soon after the period of being unsettled.
Its a horrible situation for you but I'd sit down with DH and focus more on the future and potential moves, if its the nature of his role/career then its only fair he thinks about the impact of the kids. And this makes the conversation about ongoing education and settling the kids - and less about private vs. state. If the financial pain is short term (ie 1 to 2 years til your next move) then in your shoes I would be cutting back even further than you are to keep them in school, it would be my last resort to move them. Good luck and here's hoping for a lottery win

that will be "empathise" as opposed to "emphasise" - obviously my education was worth nothing!

If your mum and dad have offered a loan, why don't you take them up on it, bung the money in an account that's offering the best interest rate, and use the monthly interest to pay some if the fees?

Just a thought. Then you can, at some point in the future, give the lump sum back to your parents.

Obviously it'd need to be a decent wedge, but only you know how much they've offered you and I don't want to pry.

And ignore that awful snidey comment up unread from an obviously very naive and bitter character.

I have learned with my DC that you can only deal with the current situation rather than ones you anticipate - like a possible move. Right now the school is working for them educationally and socially, and for you logistically. That is a hell of a lot of what most people are looking for in their DC's schooling. If you can afford it without losing your house, then I would keep them there.

Just a random thought to throw in....
Would you be financially better off & happier home edding? Not for everyone & I'm not sure I could do it, but maybe worth a moments thought!

In a similar situation. Our income has now halved but daughter is thriving in her private school. Can live on our one income but little left for treats etc; however, I see it as relatively short term struggle for the long term life benefit of dd. however, state schools in my area are very poor!

Would you be eligible for any form of bursary? Some schools offer these - they are means tested rather than academic, and saved our skins when we were in a hole financially. We returned the money several years after we left the school so that someone else could benefit, although it was not expected or requested.

I went to boarding school at 11 - my dad was in the army and I had been to 6 schools before then. It wasn't the greatest experience of my life, but I hated being moved every 18 months/2 years and did settle in pretty well. 30 years on I still have friends from there which I would never have done if I'd moved all the time. People don't move their children about on a whim and will always have their best interests at heart lovebunny.

I think a previous poster might have been onto something when she suggested asking your DH's company to offer some help, too. Even if it's just a small amount, it'd help.

What a tricky situation but I would be inclined to agree with PP about trying to keep your DDs at the school for now.

Do you have a spare bedroom at home? Could you take a lodger to add to your income? You can make up to a certain amount each year on the government's rent a room scheme.

Oh and unlovelybunny? Whilst you are entitled to an opinion, your first comment was unWARRENted

If it is impossible to afford the fees and obviously unfair to move one child have you considered H.ed with tutors and childminders. I presume if you are teaching that you are not home too late and this could be a cheaper option than private school fees x2.
I heard this really worked for one family who were in a similar position to you, and moved quite often.

i can't be bothered looking up what my comment was, but i like the pun, sage. i had a rabbit called sage. and others who were parsley, thyme, dill etc.

my daughter went to private school and loved it. i like stability for children. warranted or not, that's how i like it.

at unWARRENted!

OP I'm a bursar at an independent primary that sounds a lot like your school (although I know it's not because we don't have any staff members with 2 girls at school!)

I agree with the previous posters who say to try your best to keep them in their current school.

Just a couple of thoughts... IME it is the decision of the Governors based on recommendation from the Bursar (rather than the Head) as to how much of a bursary or staff discount may be given - could you have a word with your bursar? Also IME this can be very dependent on whether your school is a charity or proprietorial, charities having perhaps a slightly higher regard for public benefit. If you're in a proprietorial school, or part of a larger group, your chances of special treatment are probably lower.

Just FYI, we have a significant proportion of grandparents (or family trusts, which is basically the same thing) paying our girls' school fees. I know you said upthread that this was not an option, and I certainly don't want to pry, but are you able to think about putting aside your discomfort / pride / fears?