to withdraw my dd's (6 and 7) from private school?

[sherazade]

Help and advice genuinely need . Long post, sorry.

Background info: We lived abroad until summer 2011 when we unexpectedly returned back to the UK. We applied for school places instantly but as the summer holidays were looming, we were advised by the city council that places were short, there had been a huge influx of new children in our area, and that there would be a long (indefinite- months/a year) wait till my dc got a place at a local school. I started teaching in September 2012 and DH watched the girls as there was still no sign of a school place. I spent all my breaks/lunch hours and after work chasing up phonecalls (waiting upto an hour sometimes on the telephone), filling in forms, launching appeals (as discovered this was the only way to secure a place). I applied to schools out of my catchment area and even to schools that weren't ideal, out of desperation for them to be back in school.

In mid October, dh had to go back to work and there was still no sign of a school place; we were all desperate. I decided then, and didn't actually have any choice anyway, to put them in the school I work in, as being a member of staff there, they were given priority for a place.

This is a private fee paying school , and I had never been keen on them attending private school in the past but now had no choice. However,of all the places I have worked and trained in, this was the by far the best (no bitchy comments about children in staff rooms, no unprofessonalism, complete dedication and care for every single child, small class sizes; hard working , approachable, lovely teachers, personal 'village' feel to school etc). I saw it as a short term solution, and in any case the only solution for now. The girls, (who'd had a horrible time in their school abroad and never adjusted), adjusted instantly, made friends, progressed well, and love school.

Fast forward a month and I get a reply from the appeals saying one dd had been offered a place. I felt I couldn't move dd from the school at this point, she'd seemed too secure and happy and was thriving. Financially, it was difficult but not impossible to keep paying for the fees so I declined the offer. I thought it was worth the financial struggle for both dd's to be so happy and secure after a turbulent year abroad.

But now over a year later doubt creeps in. We've had a few unexpected costs that have set us back a bit and are really starting to struggle alot more to pay the fees. I feel like now I am bending over backwards this year to pay them especially because the fees increased this year too. On one hand, I feel it unreasonable to burden ourselves financially with the fees. We are coping, but just about. On the other hand,we have moved around a bit (and may move again)and I feel the priority is stability for the dd's as long as I can offer it to them. I don't think I can bear the thought of moving them and them not settling. Am I being precious? DH thinks that although the girls love their school and its brilliant to see them thriving , confident and settled, but sadly they should go. I am on the fence. Help!

and how can you assume we haven't 'organised' out finances? For the school fees we have cut all travel/ holidays away (even locally sounds trivial I know but we used to travel frequently), we share a car (meaning we bus it and walk it most of the time) and DH works every hour god sends has put in extra hours. Amongst other things .

Every sympathy with you. FWIW I think you are better keeping your DC at their present school.
A teacher at my DS's (private) school does private tutoring at 11+ for a few of the pupils on the school premises once or twice a week! This is probably pretty exceptional, but the point being that maybe you could do a couple of extra hours tutoring a week which might help the financial situation. Not sure what your head would think of that, either on or off the premises! I must say IME I don't think your head is being that accommodating/ flexible about it all.

howtoboilanegg- thanks for your post. forgot to add that in fact I do extra 11+ preparation on the school premises and have taken on extra roles (coordinating, running the school council)which compared to the work you put in (like teaching in general I guess) are not paid all that great but every penny helps!. Thansk to everyone who has posted so far except the person who said i'd messed up my dc's lives as if I don't carry that guilt and self-blame already!

Leave them there if they're happy and you might well move anyway. What you probably don't notice at the moment and would really resent is the different drop offs and term times.

I am inclined to go with this at the mo:

I can see how you find yourself in your situation and personally I would do all that I could to keep them where they are, certainly until the end of this academic year. By that time you will know if you will be moving again or not and the girls will have had a period of stability to make up for their time abroad.
thanks, Mutt

helpyourself, you're right, the drop off and pick up times being simultaneous do really help make things easier.

sherazade don't bother with self-blame and guilt. I can do that for you :)

Your DC will be fine whatever you decide, as you sound the kind of parent who will present it as a really great and positive move, if you have to change their school. So don't worry. But do keep a watchful eye on the finances - you seem to be doing everything you possibly can to afford it, and a few more unexpected bills might put you in a precarious position. Would you definitely have 2 places at state school by Sep 2013? Is that something to provisionally aim for, if you think there's a chance the family finances might take another hit from something unexpected?

to make things worse I recently heard my MIL (who I have always gotten on really well with and has always been supportive of me) say on the phone to dh, whilst he was discussing our financial woes, 'private education is really unecessary, can't see why they can't just go to a normal school like everyone else' . fair enough for her opinion but she lives far away and doesn't know the ins and outs of our dc , how the last move affected them, how wonderful this school is etc, but that sort of inflamed DH to think I was being U about them staying in the school. On the other hand my mum, who knows the school and has seen first hand how well the dd are doing, says moving them would be 'unthinkable'. when I say that to DH though he does say (and rightly so maybe as my parents are well off and dont quite relate to financial problems) 'well it's not her that's paying the fees'.

chinupchestout, nothing is definite with the city council, they drove me to insanity last time round. In the end I officially complained over all the conflicting information wrt dates, schools I could apply to, catchment areas, etc.

I think if you move them out of a school that is good enough to provide you with a stimulating career, supportive colleagues and an obliging head only to move again in one to two years, then I think your children could genuinely be resentful to the choices you have made for them...

You can forget about the "ah me, I don't believe in private education " once you
(a) derive your income from it
and (b) frequently educate your children abroad.

If you parents are well off could you not ask them for a loan?

I would do everything in power to wait until the end of the academic year before moving them.

yes, NonnoMum.. I fear that they will become resentful and that is one of the things holding me back.

My parents have offered to lend money/ which no way would I accept, for many longstanding reasons which I don't really wish to go into but it it isn't an option. Thanks for the suggestion though.

timetoask, that option I've also thought of too, given that I am a teacher I have thought that worst case scenario if I moved them I would supplement their learning to the best of my ability .
However after having posted here I am inclined to leave them where they are until there is more clarity on our future. Or atleats for as long as is possible.

Another factor to bear in mind is any resentment that child that moves schools might feel...regardless of the financial logistics of it ,she might feel punished,and possibly jealous of her sister who still gets to to commute with Mum and stay in the favoured school.

I'd keep them both there as long as possible,if it were me.Apart from finances,you have it relatively smooth eg the 3 of you doing one commute,one set of hols,no childcare,self sufficent in your daily arrangements.It would be one heap of stress trying to drop one dd off,then off to work with you and dd,then back to collect,then arranging childcare cover for any overlaps,then dealing with a possible upset/disjointed child....I think you'd be exchanging one problem for a whole set of new problems.

God, life just doesn't get easier does it? All you want to do is provide a good education for your children, preferably without bankrupting yourself in the process. I really feel for you, sherazade I can see you're doing everything you can, but the lack of clarity on state school places totally messed your plans up.

I think given that you were unable to get your DC in at the start of the year, and that you have a very reasonable prospect of a move in the not too distant future, I would (in your shoes) keep them there. And if a calamity happens eg., the car breaks down and wants something expensive or if the boiler needs replacing, well you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Keep the little ones settled - you're giving them the greatest gift - an education that satisfies you as a parent and teacher and makes the DC happy. That's worth a few arguments with DH in my book.

yes hildaogden, I have often thought that the child who moves first will suffer more. And most likely it will be my older child as class sizes can be increased more readily for higher year groups; and she is the more sensitive/shy one unlike dd2 who is a handful spirited/lively.

the car has just broken down chinupchestout, are you psychic?

Good luck with whatever you choose but I think if it were me, I'd really try hard to suck it up financially whilst another move is on the medium-term horizon...

Surely if it is a private school and you teach there you get discount? At a school I work in teachers only pay 25% fees.

thats a very good discount, skinnywhippet, I get:
20 % off for dd1
25 % off for dd2 as she is a sibling and there is an extra 5 percent off for siblings.

If you were to take them out of the private school, then there is a way you could get them both in the same school. Apply for school places for both of them at the schools. At this time of year you could apply for In Year application or could apply late for September entry. Then if one is accepted at a school you prefer, then you apply for an appeal for the other on the grounds they have a sibling at the school.

When you complained before, did you follow the LA complaints procedure or go to the Ombudsman,? Although the LGO can't force the council to do something, it can make recommendations and it's hard for councils not to follow. Results are published and councils can be slammed for maladministration(basically not following their own procedures) or injustice.

VA schools do operate their own waiting lists, that are outside of the authority control, it's frustrating for everybody, as it means having to contact the school rather than just being on the council's list and being able to get one update.

Can't help wondering if you're in my city, there is a desperate shortage of places here.

OP, If your mil is like mine her influence will be very hard for your DH to shake off. For years I would think, why is my DH so concerned about x or y suddenly, and then I would realise his mum had bent his ear on that subject...
I reckon this might be no small part of your problem going on here too.
Glad to hear you can earn some extras at school.
I think you sound very sensible and balanced about the whole thing. Good luck.

If one is accepted, I have to take that place pretty much there and then, and then on the basis that I have a child at that school, I can appeal on that basis, an appeal takes around 2 months IIRC. So there will probably be a 2 month period wherein one child will be attending alone if not more.
I complained after my children had already started the private school and I rejected the offer from the appeal. I informed the council straight away in writing and over the phone, as well as the school itself explaining why I was not taking the place yet recieved an automated type letter stating 'as your children are not in school an officer will be visting your home to discuss this'!!!! or something to that effect. I was absolutely infuriated .