To be unspeakably angry at SIL for being such a cow to DH?

[MiniEggsinJanuary]

Just before Christmas FIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It's a tricky situation as both my SILs live abroad (same country but both emigrated there). For the past ten years PIL have spent three months a year there and have a small one bed apartment there. They were due to go out there just after Christmas and then to come back and start treatment for Alzheimer's when they returned. This was agreed with a consultant (although I thought I would be better to get meds sorted and go abroad when that was done). Consultant said this would be theist trip FIL was likely to make as it's so far to travel. Yesterday DH spoke to SIL and she said that she had taken PIL to her GP and got FIL on to meds. Fine. Then she said that she and MIL were discussing them moving abroad permanently and so never coming back to the UK. DH is understandably devastated at the thought his father will not be coming home. More than that we are concerned that FIL isn't covered by the equivalent of the NHS abroad and so how are they going to fund his care. Thirdly they don't have any friends abroad so don't have a support network there. AIBU to be really cross with SIL for planting the seed in already upset and confused people's minds and for telling DH this might happen when it's a ill conceived idea and a very upsetting thing to be just told in an offhand way?

Actually YABU. Maybe your MIL wants the support of her two daughters. They have a base over there and spend a lot of time there anyway.

I know Alzherimers is a horrid disease (MIL had it) but you need to think what is best for them and not just be annoyed because your DH is upset. Maybe the 2 daughters can devote more time to their parents than your DH can.

I would be a bit miffed - it needs to be talked through properly by everyone. I guess the issue really is - where will he get the best, affordable care ? How will it be funded ? Where does he want to be ? Where does DM want to be ?

Not something to be rushed into.

The two daughters have been nothing but heartache and trouble for PIL in the past. If they were selfless and supportive to them I might feel differently.

One other question - do they have the right to stay in the other country ? The other country might not welcome someone with a long term disease with open arms.

FIL said he wanted to come back to the UK when they asked him.

What is the other country?

it's not really up to your DH though, unless they are asking you and him to fund their care? it's up to the person who is ill and the people he is expecting to care for him.

You don't mention which country the SILs live in but without reciprocal health care arrangements, I'd be amazed if your FIL got any sort of right to stay there. I have friends whose elderly parents moved to Australia to live with them and they were required to have a significant amount of disposable income before they could emigrate.

I'm not sure throken. They have a flat there but they are official residents here.

Australia.

Your FIL needs to be where he is most comfortable. From what I know about Alzheimers the sufferer can be massivley set back in new situations and even though they stay there regularly actually living there is a whole new thing that may badly affect him.
The question is though, if they come back will you and DH be able take up the strain in helping your MIL out when he gets worse? Do they live close to you?
YANBU, I would be devasted.

I don't blame either of you for being very upset at being presented with what looks like a done deal sans consultation.

However, there may be a silver lining. I don't know what you had in mind for the PILs as they became more fragile and less able to live independantly, but having the majority day to day responisbility whilst others have the right of veeto, interference and critisim....is hell on earth. Or at least DH and I found it to be.

Could you go to visit the PILs if they did move ?

Also another thought is, have the SILs sorted out the praticals like visas, insurance etc. to make sure the choice is even feasable?

I'd sit on it a bit and see what comes out. It may just fizzle out to nothing.

love. It makes things a million times worse when family members throw spanners in works and find proper communication/discussion hard on top of all the other issues connected to geriatric issues.

It's going to be hard to get permanent visas and take a while as well. Maybe the best option is not to say much at all, but not be negative as that will be thrown back in your face. Let them look into it and come to their own conclusions.

It's going to be hard to get permanent visas and take a while as well. Maybe the best option is not to say much at all, but not be negative as that will be thrown back in your face. Let them look into it and come to their own conclusions.

Your SIL discussed it with her mother ie your MIL and the wife. Yes, it would have been nice if you had all first discussed it together as a family but to me it is a courtesy thing as opposed to an affront.

And is it that badly conceived? I'm guessing that the climate is much better there. As for no support network, both SILs and their respective families are there. You say that your DH is devastated because his father isn't coming back to the UK but his sisters were probably devastated that their father wouldn't be visiting them in the future.

I agree that the whole thing should have been discussed as a family but that aside your SILs are stepping up and want to look after your FIL. Surely they should get points for that?

As I said earlier Totally they are not helpful to their parents. One SIL only comes to them for money and caused MIL a nervous breakdown last year.

Good points about the visas. Thanks for the kind and helpful responses.

How much care are the SILs able/willing to provide, compared to your DH?

I don't see how your SIL has been a 'cow' - she should have discussed it IMO, and it does sound as if there are issues with her plan.

I do see where you're coming from, but I can't help noticing you're disagreeing not only with your SILs but also with the consultant who agreed to this holiday - how sure are you your view of what's 'best' is really the same as your MIL and FILs?

what do you believe is their motivation for wanting them there?

Sorry, cross posted with you when you clarified about the SIL coming to them for money.

How did your DH plan to care for his dad in the UK?

It's not that I disagreed with the consultant exactly, it's just that I would have imagined that it would be better to get FIL stabilised and begin treatment ASAP.

So the parents are discussing things with their daughter that they are currently staying with/near?

Can´t see a problem tbh.

It might all come to nothing anyway.

And tbh if they do go, how they fund themselves isn´t your concern,

Not sure about the motivation.

I think I would feel the same about the treatment in your situation - but I also think it's your FIL (if he's still capable) and MIL's decision, and I'm saying this because people do sometimes surprise you with how they react to big news and what they want to do.

It is very difficult to hear news of the "this will be FIL's last visit" without members of the family sitting down and wondering how this will work in practice. So it occurs to me that, rather than a cold-hearted plot to exclude you and your dh, that your SIL and PIL might have been pondering a solution.

I agree that it is not always helpful to plant firm ideas into the head of rather confused, elderly people but as you weren't there and don't know how the conversation developed, I'd avoid "unspeakable anger" and instead, discuss the practicalities with your SILS.

Because it may well be that it is impossible for your PILs to move to Australia. On the other hand, if this is their wish then you've got to respect their decision. They might well want to spend the latter part of your FILs life in Australia with the support of the members of the family that live there. But this may not be any sort of rejection of you and your DH. Just the best solution for the PIL.

It is a very difficult situation to be in. But I know that my MIL who was suffering from acute short-term memory loss (although not Alzheimers) was quite capable of making decisions about where she wanted to live. My SIL (who genuinely meant well) was far too quick to tell my MIL that she needed to make decisions about where she lived long before any such decision was necessary. As a result, she was quietly determined to stay exactly where she was and this could easily have been a mistake. Had SIL initiated a more respectful discussion (which took account of MIL being perfectly capable of rational thought) taken place, MIL would have been open to suggestions.

The FIL has apparently stated he wants to return to the UK. If he's still capable of making decisions he should be listened to.