To be unspeakably angry at SIL for being such a cow to DH?

[MiniEggsinJanuary]

Just before Christmas FIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It's a tricky situation as both my SILs live abroad (same country but both emigrated there). For the past ten years PIL have spent three months a year there and have a small one bed apartment there. They were due to go out there just after Christmas and then to come back and start treatment for Alzheimer's when they returned. This was agreed with a consultant (although I thought I would be better to get meds sorted and go abroad when that was done). Consultant said this would be theist trip FIL was likely to make as it's so far to travel. Yesterday DH spoke to SIL and she said that she had taken PIL to her GP and got FIL on to meds. Fine. Then she said that she and MIL were discussing them moving abroad permanently and so never coming back to the UK. DH is understandably devastated at the thought his father will not be coming home. More than that we are concerned that FIL isn't covered by the equivalent of the NHS abroad and so how are they going to fund his care. Thirdly they don't have any friends abroad so don't have a support network there. AIBU to be really cross with SIL for planting the seed in already upset and confused people's minds and for telling DH this might happen when it's a ill conceived idea and a very upsetting thing to be just told in an offhand way?

I can understand how upset you are but I can also understand that when your PILs went to Australia and told your SILs that this was probably the last time their father would ever visit panic set in.

Is it possible for you to all sit down, possibly over Skype, and have a calm rational discussion? Take into account everything like visas, healthcare costs.

I suggested Skype but now DH has booked himself flights out there so a five day trip at the end of the month. I can understand why he wants to go but he is already exhausted from work and needs the time off to rest and relax.

Blimey!

I thought that they would be coming back in a couple of months anyway?

Is there anyway of checking what the likelihood of them being able to move out there is?

It could be as simple as MIL wanting her daughters help & support.

I know but poor DH has been such a tower of strength for PIL over the last few years. Both SILs have put them through hell and he has always been the perfect son. He was so upset and said that he "was going to lose his whole family". I'm just worried that MIL isn't being very rational and will make the wrong decision. She's going to need her friends around and she doesn't know anyone abroad. If SILs decide not to be helpful when the going gets tough then she will have no one. We've already been through it here with one of my grandparents so we know the system and what to expect and this is their home.

I think really everyone is overreacting tbh.

What his parents do now is their decision.

Is it being suggested that now they are there they just won´t return??

Does he not trust his parents to make their own decisions?

TBH I´d be really fucked off if my son flew half way around the world because I´d been talking to my daughters about the possibility of living near them.

Does your husband work-do his sisters?

How far away are ILs-realistically, how much help will he be?

To be honest I think you all need to sit down together via skype or whatever and discuss it rationally. Your IL's need to be where they are going to get the most support.....Alzheimers is a cruel condition and it is only going to get worse :(. What stage is he at. When my MIL was diagnosed she was pretty far down the road already and so there was no treatment offered to her.

Is this a knee jerk reaction do you think on SILS' part?? Do they really know what will be involved a bit further down the line?

They should have arranged to talk it through, but it is not really that unusual for elderly or infirm parents to move closer to daughters than to a son because of the percieved - and often actual - difference in levels of commitment to care.

It does seem extremely hasty, though, and obviously the healthcare situation will require some careful consideration.

Your DH sounds upset and perhaps is being a bit dramatic - it is not like he is not going to see his father again!

Anyway, YANBU, but probably neither are the SILs. It's just a tought situation.

Just wanted to mention about the Australian visa system. The whole system is set up to avoid expense to the Australian tax payer. I would have guessed that his chances of getting any kind of permanent residency would be absolutely zero! Hope your situation improves.