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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should speak to a baby with the same respect as you would an adult?

85 replies

jungandeasilyfreudened · 06/01/2013 22:07

Went to visit delightful PILs this week. One of them said to our 3 month old 'look at your sticky out ears ha ha' and defended the comment as the baby 'couldn't understand' what was being said. Surely whether the baby understands or not isn't actually the point, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 06/01/2013 23:36

I've said a couple of times I really didn't write my post properly (trying to do it too quickly, should have read through) and still don't seem to have explained myself the way I wanted to. Of course I don't like people making fun of my baby, or any baby, but I can't understand the logic that it's ok just because he doesn't understand the words. I take that to mean that it wouldn't have been said if the baby could understand.... Which I think is an unreasonable way to behave. Is it ok to make fun of someone that speaks a different language to you because they don't understand? I see it similarly to that really I guess.

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 23:40

I wouldn't change the words to 'row your boat' to a string of insults and say it's ok because he likes the tune and doesn't understand the words! Am I really alone in that?! - come back when he's 2 and tell us if it still applies Xmas Wink

Nursery rhymes are a perfect way to vent your feelings via changed words.

LentilAsAnything · 07/01/2013 00:10

I absolutely get what you are saying, and I don't think you are being unreasonable. It was a mean, thoughtless and unnecessary thing for them to say.
Enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

LentilAsAnything · 07/01/2013 00:11

I change the words to Rock A Bye Baby, because the lyrics are horrible! :)

Morloth · 07/01/2013 07:14

I don't know, I would never say 'ooooh look at your big fat squidgy michelan man legs' whilst gently squeezing and kissing said fat rolls to some man in a pub, no matter how much he might enjoy it.

DS2 looked like a monkey when he was born. He really did, we called him Monkey Butt for aaaages.

They both looked like sumos for an extended period as well, how can you not comment when a baby has 3 elbows?

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 07:31

Yabvvu I say to my 11 month old how I am going to gobble him all up, hw his lovely little legs are squidgy. Obviously would never say that to a man in a pub. Totally different IMO.

Twattybollocks · 07/01/2013 07:32

I think you are more upset about the negative comments rather than the lack of respect tbh. If someone said to one of my babies "omg look at that squint" I would have been a bit miffed, although in truth they were both slightly cross eyed for several months.

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 07:32

Totally different IMO.

Jux · 07/01/2013 08:57

There was a woman at our nursery (when dd was a toddler ) who would say of her boy things like "you know he's mine, can't miss those ears!". Indeed, you couldn't! It broke the ice if she didn't know you, allowed you acknowledgement of the feature - but on her terms - and immediately got it out of the way, so we could talk about other things. It also meant that her child grew up knowing he wasn't physically perfect (therefore knew that others weren't either) but it didn't matter. He was loved and lovable anyway.

As it is, your baby's ears probably won't stick out for long, so I wouldn't worry about it much.

DialsMavis · 07/01/2013 09:50

Yes Tethers! Grin
We called DD 'Chairman Mao for the 1st 8 or 9 weeks (the resemblance was startling!). I hope we didn't plant a seed...

Imaginethat · 07/01/2013 09:58

I disagree with just about everyone, I believe that babies and children should be treated with respect. How else can they learn to respect others? It is never too early to start. But then, I work in early childhood development research so I would think that really...

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 07/01/2013 10:54

Obviously I'm in a tiny minority but this is far more interesting than I expected. If you use a nickname that draws attention to an imperfection is it ok for everyone to use that or just you? Same for swearing or insulting in a sing songy voice? Would it be ok for nursery staff/childminder or whoever to do the same because they were only joking or meant it affectionately?

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MurderOfGoths · 07/01/2013 11:12

Oh god, I'm always singing insults at DS! Usually at 2am when he's refusing to sleep!

If someone else did it I wouldn't care, he hasn't got the faintest idea what is being said, all he cares about is the melody/rhythm of it, and whether or not the words used cause you to pull funny faces.

(for the record, he gets a fit of giggles if you sing "Sweet Transvestite" at him)

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 12:30

Imagine Blimy what us the world coming to when you cannot coo and gush over a baby Hmm. As babies, we adjust our tone of voice to them, yes we do say things (not nasty things) we would not say to adults because they are not! My ds 11 months ismy beautiful little prince and tats what I shall call him.

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 12:31

Or my beautiful coochy coo

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 12:32

Or little chubster as he has cute little rolls on his legs

PessaryPam · 07/01/2013 12:42

Oh terrific, another group to get offended on behalf of!!!

Jux · 07/01/2013 12:55

Calling someone by a nickname has nothing to do with whether you respect them or not, there is no relation imo.

No, I would expect nursery staff to be professional. They tend to ask what you call your child when he/she starts there, and I would expect them to use that name.

However, more familiar people - friends and family - will develop their own nicknames for each other and probably one will stick and come to be used universally; though I have a friend who is called one thing inmhis home town and a completely different name in the town he has settled in as an adult - and never the twain shall meet.

Respect for an individual has little to do with what they are called, though admittedly bullies etc will use name calling as a weapon, but that's a completely separate issue again.

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 13:07

Exactly jux, childcare workers are completely different and do not have the same relationship to the chid as their parents. So a non sashe really, gosh what s this world coming too. It's te adults who are fended not the child!

squoosh · 07/01/2013 13:07

A new parent cooing delightedly over their baby's chubby chubb legs is hardly disrespectful. It's generally an indication of the parent being besotted.

EldritchCleavage · 07/01/2013 13:08

I think I see what you mean-it wasn't the kind of observation rooted in affection and delight that most people on the thread are talking about (our DD='Miss Chubby-Legs'), but mockery. In which case, PIL are being unpleasant, but be canny and pick your battles with them.

Stuff said while your child is too young to understand you can let go, unless it is so incessant or they invite people to join in and it upsets you or is setting in stone how people speak to/regard your child. Once your child is older and able to understand more though, you can pick them up on any name-calling or mockery and your DH should too.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 07/01/2013 13:13

Completely outing myself but I call Dc2 Sparrow. 9 weeks early,with arms like a well chewed chicken wing,she is still little more than skin and bones. She was nicknamed Sparrow by my dad when she was born and it just stuck. When she is called by her actual name she doesn't always respond at first.

pigletmania · 07/01/2013 13:23

Meant non issue and offended, silly I pad

cory · 07/01/2013 14:33

Surely what exact language constitutes respect varies throughout life an according to the role of the person addressed?

If I tell my boss she is wrong in the same way as I might tell my dd, it would be more far more hurtful because of the expectations laid on her (boss) by her professional role. A 10 yo would be mortified if if you spoke to him as you do to a baby (particularly if in public). I respect all my family equally. But I don't speak to them in the same way.

Original poster
jungandeasilyfreudened · 07/01/2013 15:01

Eldritch yes that is what I meant but am not explaining myself very well. I don't see anything wrong with saying things like 'look at your lovely chubby cheeks' for example but I would find it rather odd for an adult to say 'look at your big nose' in a way that doesn't suggest kindness as happened in my OP. Personally I wouldn't speak to a baby like that anyway but accept I'm pretty much alone in that way if thinking!

I find it fascinating though that because babies don't understand we should be able to say whatever we like... Whether in a pleasant tone or not I hope I never find it ok to swear at my baby. I wish I had managed to articulate myself more clearly to begin with as I really am interested in hearing views on this but maybe that's for another thread when I've time to phrase everything properly!

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