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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive? Relatives comment touched a nerve.

30 replies

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 21:47

I had a miscarriage last year, a day after my scan. Dp and I were devastated but decided to keep trying and assumed it would take quite a while. We were really lucky and conceived straight away and I'm now coming up for 5 months pregnant.

Dp's aunt asked DP tonight over the phone how I was. I'd had a bad day (bad sleep last night, last day of school holidays, trying to get everything organised, hyper DS, dog kept getting under my feet, etc) so was a bit annoyed and DP replied with 'she's a bit annoyed today.'

His aunt then stated "well she better stop getting annoyed or she'll have another miscarriage."

Was she being unreasonable by saying this or am I just over-sensitive due to hormones and only miscarrying a few months ago?

OP posts:

ohfunnyhoneyface · 06/01/2013 21:49

How cruel.

Not unreasonable, ignore her- what an utterly stupid and nasty thing to say.

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 21:50

Insensitive and stupid. Ignore.

CaptainVonTrapp · 06/01/2013 21:51

She's a knob. Horrible thing to say and untrue. Ignore.

Tortington · 06/01/2013 21:51

equally insensitive dp to relay it

Notoutorabout · 06/01/2013 21:52

Feel for you.

When I told my mother about my miscarriage, she said 'oh dear. I wonder what you did to cause that?'

Ignorant and insensitive. Ignore.

WorraLiberty · 06/01/2013 21:53

I think it depends entirely on the Aunt and her relationship with you both.

If she's a loving person who's really concerned about you both and the baby, I think it could be put down to a ridiculously hap handed way of saying, "She needs to relax and slow down and you need to help her to do that".

But if she's not that close and you have other reasons to believe she was purely being a bitch, then only you can work that out.

Good luck with the pregnancy btw

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 21:54

Horrible thing to say.

Pilgit · 06/01/2013 21:54

not the best or most helpful thing to say but is probably just concerned for you rather than anything else. My DM frequently comes out with 'helpful' things like this but they come from a place of concern and love. Not helpful and bloody annoying at the time (as well as bollocks as how can be annoyed lead to that?) but still from a place of love.

PulyaSochsup · 06/01/2013 21:55

Don't people say some insensitive things? I think she was probably concerned about you and so she made the remark. You sound stressed, maybe it feels hurtful when it was intended to be supportive. Miscarriages are very upsetting and to be pregnant again straight away probably means you are on something of an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe not the best thing for your DP to tell you though! Good luck with everything :)

cuttingpicassostoenails · 06/01/2013 21:55

I do wish that people would engage brain before putting mouth in gear.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

MammaTJ · 06/01/2013 21:57

Oh that really was insensitive.Not nice at all, but don't let it get to you. While it will not cause a MC, it will not be good for either you or the baby.

yellowsubmarine53 · 06/01/2013 21:57

It was completely thoughtless and an idiotic thing to say and it sounds like it hit your nerve about 'maybe it was something I did that caused my mc'.

It wasn't of course, but it's very natural to mentally search for some sort of reason for something that seems so cruel and random.

Hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Reaa · 06/01/2013 21:58

Stupid bitch! Aunt that is not you OP. I would of told her where to go and slammed the phone down!

Dominodonkey · 06/01/2013 21:59

I can see why this might have upset you. Why did your DP tell you though? It was him She said it to.

I am sure it was well meaning so try not to think about it.

StepfordWannabe · 06/01/2013 21:59

Yanbu to be upset by that at all, but I don't think she was deliberately being cruel (unless there is a backstory of aunt being a bitch). I had a mc during summer and was shatteredby it. My parents (whom I adore) were a major source of comfort and very upset for us. Fast forward a few months and I was pregnant again, and they kept telling me to take it easy "this time" and not get so stressed "this time", as though it was my fault last time. I was really upset and brought it up with them - they were devastated at having made me feel like that as they were just trying to wrap me (and babs) in cotton wool and for everything to go ok. The aunt, very clumsily i admit, is prob trying to do something similar. Best of luck x

PulyaSochsup · 06/01/2013 22:00

Actually, having reread it, it does seem a very unkind thing to say. Try and ignore her silly woman-

Original poster

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 22:01

Thanks for the replies. We're not particularly close to his aunt, and only see her once a year with DP staying in contact by email and the odd video call. DP said that all pregnant women get hormonal at some point during pregnancy and she replied with telling him she didnt get annoyed and was calm throughout her pregnancy with his cousin, but that was 25 years ago so she's probably looking back with rose-tinted glasses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 22:03

domino DP was quite hurt at the comment and I'd asked him what she had said to make him so upset.

OP posts:

lurcherlover · 06/01/2013 22:03

I had similar things from people when I got pregnant after mc - "make sure you take it easy this time" etc, as if me rushing around had caused the mc (and how they expected me to "take it easy" while working and being mother to a toddler was never explained...) The problem is that there are so many myths around about causes of mc - people really believe that stress, carrying heavy things, running etc can cause them, when in a normal pregnancy none of these are risk factors. Even falling down stairs or being punched in the stomach is extremely unlikely to cause miscarriage. The sad truth is that if a pregnancy is going to end - particularly in the first trimester - there is usually very little that can be done to prevent this, barring disorders in the mother like blood-clotting problems. But people naturally seek answers and want something to blame for a problem. You have my sympathies OP - it's ignorance on the part of your aunt, that's all.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 22:07

I'm not surprised it upset you, but unless she's generally a nasty person it was probably meant in a 'You'd better be helping her, making things easier for her and not stressing her out' kind of way. Like the example SW gave people are generally trying to help and be kind, but we 'take' it the wrong way

I had the mother of all rows with my Mum this summer, monumental (and we don't normally argue, just roll our eyes and sigh a lot! LOL) when I explained how what she was doing was so, so upsetting & hurtful she was quite devastated and when she explained where she was coming from I could see how to her it wasn't any of those things I was quite devastated.

Humans - tough bunch to please sometimes!

ZacharyQuack · 06/01/2013 22:07

I think Aunty has just relegated herself to the "Fine" category of friends and relations.

"How are you?"

"fine."

"How's Catching?"

"Fine"

"How's the baby?"

"Fine"

Dominodonkey · 06/01/2013 22:09

I do think the fact that she said it to your DP makes a difference though- she probably didn't think it would be passed on.

I hope everything goes really well for you this time. Quite a few of my friends had miscarriages and then the next pregnancy was really straightforward.

HumphreyCobbler · 06/01/2013 22:13

That is horrible.

roastednut · 06/01/2013 22:22

I would say its ignorance rather than nasty. I say this as someone who has had a miscarriage a few months ago. I have had a few comments I could take offence at but I think on the whole people just don't always know what to say. She may have felt really awful after putting phone down. Or like others have said may have just meant it for your dp in a 'you take care of her' kind of way.

Original poster

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/01/2013 22:29

Thanks for all of your replies, you've all been really nice. The aunt has form for saying excruciatingly insensitive comments to me so I wasn't sure if I was letting her past comments cloud this iyswim. She did say at the end of the convo "tell catching to calm down as it's bad for the baby" so hopefully, as domino said, she didn't intend on me hearing the earlier part about the mc.

I think I'll just tell DP to deal with any conversations for the duration of my pregnancy then and not to tell me if she says anything offensive. Once I'm less hormonal I'll be able to handle her better and not let her get to me.

OP posts:

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