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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think about DHs suggestion?

31 replies

roundandabout · 06/01/2013 17:29

Dh and I are married but I did not take his surname. We are now about to have our first DC and he has suggested that we give him or her my surname as his is Polish and thinks this could lead to some sort of discrimination or disadvantage for them.

I don't think DH has ever suffered any problems purely on the basis of his name but we do see and hear stories of PolisH people stereotyped or being poorly treated at work.

I don't know what to think about this really, I'd be happy for DC to have my name from a feminist point of view but just wondered what you thought about what DH thinks. Has anyone come across any discrimination because of having a Polish surname?

OP posts:
deleted203 · 06/01/2013 17:33

I think it's a shame that he feels that, but I'm wondering if it is because YOU didn't take his surname either? I live in an area with a lot of Poles and Eastern Europeans and the only thing I've ever heard said is what hard workers and pleasant people they are. So no.....DC wouldn't be discriminated against here. I think it's a shame not to celebrate your heritage, personally. However, it seems as though both DH and you are happy to give DC your surname so what's the problem?

CSIJanner · 06/01/2013 17:34

Not heard of discrimination. How about using his name as a middle name so his heritage continues? My friend has done that with both her DC's

ChaoticintheNewYear · 06/01/2013 17:35

If you're both happy to give your DC your name then do so.

squoosh · 06/01/2013 17:37

You could use his surname as a middle name of have it as part of a non hyphenated surname which could be used/not used as the child fancied.

ClippedPhoenix · 06/01/2013 17:38

I hypenated my DS's name so he had his dads first then mine last.

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 17:55

Anything not the 'norm' has the potential to be discriminated against. There was an article in the BBC I think where the same CV sent with a British sounding name got more responses than one with a foreign sounding one. I have seen in my work place people not get called back for interviews because the manager doesn't know how to pronounce their name. It's utterly ridiculous, but it does happen. Perhaps they're the kinds of situations he's thinking of?

I think the idea of giving both names and letting your child pick is a good one.

LessMissAbs · 06/01/2013 17:56

Theres a lot of people in the UK with Polish surnames, many dating back to when some Poles settled here after the Second World War. Several of our Olympians had Polish surnames.

However, some settlers from other countries have Anglified their names. I think its a bit of a shame that your DH isn't proud of his heritage and wanting to keep it. But I also see no problem with children taking their mother's name.

eggsandwich · 06/01/2013 18:18

Hi, my late father was polish and my late mother was british, while my siblings and myself were at primary school, my parents sat us all down and told us that they had decided to change our name by deed poll as it was hard for my father to get a job because of his surname and it caused various problems, problems that they didn't want us to face later in life. We all had an input into the choosen surname and once it was changed I had to try and explain to my friends at school why it was now different. This happened when I was about 8 years old, I'm now 49. I'd like to think things have changed now but but sadly not always.

FryOneFatManic · 06/01/2013 18:22

As long as you and your DH are agreed on this, then whatever you choose to do is fine.

It's not a big issue in our town because we have had a large Polish section of our community since WW2, and now they've been joined by people from other eastern European countries, and it's not been a problem. (DD's music teacher is Latvian, I'd like to know more about his country, but haven't yet asked, but I will.)

I can see the problem where some potential employers might choose British sounding names, but in this day and age, that attitude has to disappear. We now have a global population where heritage is getting so mixed that a name is no longer an accurate indicator of someone's origin, and nor should it be.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 06/01/2013 18:23

Dp works with a polish man and when people ask him his surname he say there's no point telling them as its unprounouncable with an Irish accent. Could your dhs issue be similar? Does he want to avoid the confusion of a his child's surname constantly being pronounced 'wrong' to his ears?

redexpat · 06/01/2013 18:23

If it helps I live in Denmark, and I didn't take DHs name. I gave up enough for him, wasn't about to give up my identity too. DS has a british first name and DHs surname. We're happy with this as he will probably be more danish than british and I think the name reflects that. But yes his job prospects also crossed my mind.

Trills · 06/01/2013 18:32

If you and DH have different surnames then there is no reason why your child should have his surname rather than yours.

Is there a reason why you want the baby to have his surname and not yours?

Original poster
roundandabout · 06/01/2013 18:41

Trills no there is no reason, I would be very happy for DC to have my surname - its just that I don't know of any children taking their mums surname.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/01/2013 18:54

I would go with your surname tbh.

MuddlingMackem · 06/01/2013 19:00

I think it's a shame he doesn't want them to have his name. Will you be bringing them up bilingual, or will they only speak English and perhaps have problems themselves with a Polish last name?

FWIW, I know of one woman with three daughters who all have her last name. She said that she and her husband agreed that boys would have his name and girls would have hers. They didn't have any boys! Grin

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 19:01

It's not the same, and we don't have DC yet, but DH quite often uses my name when he's booking stuff as no one can spell his (very simple, phonetically-spelt!) Russian name and constantly get it wrong. We have discussed what we'd do if we had children and we think we'd give them my name since we live over here and it's much less likely to cause them that sort of minor hassle all the time.

It's really sad your DH has to worry about prejudice though, that is rotten. Sad

Original poster
roundandabout · 06/01/2013 19:04

Muddling its not a difficult name to say or spell so Dc should have no problem. It's just the social aspect that DH is concerened about. Interesting about the woman you know - I do wonder sometimes why more DC don't have their mothers name.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 19:05

Id give the name that sounds nicest! But nit if the polish name was especially hard to spell or pronounce.

As for discrimination, my English friend has experienced it the other way round. She had a very difficult customer one day, who really was being a knob, and then he decided to ask for her full name because he thought she was being racist against Polish people. He shut up quite quickly when she gave her surname, which she took from her Polish husband.

Original poster
roundandabout · 06/01/2013 19:05

LRD yes it is sad, its got me worrying too now!

OP posts:
HopAndSkip · 06/01/2013 19:39

My DD has my surname, my ex thought it sounded better with our name choices than his. It's not uncommon if you do give DC yours.
One thought, does DH think you didn't take his name when you married because of not liking it or not wanting to risk any racism? could that be why he's suggesting using yours for DC too?

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/01/2013 19:45

Maybe a Polish Christian name to keep some of the Polish heritage.

curiousuze · 06/01/2013 19:47

I can't think of any negative stereotypes about Polish people other than some rubbish about them stealing carp??! Nothing hateful. So can't imagine they'd be discriminated against. But I'm in east London so no one has a 'British' surname anyway.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 19:48

Does the reason really matter if you are both happy for your baby to have your surname?

You could argue your DH shouldn't give in to bullies if he has been discriminated against, has he? If he just thinks the baby will then maybe he needs to have a rethink.

I don't know any Polish people so can't comment on that but you will always get people who pick on others for the stupidest of reasons and you can't avoid that.

Enfyshedd · 06/01/2013 19:52

When a friend of mine got married (about 7 years ago?), her husband took her name - I think he had a few issues with his family, his surname was pretty common compared to my friend's slightly unusual one and as my friend only has a sister, her husband thought it would be a nice gesture to take her surname instead. In turn, her DS has her surname.

There's no law which says that a woman has to take her husband's name, and neither is there a law which says a child has to take its father's name - it's just social convention. Just go with what you feel would be best.

Ilovecrossfit · 06/01/2013 19:56

Well Im Polish ( now have British nationality) I'm married to British man so have british surname.
I can understand your husband, after finishing my degree here ( still had a Polish passport at the time) I went to an employment agency and within a seconds when a lady saw my Polish passport she said " we've lots of cleaning jobs for you". Ive been living here for one third of my life now, I still have an accent some people assume I'm Scandinavian ( by my looks) when i correct them and say i'm polish ive to say they change their attitude and aren't very friendly any more ( not ALL but some) but I couldn' care less.