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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop visiting PILs so much after the awfulness of this Christmas?

30 replies

parakeet · 06/01/2013 15:07

I know it sounds extreme, but I've had enough. They live some distance away so we tend to visit every couple of months, staying for about three days. The atmosphere is very unpleasant due to frequent rows, bickering and just general bad-temperedness.

Most of it is between either FIL and their adult, disabled son, who lives at home, or FIL and my husband (who can be rude and grumpy with them himself while he's there). Mostly I would say it's down to FIL's hot temper and constant grumpiness, but my husband doesn't help.

This Christmas was the worst visit ever, constant flare-ups over trivial disagreements. At one point MIL told my husband to fuck off - while our children, who are 5 and 7, were in the same room. I feel like saying "I'm not going back there, you can take them yourself from now on." Or maybe say I'll just go once a year. I think life's too short to spend much time in this kind of atmosphere.

OP posts:

allthegoodnamesweretaken · 06/01/2013 15:09

Have you spoken to DH about it? How does he feel?

forgetmenots · 06/01/2013 15:12

YANBU. You don't have to do anything. But you do have to talk to your DH about how you feel.

blackeyedsusan · 06/01/2013 15:13

hmm, think I would be tempted to use the swearing in front of the children as the catalyst to stop going, whilst letting h go if he wants. it is not healthy for the children to be in that atmosphere.

Hesterton · 06/01/2013 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 15:16

I wouldn't let him take the children, on his own, into a situation like that - no way. Either you all go, or he goes alone (IMO).

What do you think your DH would say if you said you (and the children) weren't going back, that you are not subjecting yourself or them to that kind of behaviour and atmosphere?

NorksAreMessy · 06/01/2013 15:16

I have said 'I am not going back there, you can go on your own' to my DH about his father and stepmother.

He completely understands.
Last time he took DD (18) and she has now said 'never again' as well

They are not even especially nasty, just low level grumpy, self absorbed, miserable, unfriendly and alcoholic :(

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:17

Different families have differnt dynamics.

My BF growing up came from a large I rish family, who all sived in the same street, so aunts and cousins awere in and out all the time. the level of 'noise' with people constantly chattering over each other, but no one seemed to car that they weren't being listened to.

So your DH probably sees nothing wrong with this, doesn't mean they don't love each other any the less for the bickering. Some families are just like that, it's almost a cover for affection. Odd, but there you go.

Original poster

parakeet · 06/01/2013 15:24

I know what you mean about the children but to me it seems too cruel and controlling to "forbid" them from going. So far they seem not to have noticed much of it. I should add, I don't think they heard the fuck off, as they were watching telly. But I'm still mad about her saying it.

I haven't spoken to DH yet as I genuinely want other people's opinion as to whether I am being unreasonable. I know what DH will say. He'll promise to avoid arguments with them in future. But I have asked him this several times before and he always promises - and then breaks it. Plus there's genuinely nothing he can do about FIL rowing with his brother plus FIL's constant grumpiness and sulkiness.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:30

You don't have to go, however you cannot forbid your DH from taking his children to see his parents, despite the suggestion. It is rather infantising your DH.

TBh, you are going to hear a lot worse then 'fuck off' in the street.

As I say, you don't have to go - BUT think carefully how you are going to word it, because you are basically telling your DH his family are a shower of shit you don't want to be around. That has massive connotations and could cause a rift.

Sometimes within marriage there is just a time when you have to 'suck it up'.

Frankly with BIL and FIL - it cant be a barrel of laughs being disabled, anymore than it's a whole heap of fun being a carer. The bickering is just their relationship.

Would you be in a position to take BIL out for a bit, without MIL and FIL so the two brothers can have some time together? It might give everyone some breathing space

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 15:34

I fully agree with Holly

You cannot forbid your DH from taking the dc there... His children too and all that!

digerd · 06/01/2013 15:39

I couldn't put up with that either. That is intolerable and disgusting.

Nanny0gg · 06/01/2013 15:40

How does his brother react?
Does he like you going? Ishe confined to the house?

Original poster

parakeet · 06/01/2013 15:41

Holly I take your point about having to suck some things up as part of marriage. That is why I have continued to visit there until now. But this visit has tipped me over the edge because DH was contributing to the problem.

You are dead right about this being due to the nature of BIL and FIL's relationship. It is sad for them, but it is under their control to stop acting like this if they choose, and yet they choose to continue. I think I may have to choose to stay away.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 15:43

I would not go back, and I would explain why I would prefer it if the kids didn't go either.That said he has every right to continue taking them if he wants. However if I noticed the visits having an adverse effect on their behaviour or they were unhappy with visiting then I'd put a stop to it then.

I think 'sucking it up' simply because you're married or because 'you'll hear worse in the street' is an incedibly weak argument and not one I'd be bothered about. I'd rather make sure my children were not exposed to that kind of shitty behaviour than put up and shut up.

ILoveTIFFANY · 06/01/2013 15:44

Why do you have to stay 3 days each time? Could you cut it down a bit?

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:44

Are you of the strident personality to say 'c'mon boys, give it a rest, Mil and I don't want to listen to your bickering' ? and make an ally of her?

So it's really your exacerbates the problem?

As I said before, is it possible for DH to take his Bro out - and give everyone a rest from each other?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 06/01/2013 15:46

Yanbu, my estranged fil has a similar temper!
It's completely up to you if you decide to go non-contact, even if it's just at christmas!

A few years back i had pil to christmas dinner, not only did they not lift a finger, i was told how to cook, what pans i had to cook in as demanded by fil, who contributed nothing except sprouts from his allotment. All his nagging whilst i was trying to prepare an xmas dinner, put me off key with the timings and the dinner turned out awful because of it.
Pil then started to rant at us for drinking alcohol (it was xmas ffs).
Not only that but they wouldn't allow dc have their presents from them until after dinner which made my children get anzy, and when it came to unwrapping them the pil told my dc to just throw the wrapping and boxes anywhere they want, so dc completely ignored the bin bag that was ready. I tried picking it up but was ordered to shut up and let them have fun. 30 mins later there was me with all the washing up to clear, a pudding to cook, a trashed living room and pil were just sat on their behinds with my remote watching the horses. Not once was any help offered, just shouting, ranting and nagging.
Bear in mind i had a very small baby at the time, they could have provided something-like pudding or helped but oh no! They also stayed until 8pm, and demanded cheese & biscuits which required even more washing up
No "thanx for dinner" on way out, just grumpiness and "see you on our allocated day"

Needless to say this isn't the worst example of their behaviour but it left alot to be desired, hence never having them to xmas dinner again.
We are now estranged to fils outbursts over trivial things, tripping over my dc on purpose and mils resentment and verbal abuse toward my dd from a prev relationship.

Original poster

parakeet · 06/01/2013 15:48

To answer questions, BIL is in wheelchair. In theory we could take him out for walks but he wouldn't want to, he just wants to watch his telly or chat to friends online.

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:50

stuntgirl no one is addressing the main problem - which as I look at it - the fact you have 3 adults (MIL/FIL/BIL) quite possibly in a co-dependent relationship and quite possibly little break from each otehr.

Not our business to go through what BIL has, but he is disabled, thus you havea mature couple doing what ever taht entails daily. Tempers are going to be frayed. I doubt BIL likes being so dependent either.

I'm just putting some perpective into this.

You have an unhappy household, we all know respite care is rare, and DH comes along and adds to the mix of bickering. I don't suppose he has a barrel of laughs going to his home environment either. It all sounds terribly sad to me.

(however, I'm a bit jaundiced today as I ph my late mothers dear friend who is in the grips of Altzheimers, rapidly downhill, now in bed all day, barely eating and only her 81yo husband to look after her, he just sounded so sad, he hasn't been out anywhere for 5 years, becaue he has to look after her, so perhaps I'm seeing a bigger picture of what life in a house with someone disabled is like at the moment)

HollyBerryBush · 06/01/2013 15:51

To answer questions, BIL is in wheelchair

I've sorted your problem - send MIL and FIL out - Dh stays home with BIL to keep an eye - anything to break the monotony all 3 of them must have.

Original poster

parakeet · 06/01/2013 15:55

MIL is normally a kind of ally in that normally she doesn't shout and tries to calm things down. She is actually a wonderful grandma to them and I think it would be a great pity if they lost that relationship. So no, I have no intention of stopping the children from going.

Going to have to go now, but I will come back tonight and look at more opinions. Thanks to everyone who responded.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 16:01

That may very well be true Holly but I don't think it's the OP's place to single handedly fix those prolems. And it certainly isn't her place to put her children into an unhappy environment just to keep the peace. I wouldn't put up with anyone swearing like that in front of kids, whoever they were.

Original poster

parakeet · 06/01/2013 16:01

Just to say, your last suggestion would in theory work Holly. (Although cynic that I am, I don't think this would change FIL's behaviour.)

Also you are right, it is a sad sad situation for them all. MIL and FIL's whole life has been dominated by their son's complex health needs. Now MIL's health is dodgy and FIL does nearly all the personal care. You'd think he was a saint - except in private he's a bad-tempered sod whose language and behaviour borders on abusive I'm afraid.

Oh, and they don't get any respite care because BIL won't have it.

OP posts:

CaHoHoHootz · 06/01/2013 16:03

Can you do more 'dividing and conquering'. For example.... Ask to take your MIL out shopping for a bit. Make your DH go to the pub with his Dad and BIL on their own. Disappear with the kids for an hour or so on you own. Take your BIL to the movies. Basically, anything that breaks up the monotony of five adults siting in the house.

This wont stop the bickering but it won't feel as bad.

CaHoHoHootz · 06/01/2013 16:05

Oops, I see holly already said what I was saying..... Great minds think alike

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