to stop visiting PILs so much after the awfulness of this Christmas?

[parakeet]

I know it sounds extreme, but I've had enough. They live some distance away so we tend to visit every couple of months, staying for about three days. The atmosphere is very unpleasant due to frequent rows, bickering and just general bad-temperedness.

Most of it is between either FIL and their adult, disabled son, who lives at home, or FIL and my husband (who can be rude and grumpy with them himself while he's there). Mostly I would say it's down to FIL's hot temper and constant grumpiness, but my husband doesn't help.

This Christmas was the worst visit ever, constant flare-ups over trivial disagreements. At one point MIL told my husband to fuck off - while our children, who are 5 and 7, were in the same room. I feel like saying "I'm not going back there, you can take them yourself from now on." Or maybe say I'll just go once a year. I think life's too short to spend much time in this kind of atmosphere.

OP you are dead right, life is too short for all this toxicity. I wouldn't spend xmas with theem again (maybe Easter). Then keep contact very short and let all the awfulness bounce off you.

Your last post made me so sad parakeet but enough of maudlin sentimentality! the world has to be fixed and it's my mission today to do it

Is there scope to bring MIL down to you for a few days, leaving BILand FIL together - give MIL a break?

With regard to respite care and BIL not having it - has anyone told him he'll be in a home when his parents are dead? I know thats harsh but it seems like the ILs pussyfoot round BIL - there seems to be a lot of codependency going on. And as you say the ILs health is failing, there will come a time when they can't lift him etc. So he needs to wise up to the fact that sooner rather than later there will be a different set of carers for him, whether he likes it or not.

Just coming back on to say thanks for all these replies. MIL is unwilling to leave FIL and BIL alone together for a weekend but will for an afternoon, and there have been some other useful suggestions as to how to give some breathing space. The next time I'm there I will try to suggest some of them.

But I'm not going back for a while. I'm thinking of saying I'm not going back til next Christmas.

holly is there anyone who could help your 81 year old friend out, that is just so sad, bless him.

There's no fun in getting old from what I can see....

ladymariner he has a daughter, who was my VBF growing up; she is unfortunately very self centred, she never accepted her mothers dementia and really finds it a nuisance . \Her father makes excuses that she's working and has her own grandchildren and her own life and thats why she doesnt visit often, despite living 3 mins round the corner.

In reality, I see it now, she's just an incredibly demanding and self absorbed person.

They moved away from here, down to the coast some years ago, but the rest of the extended family is up here, they don't hold my friend (the daughter) in much regard.

She's very money and social status orientated.

An example of her solution to her 81yo fathers lonliness was to buy a labradoodle puppy - well, it's a horse! The thing is excitable, massive and needs walking. Poor old chap said he can't control it properly - any normal person would have got a smaller dog, or perhaps rehomed an older dog. But I suppose it is company for him and the short walk round the block is one way of making sure he gets out for some fresh air.

She doesnt have to work - I know people choose to for various reasons - but she is financially well off, as is her father, is a co-director of a company and owns several rental properties on top of that. If that were me, I'd be reducing my hours (her job is a pin money job which probably represents something like 1/20th of her income, but most of her time) and spending more time with my parents.

But as I say, she is terribly self centred and it wouldn't occur to her. I don't like her very much anymore TBH.