To think that now I've decided I want a baby I won't be able to :(

[WaspFactory]

I'm 35 and recently decided I want to try for a baby with my partner. I've never wanted kids before but seeing him with his daughter (4) mixed with a general feeling of something missing, it's all I can think about now.

I had a miscarriage when I was 19 after 8 weeks (I've always thought of it as a blessing tbh) and I've taken the morning after pill a few times and I've been on the Cerazette pill since May 2012.

I've mentioned wanting to get pregnant to my partner and he didn't run a mile but he won't commit to a yes or no either so I'm carrying on taking the pill until he feels comfortable with the idea (no idea when that will be).

What if, when we start TTC it doesn't happen? What if I can't have kids at all and I've left it too late to do anything about? Is it possible to have tests on the NHS or is that only after a long time of TTC?

At 35 I wouldn't be happy to wait indefinitely.

How long have you been dating?

I know, that's the problem. For some reason I've convinced myself that 37 is the latest I want to give birth so that gives me until next August.

We've been together since May 2012, so nearly 7-8 months. We live together and both serious about the relationship (we've known each other for nearly 10 years).

Red alert to him saying when he feels comfortable - you are 35 not 25, why wait? What is he waiting for? Would be nice if the age gap between his daughter and your child is not too big either...

Hmmm, if you want kids you really do need to crack on with it. Loads of people get pregnant very quickly at 35, 36, and older. But others don't. We started trying when I was 34. I'm 37 this month and we are still trying. But I have a friend who got accidentally pregnant with her third from one careless session at 36, so you never know until you try. But waiting longer to try at this point would be silly.

Think the nhs only do tests if you've been ttc for a year. Don't panic - statistically you should still be fine. Your dp does need to make his mind up though. Good luck!

I know, I totally agree with the age gap thing, plus I think it will help me to be closer to SD. To be fair to him, I only mentioned it at Christmas, so I need to give him time to think about it, he's worried about money and paying way over the odds to his ex for maintenance which he can barely afford.

Have you spoken to DP about what his concerns are to stop it being a straight forward "yes"?
Maybe he feels having a DC changed his past relationship in a negative way if they split after his DD was born.

he's worried about money and paying way over the odds to his ex for maintenance which he can barely afford.

Go via whatever the CSA is called these days, and his payments will drasically drop if/when you have a child

Don't wait to long at 35 but if you can agree with you DP a timeframe of maybe 6 months there are helpful things you can do in meantime. Stop taking the pill, and use barrier contraception and buy the book "taking charge of your fertility" - also stop drinking and smoking (if you do) and eat healthily and take folic acid and maybe other pre conception vitamins.
You can have blood tests to see what your egg reserves are like but you might have to pay privately - try discussing with GP.

You can have your fertility tested privately if you want to allay some fears.However,you can't do that when you are on the pill.

At 35,you need to get a move on.I know plenty of people get pregnant at ease at that stage,but the reality is your fertility is declining with every month that passes.

I can understand him being reluctant...it doesn't matter how long you have known him,you are only a couple for 7 months.Plus,he already has a child so the same impetus won't be there.Also,he is a man and they don't need to pay as much attention to biological clocks.He also has the recent experience of breaking up with the mother of his child...presumably he hadn't envisaged himself ending up as a single father,only having shared custody/access ,when he embarked on that pregnancy?

If I were you,I'd come off the pill,start taking folic acid,use non-hormonal contraception.Give him a few months to decide whether he wants to have a child with you....and then decide what happens next.

Sorry X post there.
Would his ex be able to manage if he reduced CM to the CSA recommended amount? He would be being perfectly reasonable to do this if he can't afford the higher amount.

Sorry,pessimistic Polly here....it would be a red flag for me if he says he cannot afford to maintain the child he already has.If he cannot afford the first child,then pure logic says he should not have a second.

Harsh,but true.

How much maintainence exactly is he paying?

at 35 you should start TTC now. If there are problems you will have a little time to play with. Get your body ready, stop your contraception now and he can use condoms if he wishes.

We started at 30 but it took years and lots of help and have a few kids now aged 41 thankfully. I know lots of people who have had difficulty.

The money issue will always be there and he just needs to get on with life regardless. However, if you do have fertility problems as a result of the delay, a bigger issue could easily be you coping with being childless. Heart breaking!

Hop - yes, he didn't say no, he was happy when I said it because it confirmed how much I love him, he was just completely shocked because I've always told him I would never have kids.

Holly - I think CSA is 15% of NET salary, which would be £300 but he pays £500. He doesn't want his ex to struggle or have to move into a rented house so that's why he pays her more.

Forever - I'm such a div. I didn't even think about using condoms, that would help my fertility woes and he HATES them so it might force his hand a bit sooner

Your relationship is still very new. It may be serious and for keeps but it is still new.

You need to give him a bit of time, given his history

Were I him, in a very new relationship, being asked to father a child to a woman concerned about her declining fertility , I might - might - feel a bit used. Just a little tiny bit.

Give him a little time.

Cerazette can be a bugger to get out of your system once you come off it, it can really mess up your cycles. Personally I would come off it now and use condoms.

On paper, we're loaded, we're both in well paying jobs. Sadly I ran up massive debts in my previous relationship supporting him through uni and partner has the maintenance issue. Plus we foolishly moved into a massive rented house and signed up for a 12 month contract last October (d'oh!)

Oh and forget your self-imposed 37 deadline.

"I've always told him I never want kids"

So, er, that's also a bit of a U Turn for him to get his head around.

Meryl, I know that's how it looks but we've been friends for years, very close friends who used to work together. We sat next to each other for 5 years. It was an ongoing joke between us that I hated kids. When people brought them into the office I ran a mile. It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to him.

FWIW, I came off cerazette and was pregnant within 3 months at 35.

Gee - congrats, I hope it works for me too :)

Wasp I was the same re: kids. I changed my mind at about 31/32. It took another couple of years for my OH to get his head around it and for us to start trying. Which would have been fine if it had all worked quickly.

BTW, fertility MOTs and ovarian reserve tests are of limited value. 30-40% of infertility is "unexplained" i.e. nothing is found on any of the usual tests. This is the situation we are in.

I was very much like you beforehand too ... strong aversion to children and very sure they weren't on my horizon. It came as a huge shock to DP (of 15 years) when I suddenly declared that, actually, he should disregard everything I had said over the previous 15 years about never wanting children as I had changed my mind. Luckily he was of the same mind.

Good luck :)