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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that now I've decided I want a baby I won't be able to :(

34 replies

WaspFactory · 06/01/2013 11:15

I'm 35 and recently decided I want to try for a baby with my partner. I've never wanted kids before but seeing him with his daughter (4) mixed with a general feeling of something missing, it's all I can think about now.

I had a miscarriage when I was 19 after 8 weeks (I've always thought of it as a blessing tbh) and I've taken the morning after pill a few times and I've been on the Cerazette pill since May 2012.

I've mentioned wanting to get pregnant to my partner and he didn't run a mile but he won't commit to a yes or no either so I'm carrying on taking the pill until he feels comfortable with the idea (no idea when that will be).

What if, when we start TTC it doesn't happen? What if I can't have kids at all and I've left it too late to do anything about? Is it possible to have tests on the NHS or is that only after a long time of TTC?

OP posts:
rainrainandmorerain · 06/01/2013 12:29

I think you are being sensible wasp to be bearing in mind your age re:children. But I do think it is worthwhile trying to sort your thoughts out into realistic v not so important concerns.

For example - I don't think a self imposed deadline of 37 is useful (unless it has a real significance I've missed). But I do think that in your mid 30s you don't want to be left in the position of 'we'll try for a baby when I feel ready and I won't commit to when that is' from your partner.

(Not that that's what he's said! and I'm not advocating going at it like a bull in a china shop and giving him deadlines right now etc - esp as you have changed from being a person who did not want children to one who does. And he started a relationship with you when you were of your former view' AND you haven't been together very long)

I am biased because I have a lot of female friends who were strung along by their male partners with 'not yet, not yet... yeah, but not yet.....' in terms of children, and who hung on until their very late 30s or early 40s.... only for that partner when finally pushed to say 'no, I don't want kids' - or for them to run into fertility problems.

I am also a mother who had her 1st ds at 38 and is expecting another at 41, and that seems to be working out well - but I didn't fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, and not getting pregnant was a time of huge anxiety for me.

I don't want to be alarmist, at all - but one thing that shocked me as a naive mid 30 something was the whole 'waiting list' and eligibility issues for fertility treatment on the nhs. Here, the cut off age for ivf is 39 and a half. But there is a year's waiting list - and just to see the consultant who could put you in the waiting list was 6 months to a year. Add in time for tests and appointments etc before being judged a suitable candidate for ivf - plus the fact that gp's won't refer you until you've been trying for a year.... do the maths, and you realise that you'd need to be entering into that whole system not much older than 36.

There. that does sound alarmist, sorry. You have no reason at all to think you have fertility problems, I take it.

So what I would suggest is not that you sit and brood and fret - but that you get your thoughts clear and give yourself a few deadlines. Unless your dp brings the subject up voluntarily, why not leave the subject alone before raising it again in another 3 months. At a good time, obvs - not when he's stressing about money for example.

See what response you get then (and also if you still feel the same!). If he doesn't want to talk about it, ask if you can talk about it in a few months time. If he gives you a 'yes but not now' answer, try and get him to say what it is that would need to be different in your lives for him to say 'ok, let's start trying.'

i think those answers are really revealing. They need to be quite concrete and realistic - not 'When we have a lot more money' for example. Money concerns are sensible and practical - but only when they boil down to 'how would we both earn and what would be bring in', not 'we'll only have a child when I feel totally happy about money and have no worries'.

It is hard, but you have to be fair to him and what he wants, without leaving yourself waiting for a green light that never comes.

WaspFactory · 06/01/2013 12:39

Thanks Rain, that's really helpful. I had no idea about the IVF situation, that does make me feel that my anxiety isn't misplaced.

I don't think he's stringing me along, he's only had a couple of weeks to think about it, and he was shocked when I told him but obviously happy that it was being with him and seeing him with his daughter that had a lot to do with it. He also gave me a very knowing look 2 days ago when a little girl in the supermarket was staring at me and pointed out later how cute she was.

Your right, I should leave it for a while and not even mention it. I think I'll take the advice of others on this thread to start looking after myself a bit better, stop taking the pill and suggest condoms instead, that will help to reduce my anxiety, I hope!

Thanks all x

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 06/01/2013 21:00

Can also use diaphragm if he hates condoms. Either way best to start getting your body ready for pregnancy and can't do the tests while in the pill.

Dogsmom · 06/01/2013 21:49

I was like you too Wasp, never wanted kids, I even asked to be sterilised at 21. I'd change tables in a restaurant if one sat nearby and leave shops if one screamed.

Personal circumstances made me realise a family was more important to me than I thought when I was 34 and I told my DH I'd changed my mind, he had a son from a previous marriage and loves kids and so we stopped using contraception, I hadn't been on the pill for years we were using condoms so didn't have to wait for that to get out of my system and expected to be pregnant within a month but it took exactly 3 years (I'm due in 9 weeks), I had a termination 10 years ago after falling pregnant on the pill and so knew I COULD get pregnant and the only thing I can asssume caused the delay is my age, fertility falls dramatically around our mid 30's.

From what you say your partner isn't against the idea and it might be worth having a google of the fertility stats for your age and having a proper discussion with him.

Regarding money if you wait until you think you can afford it you'll never have one, we've had to make a lot of cutbacks and have been saving whilst we were trying to conceive but she's going to be very loved and have our time which is way more important than money.

MummytoKatie · 06/01/2013 22:03

Have you had a rubella immunity test? If you are not immune then you need a jab and won't be able to ttc until 3 months after. So may be worth getting it done - just ask your GP. (If you don't try / get pregnant straight away I'd have another one after a year or so. I had my jab at 11, immune at 29 before ttc dd, immune at 30 when pregnant with dd. Not immune at 33 when pregnant with second child. Apparently it's really common but a nasty shock when I found out. And sod all I can do about it apart from avoid spotty people!)

Glimmerberry · 06/01/2013 22:32

Come off the pill now. Seriously. It can take a long time for your cycle, a proper ovulating regularly cycle, to return. Even up to 18 months after coming off the pill is considered normal, albeit the upper limit of normal.

I'd suggest getting a Persona and using condoms. The Persona would at least help you monitor your cycle, know that you are ovulating and when. Which might give you a basic sense of how easy or otherwise it might be to all pregnant.

WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 11:28

Dogsmom - thanks and congrats :)

MummytoKatie - no idea, I think I had Rubella injection at school, I'll check it out - thanks.

Glimmerberry - what is Persona and how does it work?

OP posts:
Peevish · 07/01/2013 11:50

OP, you've had some good advice on here - just to say that neither of us ever wanted children, but we changed our minds when I was about to turn 39, and were also haunted by the idea that, having postponed so long, it might not happen because we'd left it too long. We conceived the first month, and the result is now nine months old.

WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 12:11

Peevish - that's very comforting - congrats :)

Can I ask you how you're doing and if/when you went back to work?

OP posts:
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