To have walked off and said nothing to this child/mother?

[TwigsWithStupidLittleLightsOn]

Hello. Long time lurker.

Soft play. A girl of what I guessed was 4/5 walked up to my 21mo and totally unprovoked, shoves him in the chest. Hard. I'm biased, but he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Not even looked at her. No toy stealing or anything. He falls backwards onto the floor and bursts into tears (understandably).

Mother/carer of this girl doesn't acknowledge me or DS but takes the girl by the arm and tells her to say sorry. Girl ignores her and walks off. Mother does nothing. Says fuck all to me. Not even an apologetic look. By this time I've picked my son up and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to calm him down.

I don't suffer fools and normally I would have said something. I was so shocked that I walked off with hysterical DS in tow. If he had done that to another child I would have died. Apologies all round.

Is this normal behaviour? Was her pathetic attempt to make her child show some kind of remorse sufficient and AIBU to think it was not? Should I have said something or was I right to just leave it?

I disagree indeed children have to learn right from wrong, whatever age it is wrong to hit and push another chi,d, it would be unacceptable as adults and it's unacceptable as children. Funny how most children don't resort to hitting or pushing or aggressive behaviour to te off steam

Inneed - why are you even mentioning PFB? It doesn't matter what kid it is, to some people such as myself and others on here, letting kids run riot like a pack of feral dogs isn't particularly normal. There's a big difference between a bit of scuffling and hyperactivity in soft play compared to certain kids thinking its fine to indulge in aggressive behaviour. Be interesting to see how this whole 'leave them to it' attitude gets some parents in a few years. Shy and less confident children such as my ds for example pay a high price for it, in the form of getting bullied. Nice isn't it.

A soft play attached to a pub? Location please.

Most soft places have designated play areas for under 5, my dd used to love sft play as a toddler why should she stay at home because arentdcsnt control their aggressive children. Should they be the only ones to dominat it

So according to uptheamp parents can take their kids where they want but expect them to get pushed around and bullied by other children, then not expect an apology from parent or child because 'it's what children do' and we should just let them get on with it.
People with attitudes like yours are the reason I avoid taking my 3 to play centers.

I tell you what I won't take mine out anywhere until they're all at least 10 and big enough to defend themselves and then they can go around pushing other kids smaller than them about with no fear of ramifications . Sounds great

Is the 'play group' you run by any chance a training center for kids ufc ?

Mentioning it because if she had already had dc this wouldn't be an issue.

I also don't think it's anyone else's children's job to install self confidence in anyone else's dc.

Run riot was a turn of phrase, I meant boisterous happy dc running up and down. My dc and the friends we go go with dc know the rules and they're not out of control but they do run around play boisterous games and are very very loud in those sort of places. If I had shy quiet unconfident dc (I wish I wish I wish they were less loud and bonkers) I wouldn't take them to soft play and let them get on with it espcially of they didn't have a friend already to play with.

Twigs it's great, there's this glass wall you can sit and watch them without having to hear them, and get on with MNing or reading

Sorry, Uptheamp, but I think you have it wrong. Soft play areas are for all children, there is usually an area for children under a certain age. Ds goes into these area, they are designed for small children to be able to climb and play and explore in a safe way. Ds falls a lot, and it is great for him to be able to clamber up a slide in a way that he wouldn't be able to in an outdoor park. If a child marches over to ds and thumps him (this has happened), then I think I have every right to ask the child not to do that, and hope that the parent will come over and apologise, and maybe monitor the child a bit more closely. The same rule would apply whether it is soft play, a play park or any other environment tbh.

The parent attempted to make the child apologise - I think you should leave it at that.

The other parent might have been scared of how you (as the parent of the injured child) might react. I'm the proud owner of an ASD biter who I had to watch like a hawk. He bit another child at soft play when I took my eye off the ball (he was provoked but over reacted), I apologised on his behalf as he was non verbal at that point and the other parent growled at me like a dog and I was actually scared!

It is unrealistic to expect everyone to parent the same way as you.

I agree that the girl and mother's behaviour was rubbish but unless you are just so full of rage that you have to say something I would just turn your back on them and comfort your child. Perhaps say something to your ds like " no that wasn't kind was it, she was naughty and shouldn't have hit you" . So your ds knows that you are acknowledging that something unacceptable happened to them. If you want say loudly enough for the other kid/mum to hear.

If it's at school/ nursery or with kids they know then you might need to do something a bit stronger (eg. talk to the mother ) as you don't want the behaviour repeated. But for a stranger I find best to just ignore the other kid.

So many times other kids ahve been sent over to apologise and just ended up diverting my attention from my own dc. IN fact not one of the "apologies" I've had from kids is from a kid able to talk sufficiently well to say sorry! They often push because they want attention, so best not to give them yours.

Sometimes your kids do let you down spectacularly though. We were at friends when my 2yo clonked the slightly smaller child over the head, totally unprovoked, unexpected etc. child and mother were so shocked, me too, how embarrassing. I would have thought the mother would have apologised profusely whether or not the child did. But not everyone has social skills we might assume they should, the tragedy of mixing with the public!

wow some particularly nasty comments aimed at me on here

uptheamp if grants are wasted on that kind of crap no wonder the country is broke.!! lol was doing it for nowt but thanksfor the support !!

thanks guys, Is the 'play group' you run by any chance a training center for kids ufc ? whats do you mean by that?

do particularly hate the way certain children are vilified at soft play. and certain posters are twisting my words

I think the mother should have apologised on the child behalf.

I think some parents seem to go a bit bonkers in soft play - understandable I suppose

I've lost count of the times parents have simpered and smiled weakly at me as their child attempts to twist DS1's head off or drag him off the slide by his ears. I've learned to take a fairly robust approach - if he's being repeatedly harassed by another child, or subjected to life-threatening violence I will intervene. If it's just an occasional bit of pushing and shoving I let him get on with it. I suppose I'm lucky because he tends to stand his ground but doesn't generally hit back unless really pushed to the limit.

You also don't always get the full picture. I'm in that annoying stage with DS2 where he's too big to just mooch about in the baby bit but too small to get around himself, so no more tea and MN for me -it's full-on following him around. Yesterday 2 little girls kept coming up to him and prising his hands off whatever he was playing with and pushing him away. One of them also went to hit him. I kept stopping them and telling them they had to leave him alone. Unfortunately the one time their mother saw anything, it was the time DS2 (just turned 1) screamed at them and pulled off a perfectly co-ordinated shove to one of them and hair-yank to the other - he had a wailing child in each hand. Much glaring and huffing by their mother. I apologised and said "I think he's getting a bit upset because they keep pushing him." She glared, said nothing and stomped off. No doubt she thought I was raising a tiny delinquent....

and of course i would tell a child off for bad behaviour! feel really fucked off with the comments on here. in the real world parents support what i do so don't really know why i am getting would up by people who judge my work on one thread but parents do need to let children sort certain situations out for themselves, that's how they learn and they are perfectly capable.

my grandson whos 2.7 went to his cousens party at a play gym [still open to public] two boys came up to him one bit his face and the other grabbed him by the neck mothers was sat there drinking never looked up so gs antie complained and they got asked to leave ,nice red mark on face today :(.

oh and my grandsons other grandma who was there shouted GET OFF MY GRANDSON top of her voice then play gym went very quiet.

Uptheamp, I don't think I have been particularly harsh with you, but I just don't like the implication that if I want my children to use soft play, then I have to suck it up if they get whacked. I know that a certain amount of rough and tumble is to be expected, but some children are more vulnerable than others, and do not understand the idea of sorting out their own problems. if a child takes a toy of ds or whacks him, he just stands and takes it, sometimes he will get upset ( he will scream like a banshee if someone tries to touch him)but he has no idea of how to stand up for himself. I think it is important to intervene in children's play when they lack social communication skills.

i just think older children do get villified at soft play by parents when they are just 'playing' of course they should be told off when they are hitting other children etc and i would as a worked interevene

the comments on here towards me have been really upsetting if i am honest and i never really let mn get to me. wonder why i am running these sessions if people think like some of the comments aimed at me on here. perhaps i'll just give up.

I do not vilify older children at soft play, if I take ds to the big out of town soft play, it is because I have older dd's (5 and 6) who like going. They understand that you do not push and shove other children and that you are careful around the smaller children. If they did go up to a child and shove it in the chest (as happened in the op) I would tell them off and apologise to the mother. I don't see what is wrong with that.

uptheamp - people here are just picking up on what you have said, yourself. If you don't want to be judged on that, don't say it.

Example - I say upthread that 3 year olds 'still need adult input and appropriate supervision'. Your response was simply 'why?'

I responded: 'children are not able to sort out their own problems to any degree if they have not been shown and taught how. Just like they don't learn to talk or read on their own."

You said: "Really? I think they are perfectly capable. even really young children."

So no talk about your views being misrepresented, please. And btw, I would never leave my children to play on a playscheme or whatever it is you run if I knew that was the attitude of the adults 'in charge'.

I think the mother should have made her child sit out fo ra while and explained to her why.
I also think the mother was probably consumed by embarrassment.

I think there is something true about what posters have described as soft play area being designed to "hype up" children as it were.
There are always hidden areas where parents cannot see their child.
They are noisy places. The food is full on crap. Total junk food upon junk food. They tend to be like cages encouraging racing around and throwing.
Having said that why should the op leave? Her child did nothing wrong.
I am so glad I don't have to go anymore.

my 'why' was to the comment:

uptheamp are you deliberately trying to start an argument? You're sounding like a bit of an arse to be honest.

and i wasn't responding to your comments at all

do you think i deserved the comments then ? have reported one or two as they are personal attacks. not resonable debates.

hate hate hate aibu, attracts people who just want to argue and be abusive

I think teaching your child to sort out disagreements and stand up for themselves in a non aggressive manner is a very very important life skill. Just saying.