To have walked off and said nothing to this child/mother?

[TwigsWithStupidLittleLightsOn]

Hello. Long time lurker.

Soft play. A girl of what I guessed was 4/5 walked up to my 21mo and totally unprovoked, shoves him in the chest. Hard. I'm biased, but he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Not even looked at her. No toy stealing or anything. He falls backwards onto the floor and bursts into tears (understandably).

Mother/carer of this girl doesn't acknowledge me or DS but takes the girl by the arm and tells her to say sorry. Girl ignores her and walks off. Mother does nothing. Says fuck all to me. Not even an apologetic look. By this time I've picked my son up and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to calm him down.

I don't suffer fools and normally I would have said something. I was so shocked that I walked off with hysterical DS in tow. If he had done that to another child I would have died. Apologies all round.

Is this normal behaviour? Was her pathetic attempt to make her child show some kind of remorse sufficient and AIBU to think it was not? Should I have said something or was I right to just leave it?

[CloudsAndTrees]

Daisy, you are actively teaching your child what is acceptable and what isn't, and of course it's exhausting and difficult to keep up 100% of the time.

Try to remember that your son is still very very little and a long way away from being fully cooked. He has lots of time to learn these things, and he will if you are supporting him. You won't always be the only person he has to help him learn, he will get input and influence from teachers too, and I'm sure he will turn out to be lovely, because he has a Mum who clearly cares very much.

I hope you are ok.

[WaynettaSlobsLover]

No way are kids who have been exposed to DV going to automatically grow up violent. I've watched a close friend struggle with her rough little boy, who was actually also a kind and friendly little soul in general. She had an awful time I remember and when I worked at a crèche he attended, the lead worker had to pull her aside and tell her about his behaviour, which made my friend blub her eyes out. I felt shit for her too as I knew her home life wasn't happy and her ds's behaviour was a result of that. Anyway, he's a beautiful and very bright kid and she's doing a lot better. I grew up in a household with a violent dad and apart from bad sleeping/anger issues as a kid, I'd like to think I'm a pretty well adjusted adult

[WaynettaSlobsLover]

My sincere apologies daisy if I hurt your feelings [hug] seen it all first hand myself and know how exhausting it is. My poor mum suffered but did her best. Prob why I'm so strict on my ds particularly when it comes to the treatment of little girls in his company

[Posterofapombear]

Daisy the fact that you care enough to be exhausted by it tells me your LO will have the best chance at turning out to be great.

[rainrainandmorerain]

Daisy, no one on this thread has said that children from difficult backgrounds will automatically grow up 'bad'.

They usually do have some problems, and inappropriate behaviour including violence towards other children is common.

I know this can be horrendous and very distressing for the parents trying to deal with this - but the point is, when they ARE trying to deal with it, then credit to them.

The parents who don't see there is a problem, or who refuse to address it, make me very angry, and are not helping that child.

But that is not you. So please don't be upset. You sound as if you are doing your best and it is very hard work. Your little boy is lucky to have you make such an effort for him.

[FobblyWoof]

Wow! So many people on this thread saying that's it's normal for a 4/5 year old to push other children. I can accept that being excitable, and having a lack of awareness about personal space being that young, that accidentally running another child or bumping into them while trying to climb etc is perfectly normal.

But kids that age pushing each other? Not I don't buy that. I have younger siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews etc and they have never behaved like this. It's just totally unacceptable. And parents saying "oh, that's normal, I don't see the problem" are making excuses and making it acceptable for their children to do that.

If my mother had told me to apologise to another child I would have done it, and if I hadn't I would have been made to stand there until I did.

[FobblyWoof]

Just like to point out that my post has nothing to do with what Daisy said! I think DV brings a whole different element to the debate.

[notnagging]

Seems you can't win either way

[Gingerodgers]

A little girl stole my sons ball the other day, her dad said, sorry, now give it back, she said no, so he said, sorry again, but you can't have it back, she wants to keep it, then they both walked off, hand in hand..........ffs!( with the friggin ball)

[Nandocushion]

Push, poke, shove. Soft play, PFB. I remember storming around demanding reparations because my darling had been denied the trike for too long. (I am still very embarrassed about it too.)

OP, your DC will survive. And then, in a year or so, your DC will be the one doing the pushing. The other mother didn't ignore it. Don't make it into a big deal. It's not a bite and it hasn't left marks.

[Mosman]

Avoid soft play, I spent far too much time in them in the UK when mine were little, we haven't stepped foot in one in Australia, I bought a trampoline for the garden and when it's 45 degrees or pissing down they are on that to burn energy without getting beaten up or subjected to other peoples brats. This is more for my good than theirs as I feared I was going to get punched by another parent if their cherub stole anything from mine, hit them, poked them whatever because I'd had enough and was about to start pointing out their shortcomings.

[pigletmania]

Ginger that is disgraceful, I would have told that actually its our ball, we paid for it so if we can just ave it back. He dd nt want to upset little diddums. My dd 5 has ASD and fixates into different things especially if they have pictures which she likes, if she had taken that ball she would be mad to give it bac if not I would take it from her and give it to the owner

[pigletmania]

If she pushed or was rough with another child I would apologise unreservedly to the child and parent even though I would be dying inside

[TheNebulousBoojum]

'I didn't want the parent / carer to turn around and tell me that the girl had special needs or anything similar. Hence I just left it.'

Whatever the needs of the child, it doesn't stop the parent apologising and explaining though, especially as it wasn't a crisis/meltdown situation.

[pigletmania]

Exactly the nebulous, even though my dd as sn I still apologise if she has done anything,

[RillaBlythe]

ginger that happened to me with our bucket & spade in the sandpit. DD was distraught & I was absolutely gobsmacked. It even had DD's name written on it!

[TheNebulousBoojum]

I know piglet, I used to as well.
Having a child with sn is an explanation of behaviour, not an excuse.

[Mosman]

Did you not just take back your property ?

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Or say 'Of course, that will be ten pounds please'

[Grapesoda]

I'm with sirboobalot.
It's not true that only a child with problems at home would push another. That is frankly, a ridiculous statement. She pushed him, she didn't tie him up and beat him with a poker. It's upsetting when someone makes your child cry and brings out lots of mother tigress feelings.
Op, I think you were right to just walk away. Comforting your dc is the most important thing.

[Grapesoda]

But the mother should have apologised and I would have expected a 4 yr old to do so when asked.

[pigletmania]

That's right TheNebulous I was trying to find a right phrase for it without upsetting anybody. Any chid from ANY background can be aggressive. My friends son is so aggressive towards dd becase of her sn, because if her sn he does not like her. My fiend is lovely, her dh is lovely and her older dd 8 is sch a star ad wonderful Wth dd. this little boy who is also 5 has aways had anger issues, I think that he might have some from of sn himself. I have never met a chi,d like him. My frend and I meet when the kids are at school as she I embarrassed

[InNeedOfBrandy]

I agree with most of what upthump says.

I also never took mine to soft play when they were that young didn't see the point tbh and situations like you've described op would of wound me up. Now mine are school age and the soft play we go to convienatly (can't spell it) is attached to a pub I can sit there in peace while they run riot in another room

All dc end up hitting kicking pinching biting pushing and poking other dc at some point or another. Wouldnt get wound up about it if I were you this won't be the last time your PFB gets hurt by another child.