To work 12 hours a day for 3 years with 3 Dcs under 6?

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I have 3 Dcs 5 and under. I have a very stressful job which involves long hours, averaging about 12 hours a day but sometimes longer. I am a pretty laid back person so can cope with the stress but am very into my kids so I am sad not to spend more time with them. But if I carry on with my job for next 3 years I am fortunate enough that I will be able to save enough to privately educate my children up to end of primary. But is it worth it?

In your shoes I'd keep kids in a good main stream primary school but pay for private and secondary level. There will also be uni to consider.

only u can decide if working 12 hrs a day is worth it; however what I would say is that things change when they get to school (private or state) and they start noticing the parents who do go to assemblies / christmas concerts etc and ask why you don't. also childcare does become more of a juggle for school age children - holidays / sickness etc.

personally I'd go for state primary and private secondary with tutoring at primary if necessary - that or move
ps - used to get real stick from my DD when I couldn't go to concerts / assemblies at primary - now she's at secondary I'm not allowed across the threshold of the school !

There is a big difference between being out of the house for 12 hours and working for 12 hours.

YABU, the most valuable commodity you can give your children is time......

i suppose it depends partly on what having your children privately educated means to you. As someone else pointed out - if it is academic success, then home input and support is more likely to help them than private education.

but then maybe you have truly awful schools in your area. Dunno.

Hand on heart - if you said that you loved work, that you find spending more time than you currently do with 3 under 5 year olds awful and unfulfilling, then i would think fairly straightforwardly that you are better off as you are.

But you say that you feel sad you are not there more.

So... I would try and be there more with your kids, if it makes you happier.

What about after primary? Isn't it more usual to do state primary private secondary? Then you'd have longer to save and more time to help them through primary?

But how would your dc benefit from you 'working like a nutter?' Private education, especially at primary level, isn't going to benefit them more than having you around. That's not to say you can't work,but 12 hours a day, along with a dh who works long hours, is hardy of benefit to your children is it?

I'd go for private secondary education. Gives you a bit longer to save and explore trust fund/tax break etc etc options.

A pp who talked about her mum going from private to state has it right, sadly. Do it the other way round......it'll make more difference in the long run to their life chances, too.

No. In my dad's words, 'when people are on their deathbed, they never say 'I wish I spent more time at work'. You will never never get those years back.

I think I would have major regrets on my deathbed if I hadn't fulfilled some career ambitions because I was busy changing nappies.

If you can afford good nannies cleaners etc and really do spend time with them in weekends and holidays it isn't so much of an issue. But not to be able to ay private education.

But as another said above, the time they really need you around is when they older say from eight or nine upwards when they need much more emotional support and also teen years when having a parent around can make all the different.
If working now those hours puts you ina position to get a well paid eighty percent or sixty percent contract in four years time then do it.

heh - chandellina, I think I would have awful regrets about not having fulfilled career ambitions (or any ambitions) if all I had done instead was change nappies.

But luckily there's so, so, so, so, so much more to being the parent of under 5's than that.

As a feminist, self employed main breadwinner in the family, I'm no stranger to the difficulties of working and having babies/small children at the same time. I've never seen why having a successful career (or it is atm, at least) means having to be dismissive of what being a parent involves.

I hate to sound the feminist crusade klaxon, but there are hundreds of thousands of men doing so with no need to nervously consult parenting boards to double check its okay.

You do what you believe is best for your children.

And I will tell you, having a mother that did similar hours to you provided me with so much inspiration and respect for her.

Contrary to popular belief, SAHM/PTWOHM does not always equal closer bonds or a better childhood.

I think sounding the feminist klaxon is fine!

But to point out....

The OP is not saying 'I love my job but I feel guilty working/should I give it all up?'

She has said she feels 'sad'. That she 'misses out'. She says that if working like a nutter (her words) means that only she 'misses out' but her children are fine then she will keep doing it. She enjoys 'some aspects' of her job - but would like to go part time, and doesn't have the option. So she is thinking both of herself, but also very much in terms of doing 'what is best' for her children, as you put it, euroshopper.

Which is okay, isn't it?

I'm sure sahm/ptwohm doesn't always equal close bonds or a better childhood.

But I'm equally sure that for an individual wanting the best arrangement for them, and trying to find the happiest and most fulfilling outcome for themselves, it is worth exploring, esp where there is some ambivalence about work.

If your children could say, as adults what they thought, I believe they would say no.
They would of course understand if you had no choice to work 12 hours to manage bills/living expenses financially. Maybe their education is made positive through what the child makes of it, given the strong influences of a happy home life.

I imagine they may cherish precious memories of their mum playing with them, spent doing the simple things in life like learning to cook, making a mess out in puddles, picnics, etc .

Your children are likely to value your input into their education(your time spent teaching/learning together as well as money into schooling/extracurricular activities). But I believe they would cherish your decision not to trade so many hours (12 a day)during their early childhood years. Routine is really important and comforting but only part of a loving childhood

It's not worth it, yabu.

Why private primary, why not private secondary? Or save for all of their Uni fees? Or to give them all reasonable deposits for a first house?

Do it yourself, I'd rathert home ed than work and put them into private school having not had the attention in the early years.
They need to go to school - any school, knowing their colours, their alphabet and tbh able to read ideally. They should be able to write their names and identify their stuff, take themselselves to the toilet and eat their lunch unaided. If they can change into their PE kit that's a bonus.
Worry about getting all that sorted and your children will do brilliantly at the local primary and you will look 10 years younger.

I've recently heard/read that it's better to pay for private primary as it teaches them good study habits from the start and they'll be trying to catch up if moving from state primary to private secondary-there would be loads of extra tuition to get them up to the private level.

It depends if the DCs are well cared for by others. If they are, are happy and have a secure carer/s and aren't being rushed from place to place then it's fine. You're the one missing out OP.

Yanbu.

Fwiw I am just starting a job which means my nearly 3 year old will be at nursery 11.5 hours per day. This is because my husband is due retirement from the forces in 3 years and I need a 'safe' job by the time he gets out. I am highly qualified for the role I have taken and there is no option for part time unfortunately.

Our plan is that my husband will work part time hours when he leaves the forces to ensure he is home when dd finishes school.

Both Primary and Secondary Schools are ofsted rated 2 and above in the area we live in so that is not something that we feel we have to worry about, they also have a good reputation with parents.

I was interested in your question early on in the thread asking whether your children would remember you not being around much in their early years.

Yes, absolutely they will. They may not articulate this with words but their memories will be mostly of their days with their nanny. Their days with their nanny become their lives, their memories, imprinted in their very beings forever.

The 0-3 years are the formative years and this includes emotional strength, attachments etc.

I am not suggesting your children are not or will not be attached to you or are emotionally unhealthy, I am just saying that you will not have the influence on them that you would if you were with them more. And that may be absolutely fine.

I think it's up to your children - what would they want you to do? If they are happy with the childcare arrangements as they are, and with Dad putting them to bed you can carry on as you are as you enjoy your work and that is what makes you tick.

My guess is that your children would want you and their Dad to be at home more and go to the local primary school with local friends.

I don't think this is a yes or no decision and it certainly shouldn't you that's forced to make the compromise alone.

expecting children to make adult decision that has significance is preposterous
really,it such bizarre suggestion.child hasn't the capacity,or range of experience
I dont ask my kids to make such decisions.chose cereal,yes.discuss mum career,no

You will bitterly regret it when they are older. Not worth it at all.

why would one regret being solvent,having career.in fact likely enjoy and be satisfied