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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work 12 hours a day for 3 years with 3 Dcs under 6?

152 replies

forgottenpassword · 05/01/2013 15:43

I have 3 Dcs 5 and under. I have a very stressful job which involves long hours, averaging about 12 hours a day but sometimes longer. I am a pretty laid back person so can cope with the stress but am very into my kids so I am sad not to spend more time with them. But if I carry on with my job for next 3 years I am fortunate enough that I will be able to save enough to privately educate my children up to end of primary. But is it worth it?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 05/01/2013 17:36

Hmm, well you are obviously asking the question because you are having cold feet.
Personally? No I couldn't do it. BUT it has to be your choice and what you and your family are happy with.
I also agree that private primary is only any good if the aim is to get the DC into good Grammar schools afterwards.

What does your DH think? Who looks after the DC whilst you both work? Do you have domestic help (as Bonsoir outlined)?

annh · 05/01/2013 17:42

How do you manage to see them for an hour in the morning and put them them to bed in the evening? Say they wake at 7 and you leave at 8, then don't return until 8 - they are not going to bed until at least 8.30? And they are aged only 5 and under? It't not really fun time for anyone is it? In the morning you are getting breakfast, shower, trying to get put the door and in the evening you arrive when everyone is tired and have to get them into pyjamas and brush their teeth? When do you actually "see" them as opposed to just getting through the necessary routines?

scottishmummy · 05/01/2013 17:48

yes.if you can adequately cope with demands. of work, you've got good nanny
don't know your circumstance re schools, but if you can afford it, up to you
working will do them no harm despite what mn naysayers will say,or dodgy books

Fluffy1234 · 05/01/2013 17:50

I agree with the others who have said spending on private primary over secondary is a bit odd. I would go for the other way around myself. But regarding the 12 hour days it's up to you. If you posted and said I need to work 12 hours a day to feed and house my children no one would have said that's a bad idea. Have you managed to save a lot already towards your childrens schooling?

WifeofPie · 05/01/2013 17:52

YABU unless your partner can try to get home earlier or SAH altogether. DH works crazy long hours and I don't work at all. There's only so much a nanny can do. How do you fit in all the other things that need to be done for a household/family of five and get a bit of QT with your kids if you're both working very full days? I suppose it might be do-able if one or both of you is willing to forgo a lot of sleep?

Fairylea · 05/01/2013 17:53

For me being a sahm is more important than anything else now. When dd now aged 9 was little I worked full time in a very demanding managerial position and then part time for several years. At the time money was important to me and I was very ambitious etc. When I had ds 7 months ago I looked back on the time I had dd and realised I missed so much. I can't get Tthat time back and I didn't want to do it again.

So now I am sahm and I love it. I don't want to miss anything. It all goes so fast.

I'd rather sacrifice a 35k salary than miss time with my children.

But that's just me. Private school wouldn't even be a factor for me. I went to private school myself but we have moved to a better area (Suffolk) rather than stay in south London so we have good state schools instead.

everlong · 05/01/2013 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 05/01/2013 18:19

also ask some real life folks, the mn jury is predominately precious moments crew
financial solvency, saving for something and being able to pay it is v fortuitous
post on going back to work topic for some mn balance.

Ephiny · 05/01/2013 18:31

Btw when I say save for secondary, I am not saying don't work the hours. I'm saying do work them, and put the money in the bank.

Is the salary really only 35k though? Shock I wouldn't work 12 hour days for that!

TunaPastaBake · 05/01/2013 18:31

Pay for secondary education.

MrsLyman · 05/01/2013 18:34

If you were a man no one would bat an eyelid at you doing this.

scottishmummy · 05/01/2013 18:48

if a man posted by working he'd afford to private school 3kids hed get plaudits
woman posts,she gets teeth sooking and its only money,you'll miss precious moments
such is the sexiest stereotypical attitudes levelled at women,v wimmin know yer place

Original poster
forgottenpassword · 05/01/2013 18:50

Thinking was to move when Dc are older to a grammar school area or somewhere where state secondaries are good. They are awful where I am. Thanks for all your replies. Definitely need to give this some more thought!

OP posts:
izzyishappilybusy · 05/01/2013 18:51

It doesn't harm dcs but as a mum working those hours I missed so much

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 05/01/2013 18:52

"If you were a man no one would bat an eyelid at you doing this."

I would.

Working half your life for 3 years is a massive commitment for anyone, woman or man, parent or not.

It's only worth doing if the rewards are amazing and you are not doing it to the detriment of other things that matter to you.

Private school just for primary doesn't seem worth it to me. Other things might.

izzyishappilybusy · 05/01/2013 18:52

SM that's not true - we don't like DH working ot either because of missing time with dcs - he could earn £10-£15k more on shifts but I'd prefer to be broke and him be home.

scottishmummy · 05/01/2013 18:54

I never considered I'd missed,I thought more of contribution and gains
dads are never judged so harshly,people not think dad bad when they work hard
I don't consider we've lst out by working,was always part of the plan

Fluffy1234 · 05/01/2013 18:55

Op have you thought about moving now to somewhere with good primary and state secondaries?

izzyishappilybusy · 05/01/2013 18:57

I have a second family - I spend a lot more time with dcs round 2 - I know I missed it - I so regret all those hours spent in work. DH same.

motherinferior · 05/01/2013 19:03

I am a huge supporter of women's right to work as much as they want, whether or not they have kids; but personally I don't like working 12 hours a day and I definitely don't think it's worth it just to pay for private ed. But then I don't like private ed for anyone.

chandellina · 05/01/2013 20:06

I'm out of the house about 11 hours a day, four days a week soon to be five days, and have two under five. I don't think that is unusual.

My pay doesn't cover our nanny so I'm paying to work but I don't really think twice about it because I enjoy my work and my children are well loved and happy.

We could afford private school either way but our local state is lovely.

DixieD · 05/01/2013 20:23

What...surely this is what at least one parent does in every home and nit just fir 3 years for the luxury of private education either?
DH is out of the house 12 hours a day. He leaves at ten to 8 and is home between half seven and eight. Kids up at 7ish, bed at about twenty past eight. Home all weekend. Just like OP then. Nobody ever judges him though. Wonder why that is? My three are 6 and under as well.
I work three days but am gone from before they wake until about half four/ five. So I only get the dinner, bath, bed time rush so not exactly quality time.
OP do what works for you. It's not that unusual the amount of time you spend away from your kids, really it isn't. People are assuming your a woman though and apparently we get held to different standards.

NaturalBaby · 05/01/2013 20:29

If you're happy with the nanny and the kids seem happy then it seems to be working well for everyone, so I'd carry on as you are - if you're really happy with the way things are?
Even though I'm a sahm and 'there' for them all day every day, I don't actually spend that much quality time with my dc's because I'm so busy doing other stuff. Dh spends more quality time with them and he works similar hours to you.

chandellina · 05/01/2013 20:42

Yeah, I should add my dh is also out of the house 11 or 12 hours a day. So he's there in the morning and I do bedtime. We both spend all weekend with the kids and I don't anyone feels deprived. One to two hours in the evening is enough for me.

Original poster
forgottenpassword · 05/01/2013 21:12

I am indeed a Mum, not a Dad. I do enjoy some aspects of my job but like many of us would probably prefer to work part time (not really possible in current job - those that have tried it always work on their day off but still get paid less). My thinking is that if it is only me that misses out and my dc benefit by me working like a nutter short term then its worth it. But not if it harms them.

OP posts: