...he's an utter CUNT and want to smash his face in?...
I have a rage towards him and have no idea how to release it!
Back story - Mother divorced him when I was 6 (I have 5 older siblings although only one is his child together with me) as he was an alcoholic and violent. I saw some terrible scenes that I had blocked out until I had hypnotherapy. As a child I did not understand that though, he was my dad who used to buy me sweets and cuddle me on his lap.
He apparently found it 'too hard' to stay in contact with us and he could not afford a solicitor or maintenance payments 
although he managed to remarry and bring up his new wife's 2 children. This I only found out about when I found the courage to meet him 4 years ago at the age of 37 as I'd always thought that my mother (witch that she is) had stopped him from seeing us.
I accepted that he had had issues but had 'grown up' now and decided that I wanted him to be a part of MY family (siblings want nothing to do with him) but apart from the odd email telling me about what he's doing (like a round robin you'd send to a friend ) he had made no effort to get to know me at all. He did not acknowledge my birthday, christmas or NY this year with a text or email nor the previous 2 years. When I tried to organise a day out this summer with my DH and DCs and his wife and adult step-DCs he was not really interested.
You know I adored him as a child. I was a bloody Daddy's girl and I know that him walking away created major distress for me all through my childhood which was ignored by my mother. It just was not talked about. I had to accept my stepfather, who she married within a year of divorcing my dad, as she was pregnant as 'daddy' and my real father was the 'one who must not be spoken of'. I was just like him apparently - evil.
I have realised recently that my anxiety and panic attacks surfaced at the same time that I first 'found him'. Well he found me on Friends Reunited but I wanted to be found iukwim. I wanted him to chase me and just insist on being part of my life but he does not actually give a shit. It's like being rejected all over again. I cannot imagine my DH being like that and he can't either.
I just want to punch his lights out as he has no idea how much I have been fucked up over my childhood and how am a nervous wreck as an adult because of it. I have had loads of counselling but I still can't seem to release this and move on. AIBU? Yes, I know the answer to that! Any tips for safely releasing 35 years of anger then?