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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to want to tell my FATHER that ....

24 replies

SickOfBeingSoScared · 04/01/2013 20:49

...he's an utter CUNT and want to smash his face in?...
I have a rage towards him and have no idea how to release it!

Back story - Mother divorced him when I was 6 (I have 5 older siblings although only one is his child together with me) as he was an alcoholic and violent. I saw some terrible scenes that I had blocked out until I had hypnotherapy. As a child I did not understand that though, he was my dad who used to buy me sweets and cuddle me on his lap.

He apparently found it 'too hard' to stay in contact with us and he could not afford a solicitor or maintenance payments Hmm although he managed to remarry and bring up his new wife's 2 children. This I only found out about when I found the courage to meet him 4 years ago at the age of 37 as I'd always thought that my mother (witch that she is) had stopped him from seeing us.

I accepted that he had had issues but had 'grown up' now and decided that I wanted him to be a part of MY family (siblings want nothing to do with him) but apart from the odd email telling me about what he's doing (like a round robin you'd send to a friend Hmm) he had made no effort to get to know me at all. He did not acknowledge my birthday, christmas or NY this year with a text or email nor the previous 2 years. When I tried to organise a day out this summer with my DH and DCs and his wife and adult step-DCs he was not really interested.

You know I adored him as a child. I was a bloody Daddy's girl and I know that him walking away created major distress for me all through my childhood which was ignored by my mother. It just was not talked about. I had to accept my stepfather, who she married within a year of divorcing my dad, as she was pregnant as 'daddy' and my real father was the 'one who must not be spoken of'. I was just like him apparently - evil.

I have realised recently that my anxiety and panic attacks surfaced at the same time that I first 'found him'. Well he found me on Friends Reunited but I wanted to be found iukwim. I wanted him to chase me and just insist on being part of my life but he does not actually give a shit. It's like being rejected all over again. I cannot imagine my DH being like that and he can't either.

I just want to punch his lights out as he has no idea how much I have been fucked up over my childhood and how am a nervous wreck as an adult because of it. I have had loads of counselling but I still can't seem to release this and move on. AIBU? Yes, I know the answer to that! Any tips for safely releasing 35 years of anger then?

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 04/01/2013 20:58

How do you feel about your Mum? Do you blame her at all? It does sound like it was tough for you (very similar upbringing here), but stop blaming him and be the grown up you said you are, move on but don't allow memories to ruin your future.

Shakey1500 · 04/01/2013 20:58

You have every right to be angry of course. But if it's such a high level of anger that affects other areas of your life then you have to let it go. Decide to let it go. Give yourself permission to let it go. Because where is it getting you? You can let it go by simply choosing to. It's incredibly difficult but really liberating.

For years I had immense anger towards my Mother for very valid reasons and it was fucking me up. Eventually I was getting so tied up in knots and letting in affect me badly that I decided (after hearing a similar story) to forgive her. Not for her sake. But for mine and my sanity. Never actually told her I'd forgiven her but, psychologically, it freed me and felt bloody great.

You could always write a big ranty letter then burn it. I've heard that can help as well?

Santasapunkatheart · 04/01/2013 20:59

Your post may be a similar one written by my daughter in the future. No violence but desertion. She was daddy's girl too.

But you have moved on. You are an adult and you must live your life as best you can. Have you done counselling?

You have anger against both your parents and left untreated, it will become awfully toxic.

Some men....well, just that really.

You have found a good life, a good DH and remember - the best revenge is

TO LIVE WELL.

Don't forget that.

mystiquesonya · 04/01/2013 21:00

I don't think yabu but I think that you need to try and let go of the anger. I know that,s easier said than done but you need to focus on what you have now, your dh, dcs and your future and don't allow what he or your mother has done make you an angry, frightened person. They aren't worth it. I wouldn't have any contact with my dad if he treated me like this.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 04/01/2013 21:02

No, no tips. Some people are just toxic and you have to try to draw a line under things and move on. Stop expecting anything from this man, he obviously isn't prepared to make you a part of his life. The fantasy you had of him being a good dad when you were little probably was just a fantasy unfortunately. He let you down, don't let him do it to you again.

How do you feel about your mum these days?

InNeedOfBrandy · 04/01/2013 21:03

Have you told him how you feel? Maybe a letter getting all your anger out (whether you send it or not) would help?

Cabrinha · 04/01/2013 21:05

Well, smashing his face in is not OK, of course. But you know you're allowed to call him an utter cunt and then just walk away?
I'm sorry you're going through this.

HollyBerryBush · 04/01/2013 21:06

Perhaps he's wise enough to tread warily and not just "arrive" like a doting father and grandfather. re-establishing relationships takes time and effort and patience. Do you think he's also frightened of rejection?

Picking bits out - your mother found a new partner very quickly - your Df found it hard to stay in touch .... I doubt she made it easy, and with a new bloke on the scene.

Always two sides to every story - then there is the middle ground which is the truth.

Do you know why they split? That may hold the answer.

Uppermid · 04/01/2013 21:09

I can undetstand how you feel only too well.

I have a similar thing with my dad, I have deceided to let go. I can't change who he is but I can change my reaction to him (sorry that sounds so cheesy!)

I still get upset every now and then and have similar feelings to you but I know that he is the one missing out on a relationship with me and my family and quite frankly, we're all fucking fantastic and he doesn't deserve us!

I hope you find a way to deal with it, not easy I know.

hermioneweasley · 04/01/2013 21:10

I don't blame you for being angry, but at some point you may find that the anger is only hurting you.

LilyVonSchtupp · 04/01/2013 21:15

I have similarish ish experience. I was and maybe still am angry but I find not having my father in my life at all except the periphery is much healthier.

You might also be angry because your fantasy has been exposed - while you weren't in touch you could treasure the image of a long lost hard-done-by hero. Now that has been destroyed. I agree that counselling might help.

Holly - try reading the OP.

Original poster
SickOfBeingSoScared · 04/01/2013 21:31

Thanks for the replies. Sorry to hear of similar situations Sad.

My mother is also 'toxic'. I was the scapegoat of the family and still am. Seems everyone else is blind to the dysfunctionality but I am the only one suffering for it Sad and we were taken to stately homes, museums and art galleries!

I have told my mother she is toxic and confronted her about lots of distressing things in my childhood (after the divorce) which she agreed with but she maintains that I was 'difficult' Hmm. I have majorly distanced myself from her since she started calling my glasses wearing DS 'ugly'. I also wore glasses and was also 'ugly' Angry. Wear contacts now though and I am actually pretty good looking - counselling has worked to a degree Grin.

Yes, when I was a teenager and I was being physically and verbally abused, I did use to have a fantasy that my dad would be my 'hero' and would take me away from it all and it was a complete fantasy as he obviously did not give a flying fuck.

The thing that gets me is that I spend most of my day in a state of abject terror about what I know not. I can imagine it was the same terror I felt as a 3 year old seeing my father smash my mother's head against the kitchen sink repeatedly. It's like my brain has dredged up this fear and it is playing on continuous loop in my brain and I can't seem to change the bloody record!

So yes, my mother was shit and my father was shit and I am pretty angry about it.

OP posts:
MNHQ
OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet · 04/01/2013 21:32

HELLO
Thanks all for the reports
We have amended your thread title and added the text to the start of your op.
While we dont have a problem with the C word, in thread titles it's not terribly inviting.
So sorry to read about your anger with your DF, OP, do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread out of AIBU to relationships, which is perhaps a better place for it, wont you?

InNeedOfBrandy · 04/01/2013 21:34

Sad I feel so sad for you OP, please don't take that patronisingly. I really really get where your coming from. Have you done any CBT to make yourself happy?

CAn I please send you a box of chocolates you sound like you need hugs sympathy wine and chocolate. Please PM me and I'll post some tomorrow.

Original poster
SickOfBeingSoScared · 04/01/2013 21:37

Olivia - just pull it please. MN obviously not the place for this if all people have got to complain about is the use of the word CUNT which I have seen in many thread titles and NNs Hmm.

Pull the thread please.

OP posts:
GentlyGentlyOhDear · 04/01/2013 21:53

What a shitty time you had and YANBU to be so hurt and angry. Some people should not be parents.
And he does sound like a CUNT.

HollyBerryBush · 04/01/2013 22:20

OP - anger is good if you can get it out and direct it appropriately. if you let it build up and consume you - then it's like a fire, you will burn up and ultimately fade away.

Shit happens in life, and I'm not dismissing your life at all - but you need to take events, compartmentalise them and say 'yup, this bit of shit made me stronger and thats why I am the woman I am today and I will get past this'.

Dwelling on the past is never good. You cant change it - you might be able to understand it eventually. Rationalising the past can be healing. Your parents obviously had a violent relationship - the cause of that is unknown - the violence continued after your father left and your mother clearly found another destructive soul mate.

What you need to take from the councelling you have is steps to ensure you do not repeat the pattern.

For you own clarity you need to take a big step away from all these dmaging people and think exactly what you want from them. Because at the moment the parent/child relationship you have is not giving you the unconditional love that should freely flow both ways.

I'll ask again, and you may not know why, but I think it may hold the key to all of this ..... why did you parents split up ? From what you have posted I could make a wildly assumptive scenario that may be way off the mark, or it might be spot on

MNHQ
OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet · 04/01/2013 23:40

@SickOfBeingSoScared

Olivia - just pull it please. MN obviously not the place for this if all people have got to complain about is the use of the word CUNT which I have seen in many thread titles and NNs Hmm.

Pull the thread please.

MN absolutely is the place for this if you want it to be - but as we said, perhaps relationships may be a better place for this thread.
Sorry this has annoyed you further - absolutely WASN"T our intention.
Really hope that you can find some support on MN/RL to deal with the utter cunt/fuckwit/bastard
All best to you
MNHQ

peaceandlovebunny · 05/01/2013 00:27

counselling!

MammaTJ · 05/01/2013 03:12

Oh dear SickOfBeingSoScared. that is awful. Some men just manage to rpuduce sperm without having the ability to be a father.

ImKateandsoismywife · 05/01/2013 10:11

So sorry that you are having to deal with this, your father is a cunt, as is mine so I do understand how you feel. It is a horrible feeling to know that you are so insignificant to someone who has had such a terrible impact on your life and who should love you unconditionally Sad

From my experience confronting him will not achieve anything. He will not acknowledge his wrongdoings or suddenly become the doting father you wish for. It is his loss and knowing this will be your first step to freedom from the hold he has over you. Let go and look to the future, as a previous poster said living well is the best revenge.

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/01/2013 12:07

Mine was the same OP. Counselling helps as did him dying....
Completely understand the rage.

ImKateandsoismywife · 05/01/2013 12:18

Mine walked past me in the street once when I had my newborn in the pram, his first gc. Completely blanked us, cunt.

ImKateandsoismywife · 05/01/2013 19:55

How are you today op? I hope you're feeling a bit better now Thanks

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