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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel very down (wedding related)

47 replies

shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 15:20

I am getting married and have chosen 4 bridemaids and one m.o.h an old mate.lets call her Katy.

The m.o.h managed to really upset one of my mates lets call her Pam due to Katy seeing her ex, and had a huge fall out are not on speaking terms and it has been nearly a year, won't socialise if she is there etc was talking to her and said basically she hates her, probs will find it hard to help plan things with her and doesn't feel like coming on the day because it will be awkward.

and now it turns out Katy has upset my other maid Sue, sue over some money and now sue says she hates Katy and doesn't want anything to do with her but will put it to one side for the sake of the wedding *[pheeww] so 2 people who are not speaking to my m.o.h.

I really don't wanna go down the bridezilla route of 'but what about the wedding' but I don want to bang their heads to together (well not so much sue) and just stop pissing them off, speak to each other. I would have expected in Katy's position to want to clear the air a bit more, and I'm a bit hurt at what Pam said too tbh.
I Just want it all to blow over and have kept out of it, but I'm getting worried that tbh pam will just drop out and other people will argue.
I need a good shake at how to deal with this crap?

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 04/01/2013 15:30

You need less drama/teen-aged friends for a start. Failing that, call Katy, Pam and Sue and tell them that you expect them to behave as adults for your wedding and deal with each other. No drama, no point scoring, they can behave politely and respectfully without liking each other. If they can't do that, they have decided not to be part of the wedding.

Gumby · 04/01/2013 15:33

Dont have any of them
Have you got some cute nieces you could have as flower girls or friends children?

Paiviaso · 04/01/2013 15:34

It sounds like Katy was a mistake for MOH, since she seems to have trouble getting along with people. Did you pick her before the drama began?

Options are:

  1. Let them get on with it. If one or more chose to be silly and not come to the wedding because of problems with Katy, their choice.
  2. Ask Katy to try and smooth things over with the other girls. Ask other girls to put up with Katy for the sake of your wedding.
  3. Fire Katy from MOH for the sake of peace.
natwebb79 · 04/01/2013 15:38

So sorry to hear you're having these issues. Can't help I'm afraid as we've decided on us and two witnesses in the registry office before buggering off for two nights in a boutique hotel. Pretty much for the kind of reasons you've mentioned in your post! Smile

ChaoticintheNewYear · 04/01/2013 15:43

I agree with MrsTerrys. You need to get them together, well Katy and Pam, Sue seems to at least be prepared to make the effort for you, and make it clear they're either civil to each other on the times they need to be together, ie, wedding/hen night/any dress fittings, or they resign from being bridesmaid/moh.

filibear · 04/01/2013 15:48

This reply has been deleted

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EuroShagmore · 04/01/2013 15:56

Verbally bang heads together or sack them.

yfuwchhapus · 04/01/2013 15:57

How old are they??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/01/2013 16:04

Who needs this, I don't think it's being bridezilla not to want to inadvertantly host a bitchfest.

I suggest you give them all a good talking to separately, ask them if they can't put aside their differences for your wedding then can they tell you now and call it a day and drop out.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 16:49

Wow, I bet you can't wait for your hen do, op!

I agree with the previous poster who said get some cute kids in as flower girls.

How long will it be before MOH pees you off too I wonder, she sounds like quite a handful. I don't think I would want her at my right hand side.

SantasENormaSnob · 04/01/2013 16:54

Is Katy a bit of a cunt?

Any room on the hen do? Bet it's a ball Grin

3smellysocks · 04/01/2013 16:58

What a mare! Can you get them all to your house for a pre-wedding run through and coffee/cake. Beforehand text and explain that you are really stressed by everything and just want to have a lovely day and can they try and put things behind them please

OTheYuleManatee · 04/01/2013 17:40

Sack Katy. She sounds like a nightmare. And possibly sack the others as well, and get some cute girls like others suggested. Not bridezilla at all to expect your friends to act like adults.

And if you decide to keep them all video the hen do for us please.

OTheYuleManatee · 04/01/2013 17:45

Hang on a minute though, are you saying Katy shagged Pam's ex a year ago and they are still refusing to speak to one another? And yet you asked them to be MoH and BMs and didn't discuss this with them when you asked them?

If they are insisting on being this childish, I reckon the only thing to do is bite the bullet and be direct. Say to them individually, face to face, 'I know you are still upset about [the childish thing they are upset about] but I really need you to be able to bury the hatchet and work together for my wedding. Are you willing to do that?' If they refuse or dodge the question, then you have your answer: they will use your wedding as a vehicle for drama and you would be wise to sack them now.

Don't tiptoe around it. Nip this in the bud or your wedding will become an epic bitch-fight and you will go mad with stress.

simplesusan · 04/01/2013 17:52

Did you ask them all to be bridesmaids before Katy slept with Pam's ex?
If you asked them afterwards then you have to take some of the responsibility.
Did Pam know about Katy when she agreed to be bridesmaid or has she since found out?
Are they all normally friends?

Original poster
shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:36

Thanks for replies
Sorry I should have cleared things ups theres was no shagging I have been told , I do believe them actually just sort of hanging out and a bit of kissing , not sure if that makes it any better though Confused

Yes I asked them before. I got engaged a few months before and picked them pretty fast.
argh my head! all your posts are bang on the money. I feel torn loyalties.
I'm peed off at katy and I am aware she has *ahem flaws but she is actually my most reliable and closest friend which is why I chose her.
I'm a sahm so I became so v. young I have become a bit isolated so I suppose I tolerate more shit than I should because my circle has shrunk a bit.
I have a niece and my kids flowergirls/pageboys.
Argh I feel so torn I think sue out of everyone is behaving the most adult,
pam perhaps I would say the least so although in katys position I would myself have taken the initiative to say 'look I'm sorry etc' even an apologetic inbox msg on facebook if needs be. sigh
I'm inviting a few people to my hen do,

OP posts:
Original poster
shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:38

As for having a word, I'm very anxious and shit with words

How should I word it/what would I say?

OP posts:
TheBOF · 04/01/2013 20:39

I'd sack the lot of them. What do you need four adult bridesmaids for?

Hassled · 04/01/2013 20:44

4 adult bridesmaids and then some flowergirls/pageboys is all a bit faux-Royal Wedding to me. Tell everyone you're downscaling due to costs and stick with the little kids.

Cabrinha · 04/01/2013 20:46

4 BM's and a MOH? Really?
I actually can't work out whether Katy snogged Pam's ex whilst he was still with Pam? If so, added to stealing money from Sue, I'd cut Katy loose for good anyway - not just the wedding.

Original poster
shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:47

Is it? i'm actually having 5 hides I was going to have 8 but I had to downscale.nearly had 10
which would have been 1 m.o.h , 9 bm's 1 flowergirl and 2 pageboys.

I would just have my sister but shes severely mentally disabled and wouldn't be able to be a maid of honour.

OP posts:
Original poster
shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:48

How come a lot of adult bridesmaids is a bad thing?

OP posts:
emsyj · 04/01/2013 20:49

Blimey, this is what you would expect at school, not in the grown-up world. I was bridesmaid to a very long-held close friend earlier this year, along with a not very nice woman for whom I have no time. And do you know what? We were both nice as pie to each other, pleasant, friendly, pretended we liked each other for the duration of the planning, hen celebrations and wedding - and now we will hopefully never cross paths again.

If they can't put things aside for the sake of your wedding celebrations, they are not very grown up. I would send an open email to all of them along the lines of, 'I would love you all to help me plan and celebrate my wedding, but if anyone is unable to put aside their personal differences for the sake of me having a nice time at my hen party and wedding, I will completely understand their choice not to be a bridesmaid - just let me know'. Then let them all squirm a bit.

You shouldn't be getting involved with their squabbles - if one of them starts bitching to you about another, you can simply smile and say, 'X is a good friend of mine so I would rather you spoke to her directly if you have a problem with her - it's not nice for me to be in the middle'.

CheCazzo · 04/01/2013 20:49

Are you all 14?

Anyway - I'd pay good money to go on that hen night - there's bound to be brawling in the gutter, tears in the bogs and someone being announced dead between two venues on the pub crawl! Let us know how it goes.

Binkybix · 04/01/2013 20:50

So people are annoyed because Katie snogged Pam's ex? Seems a little extreme unless Pam and Katie are close friends (doesn't sound like they were).