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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel very down (wedding related)

47 replies

shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 15:20

I am getting married and have chosen 4 bridemaids and one m.o.h an old mate.lets call her Katy.

The m.o.h managed to really upset one of my mates lets call her Pam due to Katy seeing her ex, and had a huge fall out are not on speaking terms and it has been nearly a year, won't socialise if she is there etc was talking to her and said basically she hates her, probs will find it hard to help plan things with her and doesn't feel like coming on the day because it will be awkward.

and now it turns out Katy has upset my other maid Sue, sue over some money and now sue says she hates Katy and doesn't want anything to do with her but will put it to one side for the sake of the wedding *[pheeww] so 2 people who are not speaking to my m.o.h.

I really don't wanna go down the bridezilla route of 'but what about the wedding' but I don want to bang their heads to together (well not so much sue) and just stop pissing them off, speak to each other. I would have expected in Katy's position to want to clear the air a bit more, and I'm a bit hurt at what Pam said too tbh.
I Just want it all to blow over and have kept out of it, but I'm getting worried that tbh pam will just drop out and other people will argue.
I need a good shake at how to deal with this crap?

OP posts:

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:50

No sue owes katy a lot of money, no they were split up.

missed a lot of ins and outs not trying to out myself , which I probably have *pfft

OP posts:

TheBOF · 04/01/2013 21:06

A lot of adult bridesmaids just looks tacky and pointless. In my opinion. Like a fairy coach etc. Surely you can think of better things to spunk your money on?

KobayashiMaru · 04/01/2013 21:10

it's all very juvenile.

PS. you know it's eSpresso, right?

greenplastictrees · 04/01/2013 21:14

Post hijack. I'm having four adult bridesmaids and am feeling awful about upsetting a friend who I haven't asked to be one but that would be five! Hoping that the four won't look 'tacky' Guessing I need to stop wavering about the fifth though!

Op, as others have said tell them all to just get on with it and if they don't feel they are able to do that and risk ruining your day then they need to step down. it's your wedding - if people can't out grudges aside for a day and get on for a friend/family then they should have the grace to step aside.

TheBOF · 04/01/2013 21:18

At least yours aren't at each other's throats though, greenplastictrees. That automatically makes it a classier affair.

greenplastictrees · 04/01/2013 21:21

Phew! That makes me feel better. I think they do get on that helps. Still...I was concerned that 4 was to many but reassured myself. Maybe it is though. Or maybe I'm over thinking!

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 23:57

Why are bridesmaids tacky? genuine question.

its all a bit #fuckoffhyacinth for me, I'm having 5 , like I said I would have chosen my sister but on her own couldn't have been a m.o.h so I substituted with friends or so I thought, I grew up hundreds of miles from family, not everyone's fortunate enough to like just have a sister or something.

I think I will have to go with a blanket email idea, can't get them all in the same room sigh.

OP posts:

Casmama · 05/01/2013 00:08

I would email pam and Katy and say that you feel uncomfortable with the tension between them and would like them to discuss and agree that they can be pleasant on the day and at any wedding related activities beforehand.
If they can't agree to this then you would like them to decide who won't take part.
I would do the same for sue and Katy.

OTheYuleManatee · 05/01/2013 00:14

OP, I lost lots of sleep before my wedding worrying about whether my stepmother would behave as she has form. In the end I just asked her point blank, in front of my dad, and got a promise of calm and dignity. I slept a lot easier after that.

How you phrase it is up to you but I really advise taking the warring BMs out for lunch, either separately or both together (take your H2B as backup if you can) and be as direct as you can about asking them to set their differences aside for a bit.

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 05/01/2013 00:21

that's good manatee I hope my chat will work with them it needs to be done. I'm glad your step mum didn't ruin it, I mean the bridesmaid stuff is just the tip,

my parents are very un-amicably divorced so that will be fun...all day.

OP posts:

OTheYuleManatee · 05/01/2013 00:38

Talk to them. Get them to promise to ignore each other, if they can't be polite. It's easily done. My parents managed. Grownups control their feelings all the time - but you need to tackle this as one adult to another with them.

Thinking of yourself as the little girl who still has to keep the peace might be the habitual position but at your own wedding it just creates potential misunderstandings and leaves room for others to act like twats. Best to prevail on their good manners and close the twat option off as far as possible.

simplesusan · 05/01/2013 12:12

There's nothing wrong in having 4 or 5 bridesmaids.
Arrange a lunch out (seperately if you feel better) and tell them your concerns.
I think Pam should grow up a bit, so what her ex flirted with another woman. Tell her it's all in the past now and to accept it if she wants to be bridesmaid. Tell Katy too that you hope you can rely on her as she is your moh and all.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 12:21

Yes, there probably isn't. It isn't something I'd do myself, as it does seem like a big production and Royal Wedding-ish as mentioned earlier, and that's not the kind of wedding I'd plan for myself. But I was absolutely knackered yesterday, and a bit grumpy with it, and it came out snippier-sounding than I would have liked. I'm sorry if I've made anyone feel upset: your wedding, your business.

FryOneFatManic · 05/01/2013 12:22

Do the same with your parents. Ask them both to at least be civil to each other for the day.

GilmoursPillow · 05/01/2013 15:46

Cancel the wedding and elope.

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 08/01/2013 12:11

Its ok BOF, I thought 4/5 was an average number anyhoo,

Haha Glamour, believe me I'm considering it.

There have been *ahem developments.

I spoke 'Sue' recently and told me about what happened between them too about the money issue, It turns out she was receiving weekly messages telling her she needed the money by the end of the week , knowing sue didn't have it being quite snotty. And a her and a relative visited her house ans was quite unpleasant to her to. When I spoke to katy about this before she made a point of saying that she hadn't been rude. FFS just drama , drama.

I'm a bit sad actually, turns out the person I knew has changed somewhat into a rather unpleasant person.

OP posts:

AlienananaReflux · 08/01/2013 12:18

Right, Sit them down and give it to them straight, Katy sounds like a cock anyway, you could easily lose some bridesmaids, so if they are going to keep on with this crazyness, they won't be bridesmaids, see what they say, if they are twats they will argue, if not, they will see your very fair POV and sort it out for one day.

Yakshemash · 08/01/2013 12:18

Another vote for massively downscaling. Seriously, OP - this is what Registry Offices are for. You, your hubby, your kid(s) and two witnesses. Job done.

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 08/01/2013 12:32

I'm going to have to have to have a chat, tbh I'm going to go with email just because I need to be collected in what I saw , face to face would be too raw and I would get upset.

I'll probably have to speak to Katy first, the thing Pam said about not wanting to come is bugging me, if she did say she didn't want to come at all I would actually never forgive her. Why do people become arseholes about weddings?

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 08/01/2013 12:38

Seriously, sack all the adults and just have the little ones. You do not need all these women milling about in order to get married. It doesn't sound as though any of the 3 you mention will be able to bury hatchets or act with dignity for the sake of your wedding. Tell them all you need to save some £.

MuddlingMackem · 08/01/2013 14:26

I reckon you should sack all but one of the adults so that you can have your sister after all. Just pick whichever of the women would be best suited to keeping your sister right during the event.

Original poster

shotofexpresso · 08/01/2013 15:15

I hope it doesn't come to that but if they don't man up I will have too

tbf Sue said she would put things aside for the wedding, its not just that though socialising is going to be wierd and as much as Katy has undoubtedly behaved badly in some ways I feel bad for her, and maybe like its a bit of a witchhunt?.

OP posts:

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