to ask you to talk to me about people who DON'T have children

[Officedepot]

I am 30 and not sure whether I want kids, mainly for the following reasons:

• I am not actually that sure I like kids that much. As in when I see kids out and about in shops or on trains etc my normal reaction is to be annoyed by them, ie. if they are making a noise, running around getting in the way. Although I know other people who say they felt like this about other people's kids but love their own.

• In my 20s I lacked the confidence to travel, pursue hobbies etc but now I have developed a bit more confidence and have a really fulfilling life and loads of hobbies, mainly adventure sports. I also travel a lot to weird and wonderful places. I think if you are the kind of person whose hobbies extend to shopping and going for coffee and you only holiday in mainstream places then you would be fine having kids but my hobbies / travels are not really stuff that could work around younger kids.

• I worry babies might bore me and teenagers would be too stressful.

• I am lucky that I have a good career and get paid well so I am used to having the money to do pretty much what I want (within reason!). Not sure I want to live the rest of my life on a budget (sorry if that sounds selfish!).

• I actually rather like spending time with DP. Just the two of us

• I have also battled with some mental health issues and have anxiety and worry A LOT about various things so not sure how I would cope with kids. I am also someone who NEEDS 8 hours' sleep per night or I really struggle to function / cope.

DP feels the same, although we both acknowledge that we might want kids in a few years' time.

However it does concern me what life would be like without kids, especially when I am older (like my parents' age). I do like the idea of having adult kids I have to say.

Please talk to me about the lives of people (either yourself or someone you know) who does not have kids.

Also just want to say it's pretty easy to fit in one child with exotic holidays and sports. We took our son to South Africa, Thailand, Mexico, Colorado and East coast USA before he was 3 so we could kite surf, ski, etc.

I agree that one child makes less difference to life than you'd imagine.

I think that a lot of people have an opinion on childless people because they themselves were childless once. You can make fair comment when you have experienced both. Not to say a childless by choice person hasn't got valid reasons but the concept of having a child is different from the reality.

Personally I think some people have a weird perception of having children. It's a bit like those adverts for Lil lets showing what you can do if youuwear one. Truth is women have had periods and done what they wanted regardless of Lil lets. You can have children and have a career, travel and have money - plenty of people do.

There are so many reasons not to have children, I don't think you should bother unless you ache for them.

My childless friend has settled for one child in the end and it seems to suit. not wanting another.

I know people who have regretted their choice to have children (not regretting their children, it's subtly different) but saying that if they'd made their choices again they would have remained child free so they do exist. One in particular said that the only reason she had them was because of the chorus of voices telling her she'd regret it if she didn't. So I wouldn't be too swayed by what other people say and go with your gut instinct. Like others have said, there is time to change your mind.

I can relate to some of your other points too. Whilst I know it's perfectly possible to have kids and travel, go skiing etc. realistically I also know that for us as a couple that would have to be massively curtailed because of our own personal circumstances.

At the moment I can't envisage choosing to have children. I do actually like children though, and one of my worries is of being excluded from friendships because of the lack of children and people assuming that my childfree status is because of a hatred of children. I'm quite happy to go camping in a wet field in Wales with somebody elses sproglets

As an aside, I find it really bizarre when people say they hate children but not their own, seems almost narcissistic

I never knew if I would have kids either as I worked with badly behaved teenagers and was really put off. Having kids though opened up a depth of love and feelings I never knew I had. I never expected it to be amazing but it is. It's not a smooth ride though.

Having one child is very portable and slots in well.

I think if you are the kind of person whose hobbies extend to shopping and going for coffee and you only holiday in mainstream places then you would be fine having kids but my hobbies / travels are not really stuff that could work around younger kids

This ^^ makes you sound very immature, OP. You'll probably cringe a little at yourself when you read that back! Based on that, though, I'd say you've probably answered your own question! HTH.

DH and i are in the same position - apart from the MH issues i could have written your OP...

So please don't feel sorry for me for not having somethign i don't want!!

i'm 37 now and still feel the same way...the idea of living with a child really does not appeal to us at all. All our friends have kids and, much as i hate to admit it, every time we leave from seeing them for a few hours we breathe a big sigh of relief.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. It's far better to regret NOT having a child than regret HAVING one....

So OP, you can tell that you wouldn't be the perfect mother. This is good news - becaue no mother is perfect and I think a lot more damage and distress is caused by the ones who think they are good at it than the ones who know they aren't.

You will indeed feel differently about your own child than other peoples and will love him/her to bits. Which is not to say that you might not sometimes get a bit bored of the tedium of childcare.

There are zero rules to say that your life must be restricted to cafes and shopping once you have a sproglet. I think a kid with an outward-bound mum would have a brilliant childhood. I have a friend who back-packed around the world while her child was portable enough to go in a sling. I've seen buggies that are designed to be convertable for skiing and ice skating for heavens sake. Don't be restricted by other people's limited horizons.

"if you think you don't want children, don't have your own. leave it a while and adopt some older children."

if you think you don't want children, don't have your own. leave it a while and adopt some older children
the op wants adult children. best get them nearly done.

Spoons that's a really good point. I have friends who've been married ages and have always been very clear they won't have DCs - I tend to assume they won't want to do things with our DCs either but that's probably unfair. Thanks for the prompt - though to OP's question, it is hard to meet up with them as they have oodles of spare time and money so tend to go for lots of weekends away, travelling to see friends or sports etc.

I never had the urge to have children, it was quite a pragmatic decision for me ie i want to have kids sometime, now is a good time wirh work etc. but i was pretty neutral either way until late 20s. though once I had the first I had the urge nearly straight away for the second!

My DW and I (I am male) are childfree. Although I like children, and work with them, I have decided not to have any, for many reasons which would need a whole other thread! My DW really dislikes children, and I very much doubt she will change her mind, she has even talked about sterilisation. My DW and I love our cats instead, and adult company.

One of my reasons for not wanting children is that although I had no serious problems, I found it quite hard to be a child, I didn't enjoy the process of growing up, I longed to be already grown up and independent, couldn't wait to leave home, and now that I am, I am quite content. Silly as it may sound, I feel that I would not want to inflict "being a child" on someone who has yet to be born.

Sometimes I wonder if we might get bored of the status quo, but I am sure we will find ways to keep our happiness going without children, as did my aunts and uncle.

An interesting statistic in my family is that many of the eldest siblings are childfree: both my DW and myself are eldests. Neither of my parents' older siblings have children, and are very happy at that. Is it a family trait that we didn't much like having younger siblings, so we don't want what might feel like more of the same?

DH and I are the only ones in our circle married with multiple kids. No one else has kids other than one pair with a very young baby and one who is much older and is a step-parent to an adult child.

We talk about films, video games, books, writing, role playing, painting, politics, social equality, food, health, and banalities of daily life like doctor's appointments, transportation, shopping.

One can travel and have active hobbies with kids, my DH's aunt had a very active travelling life style with her husband and six kids, it's about a family's priorities. I have less active hobbies and desires and DH and I build our lives around that but that's not to do with being parents as we were like that beforehand. Individuals and all that.

don't have kids because you might fancy someone to hang out when you are old. They will have their own lives and won't necessarily want to spend too much time with you. especially if they feel you were not interested in them during the first 20 years. People with out kids do get to go on holidays and spend money and Wear unstained clothes. so there are many good points

You don't need children to complete your life or feel like a real woman or any of that daily mail bollocks

A lot of my female friends have chosen not to have children and their lives are great and they play aunties to their friends with children but its also about respecting a couples right to make a choice that suits them and real friends and family will always support the choices that you make which are right for you.

I'd try not to look at other people for comparisons do what you feel is right for you as a woman and a couple. Theres no rush you are still young enough to change your mind.

Good Luck

OP, I don't have children, childfree by choice. Now 37 and no sign of any sort of biological clock, in fact I become surer of my choice each year.
As someone else said, it's a decision you need to make with your heart not your head.
Oh and despite being child-free I'm a boring bastard who lives in suburbia with no sexy or exciting hobbies :)

"if you think you don't want children, don't have your own. leave it a while and adopt some older children
the op wants adult children. best get them nearly done."

Adopting an older child is hardly the solution

I could have written that post except that i am younger than you and i did camp america in my early 20s and found that actually although other peoples kids irritate the shit out of me,actually when i get to know then i do actually quite like kids.

Thank god i have another 10-15 years to decide !

I mean really i could have written it, right down to the MH issues and the needing a lot of sleep and the travelling.

I was like you, and sometimes I hanker after those carefree days. Our decision to have children was more along the lines of not being convinced that I wanted to be child free so we decided to just see what happened....after a year of nothing happening, I realised, I wanted a baby so we tried properly and now at 44, I have two.

I am the exception among a lot of my own group, unusually. I have some single friends who travel a lot and have a great social life and beautiful houses who seem very happy overall. Also, there are a couple who envy what we have and say they explicitly over compensate for this through travel and working hard at their careers. Everybody is different, just do what is right for you now, you have plenty of time yet.

I would say though that if you are determined that children will not change you, then they won't. My cousin is an avid walker round the alps etc and he just straps then on and carries on!

You do get used to having less sleep (I haven't slept in past 9 for years and couldn't do it now- most days I'm up at 6am), less time with your partner, less free time.

I was someone who didn't particularly want kids, never felt broody, didn't feel maternal, wasn't bothered either way but didn't really think I had them.

I met someone in my mid thirties who wanted children and took myself off travelling for a bit and had a really good think about whether I should have them all not.

I was lucky in that I wasn't a party animal, didn't have a huge social life, no brilliant career (though I have a good education)to give up etc

Since having DC, I've become rather obsessed with parenting, reading about it, learning about it talking about it. I do find it terribly hard though.

I don't find babies boring- in fact I love babies. I find toddlers really hard work. I'm looking forward to having teenagers.

For me the best thing about having children is the playing and messing about.
The worst is the drudgery (endless washing, food, mess, poos) and the constant stress (sibling fighting, endless noise, tantrums, sleep problems, eating issues, logistics, whining, whinging, demands).

I do love my children but I also know I would have had a good but different life without them

You have a good 5 years before you really need to decide, OP, although I am 35 and still don't know. I actually love children and get on well with them - am much in demand among my friends with dcs as a baby and toddler whisperer - but I don't feel any urge to have my own. I don't think I have a biological clock! Currently I am thinking that it would be best not to have any - am single and self-employed so financially it would be very difficult, and I have little family support. All the fun bits of my life would have to go if I were to have a baby: things like travelling alone in dangerous places, my sporty hobby that currently takes up half my weekend, going out with friends 5 nights a week, reckless cougar sex with hot younger men and so on.

It's all very well to say that all this is nothing compared with the feeling of holding your pfb in your arms etc, but I think that would wear off pretty quickly and I would then be completely alone with a baby in my small flat, trying to get through the days with my life and probably my fanny in tatters and no chance of a long enough break to take a leisurely shower, let alone go out for dinner.