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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to do it one fucking night??

60 replies

Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 06:54

I am split from my partner with an 8 week old baby. We split when i was 7 months pregnant after plenty feckless behaviour from him whilst i was having quite a difficult pregnancy.
I have allowed him on several occasions to stay with me in the living room looking after the baby. He has no suitable living arrangements of his own.
Each time i have had to go to living room because he has slept through baby screaming or he has asked me to fo it whilst he retires back to bed.
Last night completely washed out with tiredness i looked forward to his help.
Firstly he invited people to my home whilst i was out. Making myself scarce to allow him bonding time with baby. I was a bit put out he hadnt ran this by me as a common courtesy. It wouldnt have been a problem. Then i taught him how to sterilise bottles for 3rd time and watched while he did it himself. I noticed just in time a massive blob of unlathered washing up liquid in one of the bottles. Obviously could have made baby very ill. Then i awake to baby plonked beside my bed in moses basket with no cover. Again he is snoring away on couch having done his duty. AIBU to be absolutely fucking raging????!

OP posts:
tiffinbaker · 04/01/2013 09:37

your baby's right to be looked after by a responsible adult who tkes caring responsibilities seriously is more important right now than the right for the child to have contact with their child. It's inappropriate to allow someone like this to be in sole care of a vulnerable baby.

tiffinbaker · 04/01/2013 09:38

(oops that second "child" was suposed to be "father" sorry

Original poster
Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 09:38

Oh and its his mums house that is unsuitable unfortunately.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2013 09:40

The showing his mates cute pics down the pub has nothing to do with loving your baby. It's just shorthand for 'hey, my sperm rocks!'. You say his accommodation is inadequate - in what way?

DoubleYew · 04/01/2013 09:41

The responsibility is on him to provide somewhere suitable to have his child. That is part of being a parent. You tried to let him come to your house and he spoiled it for himself.

Original poster
Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 09:42

All of this is as i thought. I am really not a doormat just misguided in my attempts to 'do the right thing'. Why did i procreate with this child??

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 09:44

Where - drugs, smoke, health hazard messiness and dirty.

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 04/01/2013 09:45

No of course this is not acceptable. Don't allow him to do overnights again as it's more trouble than it's worth. Supervised contact. Sadly his fecklessness hasn't gone away and doesn't seem like it will. No reason your baby should to have to suffer for it though.

grumblinalong · 04/01/2013 09:47

Don't underestimate the impact dealing with this has on you. I split from DS1's dad when I was 8 weeks pg because he was feckless. I kept trying to keep him involved and walked on eggshells when DS was born. He took advantage telling me he was taking a breastfed 2 week old ds to the pub in his work van-covered in plaster. I said no way. He kicked off. I gave in and got my mum to take us down so his friends could meet ds.

It all came to a head 6 months later when I met him in town so he could see Ds, he was obviously still drunk from night before and said he was taking DS to see his new gf, who he had pulled the night before! Something just snapped and I walked away with Ds, saw a solicitor and insisted on contact centre route until he could prove he was responsible. After having 2 more dc's with DH I look back and can see the whole situation was ridiculous.

OP you need to establish firm boundaries and make him prove that he can safely look after your DS. This is a lifelong relationship and you need to stick up for yourself so this doesn't set the scene for the way he treats you and your DS over the years.

YuleBritannia · 04/01/2013 09:48

How old is your XP? 17?

McNewPants2013 · 04/01/2013 09:51

He needs to get his act into gear.

leaving your home a mess when you already have the demands of a baby is very disrespectful. I would also say he needs parenting lessons and to grow up.

what i would do is supervised contact

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2013 09:51

Ah - so you can't even overcome his inadequacy by getting his parents to support him. I can see why you are making the effort to 'do the right thing'. But 'the right thing' you are trying to do is more 'the ideal thing', where all the circumstances are 'right'. This man-child is not 'right'. His parents are not 'right'. You need to adapt your understanding of 'the right thing' to become 'the right thing given the circumstances'. Doing the right thing by your baby is unlikely to involve the biological father much.

grumblinalong · 04/01/2013 09:53

OP I often look at ex and think 'What was I thinking?' I often feel guilty that DS has to put up with him too. Low self esteem is a pain!

phantomnamechanger · 04/01/2013 09:55

I agree that his showing off of the baby photos etc is not about him loving or being proud of the baby - it's JUST him saying "I'm a real man cos I can father a child"

How can you love, really love, that selfless lifechanging love, a baby - and yet be so slapdash about sterilising the bottles etc.

Too many babies have come to harm being left with their father or mums new BF even for a few hours, PLEASE do not ever leave him with the baby, unles by some miracle he has a total change of attitude.

Original poster
Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 09:57

I am so tempted to tell him to fk off. He can get a couple of supervised hours. Not stay overnnight. I am exhausted with fighting with him. I wish i could make him accept he is being unreasonable cos until then i am banging my head off a wall.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 04/01/2013 09:58

whereyouleftit at 9.51 is absolutely spot on.you need to stop aiming for the ideal whihc is never gonna happen, and make the best of a bad situation. The best for you and your baby. you owe him nothing.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2013 10:10

" I am exhausted with fighting with him."
Then stop fighting. Refuse to engage. Tell him that he can have supervised access only and that it is up to him to arrange it. You have enough on your plate with a new baby, you don't need this too. As has been said he is a hindrance, not a help. He is not your responsibility.

DontmindifIdo · 04/01/2013 10:15

you only need people in your life right now who make it easier. Sod it, you aren't in a relationship with this man, you owe him nothing, if he wants to make a relationship with his child, he's going to have to put some work in. Your job is your child, it's not yoru job to make him be a good dad.

SantasENormaSnob · 04/01/2013 10:19

I would push for supervised contact only. Possibly in a children's centre?

No more him dossing at yours.

He's taking you for a ride there.

Original poster
Shockedandhurt · 04/01/2013 10:58

Oh dear god i have just came back from a doctors appointment and he is SLEEPING IN MY BED

OP posts:
FlatFacedArmy · 04/01/2013 11:02

Time to change the locks!

Snazzynewyear · 04/01/2013 11:30

Argh! Definitely change the locks. He is literally treating your place like a hotel. I hope you've woken him up and sent him on his way!

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 04/01/2013 11:54

wtaf? stop putting up with this crap. get him out of your place and only meet in public places for contact. he is taking you for a ride and using your place as a doss house. tell him to either step up and be a dad or f*ck off and leave you both alone.

and sleeping in your bed... actually... entering your home without permission is not on. change the locks!

DoubleYew · 04/01/2013 12:02

You don't have to convince him of anything. Just do it. Believe in yourself, that you are acting in dc's best interest.

It is possible he will always be irresponsible. Don't waste you r energy trying to change him, get on with your life. Contact is good, taking the piss is not.

3smellysocks · 04/01/2013 12:22

I think you just tell him how it is. He will have x hours supervised on X number of days. No more sleeping over