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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re my 40th??

32 replies

substitutemycokeforgin · 03/01/2013 15:19

It's my 40th next month, gah. Shock

The weekend before it is a long weekend with the DC off school Thur, Fri and Mon, so I thought it would be nice to go away as a family for a lovely celebratory truffles-on-the-pillow weekend in a cottage - now booked. The following Friday after we come back is my actual birthday, and I'd tentatively planned to go out for a nice drunken meal with my 4 or 5 closest pals that evening. When I mentioned this to DP, though, he got really withdrawn, not sulky but just kind of sad, and when I questioned him he said he was really hurt that I'd decided to go out with friends instead of him, or him and DC, on my bday itself Sad

AIBU? I feel awful that I've made him feel bad but think he's being kind of unreasonable himself, no? (please?! Grin) Thing is, he doesn't really have good friends like I do, just acquaintances from school etc who he doesn't really see much.

I'd actually thought, before I even mentioned dinner with my mates to him, that he could take the afternoon off work on my bday and we could go for a lovely lunch together with DD2 (aged 2, the others will be at school), but he seems to think this is me backtracking a bit ...

Whaddya all think?

OP posts:
JeezyOrangePips · 03/01/2013 15:26

He is so not being unreasonable. I think it's quite lively that he's so keen to spend your birthday with you. Maybe he has something special planned.

Why don't you go put with your friends on the Saturday?

CloudsAndTrees · 03/01/2013 15:26

I think your plan sounds lovely, and your DH is being a bit selfish making about him and what he wants.

Does he actually believe you don't love him anymore because you want to celebrate your birthday with your friends as well as your family?

I'm normally quite sympathetic with DHs on here, but honestly, I think yours is being very silly.

As long as you cut a cake with him and your dc on your birthday, as as he didn't have anywhere already booked for that night, YANBU.

MaxPepsi · 03/01/2013 15:27

I don't know, as it's each to their own.

Personally? If I had to choose one or the other it would be DH first, friends on a different day.

I'd have been hurt if DH had chosen his mates over me.

WinkyWinkola · 03/01/2013 15:28

I don't really get why he's cheesed off but if he really is, then go out for dinner with him and then your pals on the Saturday instead.

MerylStrop · 03/01/2013 15:28

I bet he had something planned

Surely you wouldn't be married to someone who would be a petulant arse about what you might want to do on your landmark birthday. Though couldn't he come out too?

JeezyOrangePips · 03/01/2013 15:31

Wow, I didn't get 'petulant arse' from the op at all.

He's sad, disappointed. He's not throwing a hissy fit and making demands.

Surely everyone is allowed to get sad sometimes.

Jossysgiants · 03/01/2013 15:34

I agree with Meryl and think he may have had a plan Op.

KobayashiMaru · 03/01/2013 15:35

It's your birthday. Does he always make everything all about him?

BarredfromhavingStella · 03/01/2013 15:36

Bless him, don't think either or you is being unreasonable tbh though I would have discussed plans with DH prior to making them.

I'd spend actual birthday with DH then do friends day after.

MaxPepsi · 03/01/2013 15:37

I'm with you Jeezy, didn't read petulant arse either.

Subs - will your friends even be expecting to spend the night with you at the expense of your DP? My close friend was 40 last month, we arranged a meal - before her day as it happens - no way would we expect to see her on the day when she has kids and a DH.

But as I said before, everyone is different.

justmyview · 03/01/2013 15:58

I think YABU - on the actual day of your birthday, I'm not surprised he's upset you don't want to see him. Good idea to go out for dinner with your pals, but not on the actual day of your birthday, especially a significant one

Mockingcurl · 03/01/2013 16:01

I think your husband is being perfectly reasonable. I would be hurt if he'd done that to me tbh.

SantasENormaSnob · 03/01/2013 16:14

Yabu

I would've thought he'd something planned for your actual birthday day.

Could you go out with your pals the Saturday night instead?

mayorquimby · 03/01/2013 16:19

I wouldn't see much wrong with it, but from being on here I know that many would not think too kindly of a husband who decided that his birthday celebrations were going to be a solo even with just his mates and not his wife so I can see why others might think yabu.
Probably would have been better to do the friends thing on the sat and have a family birthday thing but it's not the end of the world if your husband is slightly disappointed for one night.

redexpat · 03/01/2013 16:32

I think this may depend on how DH likes to spend his birthday. People show affetion in the way they want to receive it, so if he loves having you around on his birthday, he will probably want to do the same for you.

Or as others have said, he was already planning something.

3smellysocks · 03/01/2013 17:15

My hubby would never sulk like that. As long as you do both celebrate your birthday at some point, whats the problem?

Original poster
substitutemycokeforgin · 03/01/2013 17:19

Oh God, I feel really awful now. I just thought that as we're going away for a long weekend, lots of meals out and quiet intimate (hopefully!) dinners in our cottage in the evenings, going back out again with DP for dinner just 4 nights after we come back would be overegging the pudding somewhat! And then potentially out with mates again the following night ... fecking expensive too! Shock. He's a lot bit of a homebody and I just didn't think he'd be that bothered about going out again ...

But I'm taking on board your views, thanks. I am 99.9% sure he's not got anything planned already - he's the guy that goes out at 10 to 6pm on Christmas Eve and buys all his Xmas gifts for everyone in the one shop (without much thought given to any of them, sadly Sad). So I'd be amazed if he'd got something sorted six weeks in advance! He was visibly relieved when I told him I was planning to book this cottage, as a kind of fait accompli - that was him off the hook for having to plan something, I thought!

Am thinking of changing friends' night out to the Sat then, I suppose ... got that horrible what-to-do dilemma tummy churning me up now ... Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
substitutemycokeforgin · 03/01/2013 17:20

PS Meryl - him coming out too, with my friends?! He'd faint at all the inappropriate willy conversation!! Grin

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 03/01/2013 17:23

I'd hate it if my DH did something with friends instead of me on a special day, whatever that day might be. It wouldn't actually bother my DH as he doesn't "get" birthdays etc in the same way I do. I think I'd broach it now as "I'd like to do something special on the actual day, I know we are going away for the weekend but can we afford to do something else as well?" or "I hadn't realised that the day itself was so important to you, I'd love to spend the evening with you and I'll go out with my friends another night". I went away to celebrate my own 40th in a Spa with the girls, but I did have the actual day at home with my family.

justmyview · 03/01/2013 17:25

I think it would be nice to change the friends' night out to Saturday. I'm sure he'd appreciate it

ChaoticintheNewYear · 03/01/2013 17:26

Change your plans with your friends to Saturday then tell your DH he has to arrange something for you on your actual birthday.

Original poster
substitutemycokeforgin · 03/01/2013 17:27

Thanks, Justforlaughs. I suppose I am/was slightly worried that if I did leave the planning of my actual birthday night to DP, he'd come home from work that day, faff around for a bit, look anxious, frantically phone his mum to see if she'd look after the DC at a moment's notice and then suggest we go round the corner to Pizza Hut or something ... I just don't feel I can trust him to plan something nice, nor do I feel he has the inclination to ... so I've done it myself to save him the trouble Smile.

OP posts:
Original poster
substitutemycokeforgin · 03/01/2013 17:28

Hah, Chaotic - if I did that he'd freak - the pressure!! I just don't know if he'd man up to the task or crumple and ask me to do it ... it could go either way!

OP posts:
KobayashiMaru · 03/01/2013 17:28

Don't change it! Haven't you done enough for him already?

malteserzz · 03/01/2013 17:31

I'd be upset if dh went out without me on his birthday, couldn't you include him and go out with your friends and their partners ?