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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my flatmate to let me know if she'll be home?

64 replies

somedayma · 02/01/2013 22:46

I probably ABU. Unless I know she's going to be out all night or has plans in the evening, I worry that she's had a car crash or been attacked or something!

She's generally known to be shit at replying to texts etc which is fine but is it so hard to return my 'hey should I expect you home tonight?' text with 'yes' or 'no'?

she hasn't been driving very long so I sort of panic. I realise this is patronising.

Apart from anything, I want to know if I should put the chain on the door before I go to bed. I could ring her I suppose but obv don't want to interrupt DTD whatever she's doing.

Usually if I don't hear back in half an hour I'll text her boyfriend (who has been a good friend of mine for years) and he'll reply quickly saying 'don't worry she's with me!'

Am I being a freak? I dread to think how I'll be when I have actual kids

OP posts:

PickledInAPearTree · 02/01/2013 23:04

I think it's quite a polite thing when you share just a quick text to say if your in or out.

hatgirl · 02/01/2013 23:05

yeah - i'm your flat mate (not literally obviously) I have a friend that I occasionally stay with if I have a work do and want to have a drink. Its almost like when i'm there she takes over the role of my mother and just fusses. Texts me during the night checking i'm ok, gives me a key but then stays up all night 'to make sure I get in safe' and then texts me when I get home asking me to get in touch and let her know I got back okay. Last time I stayed I decided to go shopping in the morning rather than going straight home and didn't check my phone for a few hours and the reaction from her was one of absolute hysteria.

I'm not someone who really uses text messages and most people know that and if they need a quick reply ring they need to ring me instead. I find typing them out fiddly, frustrating, time consuming and just rude if I am with other people. I find the whole culture that expects everyone to be instantly available via text message a bit strange I'm afraid.

Original poster

somedayma · 02/01/2013 23:06

that's what I thought pickled. I was never looking for a detailed description of her plans and an exact time of arrival, just a 'nah I'm staying elsewhere' or 'yeh I'll be home!'. But I see now I am being weird. new years resolution: leave flatmate alone ha

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2013 23:07

Sorry but I'd hate it if someone did this to me. Hate it.

Original poster

somedayma · 02/01/2013 23:07

hat I'm definitely not that extreme!

OP posts:

garlicbaubles · 02/01/2013 23:08

My flatmates and I used to tell each other if we weren't coming home or, if we were, when. This was usually done late on by voicemail or text, even if we knew the others would be out too. It was intended to let potential axe-murderers know there'd be someone looking out for us - we'd leave a name and/or address, or reg number of taxi.

Even if you're not into mutual safety measures, I do think she should consider your worries about the safety chain. It's not too much to ask, just a text.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 02/01/2013 23:08

Nice one op. look on it as DC training

PickledInAPearTree · 02/01/2013 23:09

I've always shared with good friends and we've always done it.

Just a quick text not back tonight?

Apart from anything else of you hear someone banging around coming in you know it's her.

MrsMushroom · 02/01/2013 23:14

It's so personal. Some people really like to look out for someone and feel they're being looked out for....others feel like it is too much and even cloying.

So OP...yanbu but in this case Yabu.

PartTimeModel · 02/01/2013 23:14

Yep you are being U and weird, but you know that.

What do you think all this worry will achieve? You've got to find a way to let this stuff go.

mrsjay · 02/01/2013 23:14

been reading and thinking maybe just text her the once if you think she isnt going to be in I would lay off for a week or 2 though she is probably a little bit pissed off with you but too nice to say as she has to live with you, chat about your plans if you like but don't hound her in text and dont text her boyfriend it is weird,

Original poster

somedayma · 02/01/2013 23:18

I really don't think she's pissed about it...I don't think I'm in denial about that, I know her very well and don't think it bothers her, I think her lack of replies are more due to her mostly ignoring her phone generally, rather than specifically my questions. I hope. I'll apologise to her if when she gets home

OP posts:

PickledInAPearTree · 02/01/2013 23:20

Just ask if she wants you both to key the other know if your out overnight or leave it and take her chances!

Say if she isn't back by bedtime you'll put the chain on though.

And then just go with get wishes.

CailinDana · 02/01/2013 23:28

I think it's totally fine if it's a mutual thing - you both look out for each other - but when it's one person harassing the other then it's just annoying as clearly the harassed one isn't interested in the whole the setup. I used to look out for my housemates when I shared a house but that was the nature of our relationship - I would text one particular housemate asking if he'd be home for dinner! Made me feel very motherly :) Thing was it wasn't a problem because we were both on the same page. Given your flatmate doesn't respond OP clearly she doesn't want to do this with you.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 02/01/2013 23:29

'Say if she isn't back by bedtime you'll put the chain on'

Op, do NOT do that. Although I would get a different lock. But don't go locking her out because she's not back by a completely arbitrary bedtime.

MooncupGoddess · 02/01/2013 23:34

If she has a boyfriend she regularly stays with then yes, YABU. If however she generally spent every night at home then it wouldn't be odd to text her if she didn't come home one night.

When I had flatmates we would generally let each other know if we wouldn't be back - it showed friendly concern, and I don't think annoyed any of us!

Original poster

somedayma · 02/01/2013 23:35

no I definitely won't be locking her out!

she doesn't stay at his regularly as he gets up very early to go to work

OP posts:

QOD · 02/01/2013 23:39

Have you seen "Single White Female"?

PickledInAPearTree · 02/01/2013 23:41

I did mean LOCK HER OUT Wilson.

They need to sort something out as is not fair on the op otherwise not to have the proper locks on.

Heavens bit of mild concern for a persons safety is a far cry from wearing their clothes and a wig!

PickledInAPearTree · 02/01/2013 23:41

Didn't didn't didn't! I didn't mean it!

RyleDup · 02/01/2013 23:44

Yep wewilson I have often asked myself the same question over the years, when I have been waiting for a txt and wondering "well what would I do if they don't answer?". And you're right, completely 100 per cent, theres tit all I could do really. Its probably better not to bother really.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/01/2013 00:34

I don't think you're being that unreasonable OP.

I lived in an all girl house at university and we did send "stayin out tonight" texts.

We didn't let each other know when we were going to be home generally speaking though.

EllenParsons · 03/01/2013 00:39

YABU. My flatmate and I don't check up on each other in this way and I would hate it. Definitely don't put the chain on - I would be so furious if I came home and was locked out because my flatmate had put the chain on.

trixymalixy · 03/01/2013 00:41

My roommate used to do this with me and even started telling me that I shouldn't go out again as I'd already been out x no of nights that week. We'd been friends before we shared a room, but it ended our friendship.

Startail · 03/01/2013 00:50

As students my flat didn't check up on each other, although we would generally say if we were going to be away or very late. My DF''s did.

They rented a house that was rather on the edge of student territory, which had far fewer buses. Also they shared cooking and shopping so it was nice to know when people would be about.

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