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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should be able to bury her before this?

38 replies

wattogirl · 02/01/2013 14:43

My first AIBU - please be gentle.

My lovely Granny died on 27th December. She was 98 or 99 (long story - we never got a straight answer from her!) and had been ill for some time.

Due to bank holidays etc my parents have only been able to obtain the necessary paperwork to arrange the burial today. The first date available for a burial is the 29th January.

AIBU to think that it should not take over a month to arrange a burial, and that this is distressing for the bereaved and most importantly disrespectful to the deceased.

I feel so bad for my poor Mum.

OP posts:

MardyBra · 02/01/2013 14:45

Sorry for your loss watto. Are you sure AIBU is the right place for this?

I have no practical suggestions, but presumably January is a very busy month.

MaxPepsi · 02/01/2013 14:48

I'm sorry for your loss.

For this time of year it sounds about right.

My DH's gran died early in December, it was over 2 weeks before we could arrange the funeral and that was without any bank holidays delaying the process.

HollyBerryBush · 02/01/2013 14:49

Sorry for your loss.

Our local crem with two furnaces had a refurbishment, people were waiting 5 weeks last winter holidays with two other local authority crematoriums co-opted in to try and move the back log along.

However this is a sad time of year for many, it is the peak time for mature folks to pass on.

DragonMamma · 02/01/2013 14:49

Sorry for your loss. My gm died 2 years ago, at the start of December and we couldn't cremate her until NYE after an aborted try a few days previously which was thwarted by the snow at the time.

My father's mil died on boxing day and the PM was done in before NYE and she will be sent off next week so it does seem a bit long to wait, esp as my dads mil required a PM because it was sudden, which usually adds a few days surely?

CloudsAndTrees · 02/01/2013 14:51

So sorry for your loss wattogirl, I hope you are ok.

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon at all. It does make a difficult time even harder, there's no doubt about that, but it happens all the time, even at less typically busy times of the year.

maddening · 02/01/2013 14:51

So sorry for your loss.

My gran died 21st December (92 yo) and was buried 17th jan last year - but we had family from her native country to get across and some from germany so it was better in the end as more could attend than if it had been at xmas or new year.

Pandemoniaa · 02/01/2013 14:55

I'm very sorry about your loss. However, in some areas there can be a surprisingly long delay before it is possible for a burial and the time of year can also be a factor. Also, if a post-mortem is required (and even someone as elderly might need one) this adds to the time.

WipsGlitter · 02/01/2013 14:55

This amazes me. I'm from northern Ireland and funerals take place within about three days of the person passing away. I hope you manage to get things speeded up.

Original poster

wattogirl · 02/01/2013 14:59

thanks for the replies

looks like IABU - I am truly shocked it takes so long, even with it being a 'busy' period.

A relative died in Eire last year and they were buried within 2 days so it is quite possible to arrange things more quickly. I expected at least a couple of weeks, possibly more due to the bank holidays, but it will be five weeks.

OP posts:

HorraceTheOtter · 02/01/2013 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 02/01/2013 15:06

Sorry for your loss.

I'm the same as wispsglitter, I'm stunned by how long it takes to bury someone in England . It's unheard of over here.

PandaOnAPushBike · 02/01/2013 15:07

Sorry for your loss. My dad passed away earlier this year. We were told it would be 6 weeks for the funeral/cremation. We changed undertakers and they arranged it for the following the week.

Northernlebkuchen · 02/01/2013 15:08

Unfortunately this can happen at this time of year. Has your mum asked the funeral directors to explore all options - what exactly is the delay? Because if it's availability of vicar etc then surely somebody else could be bought in? If it's due to availability of grave digging staff then I would talk to your local councillor and see if anything can be done.

In Scotland or Northern Ireland you wouldn't have this because the general culture is for a quick funeral. In England a wait of a week or two is the norm and at busy times that gets stretched.

wanderingalbatross · 02/01/2013 15:08

My uncle died just before Christmas, and we also have to wait some weeks for the funeral :( I am not involved in the arrangements so I don't know if there's any way to speed things up, but it does seem hard for those closest to wait so long.

Sorry for your loss x

Oldandcobwebby · 02/01/2013 15:09

Have you spoken to the cemetery staff yourself?. I manage a crematorium, and I know for a certain fact that funeral directors will tell you all sorts of untruths about availability of times for burial and cremation, when it is themselves who are causing the delay. I wouldn't mind guessing that by making a few phone calls you could get a burial much quicker. More than likely a different funeral director could do the sad task for thousands cheaper, too. The differences in fees are astonishing from one undertaker to another.

yousankmybattleship · 02/01/2013 15:10

Sorry for you loss. The wait is distressing but not unusual I'm afraid.

QueenOfCats · 02/01/2013 15:11

I'm so sorry for your loss x

My lovely Gran died on Dec 23rd. The funeral is this Friday, the 4th Jan.

4 weeks is an awfully long time. Will there be a church service then burial or cremation?

Glitterknickaz · 02/01/2013 15:13

It's awful you have to wait that long and I'm sorry for your loss.

I hate to say it but it is one of the busiest times of year for the industry.

Would your funeral director get a laser date using a different venue?

Glitterknickaz · 02/01/2013 15:14

Sorry, earlier date. Don't know what happened there.

paulapantsdown · 02/01/2013 15:20

Thats terrible OP and indeed disrespectful in some way.

My friends mother died in Ireland on NY Eve and was buried this morning. It is so quick in Ireland that it is very hard to get there from England sometimes. I have done the mad dash to the airport and getting to the church in the nick of time - last year I got to the mass the night before my uncles funeral 5 minutes before the end after speeding down the motorway.

When my mum died 8 years ago, they were able to do her autopsy straight away as the mortuary was working around the clock taking care of the poor souls arriving back at Heathrow from the tsunami. This enabled us to get the funeral arranged in a week, which gave us time to organise it properly and for people to get here. I think the way they do it in Ireland is too fast, but its worse if its too long like it can be here.

Sorry for your loss x

minouminou · 02/01/2013 15:32

Sorry for your loss, especially as it came at Christmas.

A wait of four weeks at this time of year is not unheard of, although it's at the longer end of normal. As previous posters have said, many senior people die at this time of year and so there's simply more demand for the funeral services.

Oldandcobwebby looks like she knows what she's talking about, though, so could you get a friend of the family to make a few calls? It may be too distressing for you or your mum to go through the process several times over.

We had a wait of three weeks a decade or so ago; the person died in late December and was buried Jan 21.

Maybe take the extra time to really organise a good send-off. If there's no way you can bring it forward, then you might find the wait easier to bear if you're making her funeral extra-special.

apostropheuse · 02/01/2013 15:36

In Scotland (or certainly where I live and where anyone I know lives) burials can take place within three days, unless there's bank holidays. If a funeral even took a week people would think that was quite long. Of course if there was a post mortem - sudden death etc it could take 7-10 days.

I really feel for you and sorry for your loss.

soontobeburns · 02/01/2013 15:43

My OHs GF passed away on the first of January last year and was cremated on the 6th. (Its also the only crematorium in Northern ireland)

So YANBU a month seems like an extremely long time to wait.

My condolences.

SoggySummer · 02/01/2013 15:46

Thats terrible. I was going to come on and say there would be a bit of a delay at this time of year sadly but that does seem somewhat excessive. I certainly would not be happy with that at all.

Try and establish what the reason behind the delay is and see if anything can be amended to bring it forward a bit.

MrsDeVere · 02/01/2013 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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