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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think we should be able to bury her before this?

38 replies

wattogirl · 02/01/2013 14:43

My first AIBU - please be gentle.

My lovely Granny died on 27th December. She was 98 or 99 (long story - we never got a straight answer from her!) and had been ill for some time.

Due to bank holidays etc my parents have only been able to obtain the necessary paperwork to arrange the burial today. The first date available for a burial is the 29th January.

AIBU to think that it should not take over a month to arrange a burial, and that this is distressing for the bereaved and most importantly disrespectful to the deceased.

I feel so bad for my poor Mum.

OP posts:

QOD · 02/01/2013 15:55

Same here, my Gran died 9/11 and we finally got her funeral for the last day of November (couple of yrs ago now)

My American friends find it fascinating as they are often viewed within 24 hrs and then the service the next day, or for the Jewish ones, within the 24hrs.

They find us odd

FYI my darling uncle was Norwegian (took Norwegian nationality I should say)
His "funeral" was in April and they only bury bodies or ashes between May and I think it's October!!
Was very surreal. Had the funeral service and the hearse drove back off with his body.
Had to ask cousins wife what that was all about!

They have to have a 2 nd mini funeral service when they actually bury. Very hard.

NaokHoHoHo · 02/01/2013 15:56

I'm sorry for your loss :(

I didn't know that the reason funerals in Britain come so long after the death is because of backlogs, I thought it was cultural. I'm from Holland and there a funeral is usually within 5 days, give or take a day or two. It doesn't feel at all reasonable to me to have it take so long.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2013 15:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But I can only repeat what others have said. My grandparents both died in the early days of January and we were told it would not be possible for some time.

I am absolutely sure there would be no disrespect involved. When we buried my grandparents they were very respectful and in fact (despite me feeling like you initially) it felt very dignified, because people who couldn't otherwise have been able to make it were able to come, and by then we'd had so many cards and messages, it really felt as if we were saying a proper goodbye.

I'm aware there's nothing comforting to say, though - I am so sorry.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/01/2013 15:58

YANBU but I learnt a few years ago that a long wait around this time of year is not uncommon. It's awful for the families.

I'm sorry for your loss.

beamme · 02/01/2013 16:01

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad passed away 3 years ago on the 27th of December. His funeral was the 10th of January but he was cremated.

Original poster

wattogirl · 02/01/2013 16:01

many thanks again for all your replies and kind thoughts - I will suggest to my parents that they try making some phone calls - my dad is good at things like that!

I suppose I'm not asking is it usual, but more is it right? I hate to think of my Nan just 'waiting' if you know what I mean?

There is no PM to arrange so that's not an issue. It's a church service, then burial in the same grave as my Grandad, so no options for an alternative cemetery etc. I believe the hold up is with the cemetery, but we only know this from the funeral director.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2013 16:03

No, she won't be 'waiting'. I am sure of that. She will be at rest - that is how buriels are. The fact she's not been buried will not matter - she will be at peace.

Original poster

wattogirl · 02/01/2013 16:10

you're right LRD - that's what I keep telling the DC's, I need to take my own advice

OP posts:

autumnmum · 02/01/2013 16:17

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I had a similar experience with my Dad. We had nearly 4 weeks between his death and his cremation because they were just so busy. Initially I was horrified because we all wanted to get his funeral over with ASAP. But in the end it meant we had the luxury of being able to organise a fantastic funeral for him because we had so much time to think about it. The funeral directors will look after your Gran with the greatest of respect. We were able to go and see my Dad a few times before his funeral and so was anybody else who wanted to. For us this was actually quite nice because he died very suddenly and unexpectedly (out walking) so it gave us time to take it all in. I hope it all goes well for you, I'm sure it will.

Northernlebkuchen · 02/01/2013 16:29

I am absolutely certain she is at peace and she isn't 'waiting'. This length of time is hard on you but you haven't let her down at all. I'm sure she's home safe with your grandad.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2013 16:34

northern is right.

I can see it is horribly hard, but it's hard on you - not her. There is nothing disrespectful to her going on here.

maddening · 02/01/2013 19:37

take this time to collect together photo albums and memories for the wake - it was lovely to go through family photos from different units of the family and share all the memories of our gm. Don't let the worry of the date take over while you are grieving.

meboo · 02/01/2013 19:43

I have not read the whole thread, so sorry if this has already been said.
It could be that the undertakers are busy. You can call the cemetery directly and find out when they can arrange the burial and contact the church and then see if you can find an alternate undertakers.

Unfortunately January is a very busy time of year and a wait is usual.

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