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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu? re suicide/attention seeking

52 replies

FromParisWithLove · 02/01/2013 05:44

I work with a man who at the beginning I genuinely liked him, but after 7 years of working with him I've finally seen his true colours.

He craves attention constantly and its so draining.

He will start a conversation with me, such as asking if I had a nice trip to London, to which I'll say "yeah it was great thanks .... " for him to interrupt and starts a 20 minute conversation about his trip.

Another example, he once told everyone in the office that he had a date with a guy who he was chatting to over the internet that evening. The next morning he doesn't turn up for work and doesn't phone in sick.

Cue colleagues ringing and texting him non-stop, and even ringing his mother all thinking he had met some mass murderer. He then strolls in 5 hours late without a care in the world having not returned a single call or text.

I really could go on.

The latest incident has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth.

He had a weekend away recently. It emerged that during this weekend he'd tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.

I happened to see that he wrote a status on Facebook thanking the police for all their help. Firstly the police are never going to see that status, and of course there were lots of comments asking why.

He has also made it his duty to tell everyone at work that he tried to commit suicide. The way he told me it was like he was telling me what he had for dinner the other night. When I didn't react and told him that I already heard, he carried on talking about it anyway.

He also left voicemails on a few of our colleagues phones saying goodbye.

I have been to that dark place before and I wouldn't have dreamed going around telling people like it was some piece of gossip. I know a very close friend who confided in me that she had considered it before, again she only told people she trusted 100%.

Suicide is such a terrible and devastating thing and wrecks so many lives, that to feel he's used it as an attempt to attention seek makes me so angry!

(Just as a side note his close friends, family and managers know about this and are obviously better suited at dealing with it so if by a small chance it is a cry for help than it's not being ignored)

OP posts:

Numberlock · 02/01/2013 05:51

How old is he?

yawningmonster · 02/01/2013 06:34

he sounds very lonely and in need to me....I think that attention seeking is a means of communication for some people and they don't know how else to interact with people. It is very draining as it often ends up as a one way relationship of dependency with the needy person coming up with more and more situations to get support and interest from others as it is their only way of operating their half of the relationship if that mkaes sense.

trapclap · 02/01/2013 07:11

Yeah, I think attempted suicide is a cry for help a lot of the time isn't it? Has anyone asked him why he jumped off a building?

GailTheGoldfish · 02/01/2013 07:22

He sounds very lonely and insecure. Hopefully after the suicide attempt he is receiving professional help? That's really the only way he can address whatever it is that makes him crave attention. Try to carry on being kind to him while he works through it but that's all you can do.

RedHelenB · 02/01/2013 07:27

Sounds a bit of a fantasist tbh, best taken with a pinch of salt! Maybe just say you are busy with work rather than get locked into one of his tales.

onetiredmummy · 02/01/2013 08:17

Try not to engage with him Paris, when you see him coming pick up the phone & pretend to call someone or go to the photocopier or similar.

I agree that its tolerable & ignoreable until it becomes a bit too close to personal experience or it makes people genuinely worry. He's a drain on you, just ignore whenever you can.

diddl · 02/01/2013 08:22

Cynic that I am I´d be unlikely to believe him tbh.

The police were involved & he is just left alone to continue his life-would that really happen??

StuntGirl · 02/01/2013 08:34

Agree he sounds like a fantasist. I'd also say telling people you thought of commiting suicide is also a cry for help, it isn't some badge of suicide honor to be vair secretive and confiding. Perhaps you'd better show your friend some empathy and understanding and see if she's ok too?

MammaTJ · 02/01/2013 08:38

My first husband used to use threats of suicide as an attempt to control me. I was going out with friends and he told me if I did he would kill himself and it would be my fault.

I told him that I was going out and what he chose to do was up to him and not my fault at all.

I got back and he was fine, as I knew he would be (but if he hadn't been, that would have been his choice).

Is there any element of that in your colleagues situation?

jessjessjess · 02/01/2013 08:54

He sounds very strange. And while I would caution against ever assuming that seeking attention means someone doesn't need it and shouldn't have it, I would be wary of this chap. Can you talk to a manager about how you should handle him?

I was all set to say YABU as I lost a colleague to suicide a couple of years ago and wish we'd had the opportunity to help or talk him down, but he was very ill with depression and I don't know if anyone could have stopped it. But in this case actually I really don't blame you feeling angry.

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 02/01/2013 08:56

He sounds intensly irritating, but not a happy, well adjusted person.

It sounds as if he has help and support for whatever problems he has So i would not engage that much. Whatever his problems, i think it's fine for you not to have to be somone who gets sucked in to them, in this particular case.

HairyGrotter · 02/01/2013 09:01

People like this are horribly draining, and it's near impossible to switch off from them especially if they are in your workplace! He needs help, and a fair bit of it.

He is a prime example of an attention seeker, which no doubt needs to be investigated and tackled, I feel for you I terms of having to listen and witness the behaviour, but I also feel sorry for him as he has a serious problem.

Nancy66 · 02/01/2013 09:03

It can't have been a very tall building!

I doubt the 'jumping off a building' story is true either.

he sounds very unhinged - isn't there somebody at work - a manager - who can help him or speak to him?

SantasENormaSnob · 02/01/2013 09:05

Yanbu

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2013 09:07

I think someone who attempts suicide and posts about it is obviously in a bad place, and I think you are being pretty harsh.

I can see it's very difficult for you and your colleagues and I do believe there is a point at which someone needs more support than you can provide as a colleague or, particularly, over facebook. I can imagine it is truly horrible to be put in that position of worrying.

But I also think, if it's a 'cry for help', it's clearly from someone who needs help, isn't it? He's obviously really not doing well and to be honest, I would rather know if someone needed help or wanted attention, than that they did these things and I only found out too late.

If you just can't support him as a colleague (which I can understand), can you not just pass on your concerns to your boss, or maybe the police (if they're aware, they may not know the full extend of what he's been saying and may need to know if they're involved, I don't know?)?

You say you yourself would never have told anyone about your own experiences. But people are different. I'm not sure there's a 'right way' to be about the sort of depression that leads you to think about suicide.

diddl · 02/01/2013 09:08

Nancy beat me to it.

He jumped off a building but just strolled into work a couple of days later-totally unharmed?

And it conveniently happened whilst he was away?

wewereherefirst · 02/01/2013 09:09

Was he detained under the mental health act? I would have thought he would have been.

TheFallenNinja · 02/01/2013 09:21

I would totally disconnect from this clown. Whatever the real back story to this he is beyond anything other than professional help and I wouldn't engage with him on anything other than work related stuff.

There is also a difference between cry for help and creating drama to manipulate people.

Jumped off a building, ffs.

JamieandtheMagiTorch · 02/01/2013 09:28

I presume he got stopped before he jumped!

Baublesinafield · 02/01/2013 09:35

Pass on your concerns to your boss. He either needs help for depression or help in being professional.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 02/01/2013 09:38

The first couple of things don't really stand out. Everyone knows someone who takes over the conversation and he didn't ask anyone to ring or phone him after his date - it was more likely that he'd drunk more than ususal rather than been eaten by an internet troll.

I'm going to pull you up on the last one though. While his actions after the event could be seen as attention seeking, people don't have the police called on them unless they are at serious risk of harming themselves. Its likely that he was on a building threatening to jump, and that is the "attempt" bit rather than him having actually jumped.

If you find him annoying, or you don't believe him or you think he's making it up, then distance yourself from him. However around 25% of people who make suicidal plans will eventually act on them, so don't discount it entirely.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/01/2013 09:40

Well said, keema.

Marne · 02/01/2013 09:44

I agree Keema- i always take over conversation, i cant help it, i think its because i am on the autistic spectrum (see there i go again talking about me).

I do think its attention seeking with the suicide thing though but still worrying that he feels he needs the attention. He obviously has a lot of issues and is probably very insecure.

If you find him too much then just stay out of his way or just grin and agree with him.

BarredfromhavingStella · 02/01/2013 09:47

Don't the police do something with regards to attempted suicide-I would have expected him to maybe be detained under the mental health act?

Agree with those that have said you should distance yourself from this person.

Birdsgottafly · 02/01/2013 09:49

"The police were involved & he is just left alone to continue his life-would that really happen??"

My relative jumped in the Mersey (Liverpool) a few months ago, he was back to"normal life" within days, he was just refered to counseling and put on mood lifting AD's.

To section someone for greater than two days, their Mental Illness has to be only treatable in hospital and the danger to continue, which isn't always the case.

The collegue doesn't sound well, either way. If others wanted to get involved when he went "missing" that's their business, he had family.

OP you need to simply distance yourself, but it isn't your place to over question every motive of his, being a fantasist is a Mental Health/Personality disorder in itself, but he may actualy be very unwell.

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