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AIBU?

to be upset with my friend over this?

143 replies

7evendwarves · 01/01/2013 23:59

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

OP posts:

Report

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 09:37

Of course you have a choice.

You have made your choice.

You have chosen to allow your current partner to dictate who you may and may not see.

Your other choice was to say to him no, I will socialise with whoever I choose. I will not avoid people because you say so.

It just remains for you to understand WHY you made this choice. Are you afraid of your current partner? Will he go on and on and on and on at you until you cry? Will he become physical or do you have a bubbling fear in your stomach even though he hasn't (yet) been physical? do you need him to be happy with you all the time (why?)

If the very idea of saying to him that he has no right to tell you who to see and you will be going to this thing makes you afraid or anxious - things are VERY WRONG HERE!

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2013 10:57

Until I read the whole thread I did think your friend was 'U' for changing plans at the last minute, I do usually think that's rude.

However, having read the rest, I think you do need to look at this relationship. Why do you think it's okay for your DP to tell you what you can and can't do?
And do you think it stops at just this one thing? What else aren't you 'allowed' to do?

PessaryPam · 02/01/2013 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 02/01/2013 12:47

Harsh Pessary, but maybe a point, then asking the friend to pander to him aswell is pushing it.

PessaryPam · 02/01/2013 13:45

Maybe tough non indulgent love is needed?

7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 14:59

The reason I changed my name was because I know how nasty aibu can be, which pessary illustrated perfectly. I have come here to get some perspective, not abuse. I think It's quite clear that no one is 'indulging' me.

OP posts:

7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 15:13

I also wanted to say that I am taking on board what people are saying, I'm just not sure how to act on it atm.

OP posts:

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 02/01/2013 15:16

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.

This is not healthy. Why did you feel you couldn't say no?

Because you're scared he would get angry and lose his temper?
Because you're scared he'd leave?

ComposHat · 02/01/2013 15:20

people have given you some advice you don't like. that is a very different thing to being horrible.

7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 15:37

Compos I am referring to one particular person's rather nasty and unhelpful comment. It was not advice. Otherwise I am listening.

I am genuinely rather worried about standing up and saying no to him.

OP posts:

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 02/01/2013 15:39

What do you think will happen if you stood up to him?

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 15:42

What do you fear will happen?

7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 15:43

He has a bad temper and would probably shout lots, then make me feel guilty for hurting him. As I said I did try to resist him controlling me like this but gave in.

OP posts:

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 02/01/2013 15:51

Do you see that you are choosing to please the wrong person? Your friend just wants to have a nice party and invite people she likes. Your Ex-P wants to hang out with his mates. You P is shouting and controlling and making you feel bad. He is the one you choose to please.

Please get rid, this will only get worse.

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 15:55

And this is the life you want to have? This is the future you want? This is the father you want for your children? You want to be a timid 60 year old cowering in the kitchen from yet another thorough yelling at because you didn't toe the line?
Please consider choosing a different life.
We only get the one. Trust me when I tell you that its a waste of it to tether yourself to someone who doesn't treat you well.

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 15:56

And he doesn't make you feel anything.
Until you can take responsibility for your choices and your feelingsvyou will continue to feel helpless here.

milf90 · 02/01/2013 16:02

I think your friend probably did it on purpose to make a point. She probably doesn't agree with your dh deciding u can't see your ex and was trying to make a point.

Otherwise I think it's quite unfair to dump your ex on you, she should have had you 'approve' it first - that's what friends do.

I think I might have missed something so I'm going to reread the thread, because whilst I don't think it's great for your dh to be not allowing you to see someone, I don't think it's the worst thing In the world especially because its an ex - I certainly wouldn't shout abuse/domestic violence just from this alone - but again I need to reread because I think I've missed something! I don't think I would be too thrilled if dh said he was off to meet his ex, though saying that I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go, but I think that's based on trust more than anything else. (I'm also pretty sure I saw a thread a while ago about a dh meeting up with am ex and everyone screamed I wouldn't allow it - so that's pretty funny ;))

There's also some things I wouldn't bring up with my oh. (Getting a lock on our bedroom door for childminding for example) Not because I think he would be abusive, but because it will more than likely cause am argument and it would make my life easier to just avoid the situation until it becomes an issue.

7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 16:14

Hecate I totally understand what you are saying but he isn't always this bad. Most of the time is pleasant and caring.

Milf I agree friend is trying to make a point probably. Ex was never abusive.

OP posts:

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 02/01/2013 16:23

7 they never are. If a person was always horrible, they wouldn't get anyone to be in a relationship with them. By being nice/pleasant/caring most of the time, they get to be horrible some of the time. Don't kid yourself, though. They are abusive 100% of the time. You are policing your behaviour, your friend's behaviour and you haven't even had the argument. That is what happens, you start to do it to yourself.

HecatePropolos · 02/01/2013 16:25

I am sure he isn't.

Do you think women would stay in a relationship where the man was always horrible? In the early days? They don't ask you out on a date, take you home and kick you round the kitchen.

They test the water. They start small. They see if you'll change this, let that go, accept this, tolerate that. drip drip drip drip drip.

Of course he is nice.

That's how he gets you to stay when he isn't nice.

But you are with someone for whom you are modifying your behaviour. For whom you are backing down and giving in because you fear their temper.

Tell me.

How much better do you think it will get if you marry and have children and therefore lifelong ties to him?

Do you know that such behaviours escalate the more they feel the woman is 'tied' to them?

You will make your choice. And you will live it.

All I am saying is think carefully about choosing a man whose temper worries you, who tells you who you may and may not see and who you kowtow to in order to please.

dinkystinky · 02/01/2013 16:33

OP - its not normal in a healthy relationship to ban your partner from seeing ex-partners. If you have a healthy, trusting relationship, it should matter two hoots if you see your Ex p or not. I agree absolutely with Hecate - look forward one, two, ten years. Do you really want to be that person, who cant make their own choices, voice their own opinions, for fear of what your partner will say or do? Its not right and its not a choice you would wish on your loved ones. Get out and get rid of him - he's no good for you.

Spuddybean · 02/01/2013 16:43

I don't think you are being very fair on your ex or your friend. If you have mutual friends then you should accept you will see each other at parties. Otherwise one has to be excluded, and if you are the one who doesn't want to see the other (for whatever reason - although it is YOU who is choosing to do this by agreeing with your partner) then you should excuse yourself, not expect the other poor bloke to not be invited.

This totally boils my piss. I lost loads of friends over this exact thing. ExH and exBF (who got together) didn't want to see me (as it made them feel bad probably) so I was the one who wasn't to invited to birthdays, weddings, christenings etc. I was always invited to a small 1-1 dinner mid week to celebrate while knowing they were all going out on the razzle without me. I just invite everyone and let them be adults and sort it out between them.

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SaraBellumHertz · 02/01/2013 17:00

Please humor me and tell me why you and your DP originally split? What made you get back together?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 02/01/2013 17:04

Spuddy you would love my BF. She called me and Ex-H up before her and her OH's wedding (who happens to be my Ex-H's BF). She said we were both invited, both in the wedding party and we could suck it up and behave because it was her wedding. My DH wouldn't dream of telling me not to go.

juniperdewdrop · 02/01/2013 17:09

You've name changed so in all honesty are you only with him because you don't like being alone?

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