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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with my friend over this?

143 replies

7evendwarves · 01/01/2013 23:59

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 02/01/2013 00:44

So if you insist of remaining friends, or doing anything else that he disproves of. He nags and nags.. Then what?
You said he has a temper. What does he do?

Alarm bells are ringing. Kick this looser to the kerb.

There are decent blokes out there. Ones that respect you. Ones that are able to live as your own free person, capable of making choices for themselves... Instead of being treated like a child and controlled. Come to think of it, children even get to choose their own mates.

Original poster
7evendwarves · 02/01/2013 00:44

I'm not saying he's right or that I agree with him, just that I don't know how to disagree with him.

OP posts:
MagicHouse · 02/01/2013 00:44

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship,get out now

Absolutely agree.

MelodyParadise · 02/01/2013 00:45

Because you are scared of him. Tell the truth.

MrsFlibble · 02/01/2013 00:46

You go away before, do it again, this is not a man who wants to make you happy, isolate you, knock you up, and then your all his.

millie30 · 02/01/2013 00:46

Then you will end up isolated from your friends because of his actions. No one is going to want your DP around if he is sulky and throws a tantrum or tries to dictate who socialises with who. If you don't stand up to him it will become less hassle for your friends to stop inviting you to things as they won't want to put you in a difficult position nor tolerate his demands. I wouldn't be suprised if he is making these demands deliberately as he knows it will substantially reduce your social life.

Eeebygum · 02/01/2013 00:47

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? You only get one shot at life, why waste it being with a toxic, controlling man who obviously doesn't respect you and sees you as 'his' to dictate to? You won't be happy, especially when he succeeds in isolating you and getting a much tighter grip on you.

ihearsounds · 02/01/2013 00:47

You disagree with him by telling him that he doesn't own you.
If he had any respect for you as a person, he would not tell you who you can and cannot be mates with. If he respected you he would let you make your own choices..

ComposHat · 02/01/2013 00:49

I'm not saying he's right or that I agree with him, just that I don't know how to disagree with him

From what you've said, this isn't a how do we improve communication and compromise within our relationship type scenario.

You need to leave him. He has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. You need to end this now. There is no need to agree/disagree with this prick once he has ceased to be your partner.

MalibuStac · 02/01/2013 00:51

He'll cut you off from friends one by one.

Has he always dictated who you can see? Is this why its been on and off? Are you that afraid he'll leave if 'you don't do what your told?'

I honestly have to say how dare he do this to you. Your definitely in this relationship with good terms.

You say you don't know how to disagree with him. Its quite simple you just say no I'm not going to refuse to see friend just because exp is there. If he loves you so much he won't feel insecure about who your with.

DonderandBlitzen · 02/01/2013 00:53

If I was your friend I would be pretty annoyed you had cancelled the day before a dinner party for no good reason when i may have already bought food. Your dp is doing a good job of alienating you from your friend. I wonder who he will work on next.

MalibuStac · 02/01/2013 00:54

*good - his (have no idea what happened there.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 02/01/2013 00:55

After the friends, it'll be the family if your close to them.

WelshMaenad · 02/01/2013 00:56

It's really not normal, OP, no.

My husband and kids accompany me to parties thrown by ex/ex inlaws. They'll be coming to his 30th celebrations next month.

Controlling who your girlfriend socialises with is actually anusive behaviour. Get wise to it.

MelodyParadise · 02/01/2013 01:01

I'm not going to bother speculating on what he might do in the future.
I think it's better to concentrate soley on what is actually occurring.

He is controlling and the OP doesn't know how to disagree with him. He has a temper. It is now to such an extent that the OP is annoyed that her friend isn't doing her best to appease him too.
If the ex is to be present, the OP would like a chance to change their plans and make sure King Dick is massaged.
His say so is paramount - she tried to say no, but he insisted.
The Op's say so is neither here nor there.

We do not need to speculate about what he may or may not do.

She is scared of him now, and that is more than enough.

The only acceptable level of fear in a relationship is none.
It is already rotten to the core.

FlojoHoHoHo · 02/01/2013 01:03

It's not your friend you should be speaking to its your DP. How long have you been with DP?
I understand that DP isn't comfortable being in the same room as your ex and might not be happy about you getting rat arsed with an ex you have been on and off with for a while but he either trusts you or he doesnt, and if he doesn't then why are you with him? And if he does then why the hell is he controlling you?

I recently bumped in to my dates ex in a pub when we were out together, it was a bit weird but they were my insecurities, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying to date, "c'mon we are out of here, you aren't staying here with her".

Tell DP that since your friend is good friends with your ex, its impossible to avoid him totally besides you aren't bothered about avoiding him anyway. Leave him to be huffy and if he behaves like a prat LTB

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 02/01/2013 01:07

this is not normal behaviour

think if it this way. your friend has a dp, who does not like your dp. her dp then tells her she cannot meet up with you because she's "not allowed" as your dp will be there.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 02/01/2013 01:18

'I thought it was normal for partners not to like you seeing exes'. Sorry, OP, in my experience, in a healthy relationship (and assuming that the ex was not abusive), this is not normal.

A few examples, based on my own family... My older sister was in a very serious relationship with her ex, they lived together for years. We are all still close with him, we (including my sister and her fiancee) meet up with him for drinks every time he is home for a visit. We are all going to his wedding later on in the year.

My younger sister - living with her current DP. Again, we all still get on with her ex, her DP is fine with this. Christmas day, both the ex and his Mum phoned her to say Happy Christmas. Her DP did not bat an eyelid.

Me - granted, DP and I have been together a long time, I have only one serious ex from when DP and I separated for a while when I was in my early twenties. We remained friends, and he and DP became very good buddies. A few months back, I was very upset due to a bereavement, had a night when DP had to work, my family and friends were all busy, so I was upset and spending the night alone. DP (unbeknownst to me) rang up this ex, who arrived with a bottle of wine to keep me company and let me cry on his shoulder.

Why are you letting this man control you? Why are afraid to disagree with him? You say you do not want to alienate your friends. Well, unfortunately, this seems to be exactly what he wants.

jessjessjess · 02/01/2013 01:54

No OP it's not normal at all. DH is friends with a few of his exes and I think it's a good sign that they still want to know him! I am quite friendly with one of them. I'm still mates with one of my exes and while I am certainly not in touch with my abusive ex we do have some mutual friends. DH wouldn't expect me to cancel if we were invited to the same social event. He just wouldn't. We don't tell each other who we are allowed to see.

There's a reason why everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. It's because it's true.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 02/01/2013 01:55

Why did you namechange?

EldritchCleavage · 02/01/2013 02:02

Sounds as though your DP is very controlling and also, thinks this is a good way of driving a wedge between you and your friend. It's working, too.

Megatron · 02/01/2013 04:03

I have never said LTB on here before but you really do need to. This man will ruin your life.

Unfortunately I suspect that you will not and that in a couple of years you will have no one around you except your current P.

Arion · 02/01/2013 04:24

Seriously 7, listen to what everyone is saying. You're in AIBU not relationships, and EVERYONE is in agreement. Do you know how rare that is on here?

The only time a DP has any right to say no to you seeing someone is if you've been emotionally or physically unfaithful, and a line is drawn with no more contact agreed.

You are an adult, why should he dictate who you can and can't see? He is not your parent, or your superior, you are supposed to be equal.

SaraBellumHertz · 02/01/2013 06:18

I can only echo what everyone else has said: your DP is abusive.

You dated your ex whilst split from your current p, right? I'm going to guess that your ex was a far better, kinder man; more liked by your friends and made you happy but that you dumped him when your now current partner clicked his fingers and agreed to giving the current relationship another chance?

I'd also bet my last fiver that the reason you initially split from your current P was because he was abusive/cheated

CwtchesAndCuddles · 02/01/2013 09:31

I was married to a very controlling man, it was subtle to begin with but got worse over the years - eventually I had lost all my friends and avoided my family "because it was easier". I was always walking on eggshells because he would sulk or make my life miserable if things were not as he wanted.

I had a lightbulb momment one day and decided to do what I wanted to, I refused to let him control me. Within a year he met OW and left me - it was the best thing that could have heppened to me!

Please think very carefully about your relationship with this man - he will not change.

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