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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family Wedding

27 replies

Pickle2013 · 01/01/2013 15:43

Have NC.
Dsis has been planning her wedding for this summer. Have just found out about plans 'excluding' my DD as part of the wedding and instead a guest. Want to know AIBU?
So as not to drip-feed, dysfunctional family and I only have contact with Dsis.
Dsis has four DNep/niec in total. The eldest (Dbro's) DN (9) will be a page boy and DNiec (7) a flower girl. My DD (3) hasn't been included. I don't expect to dictate anyones wedding however, I think if you've only 4 DN then include all or not at all.
I'm quite hurt my DD isn't included as part of the ceremony, just a guest when cousins are flower girl and page boy.
Other DNiec is only 5months old and will be under a year at the time of the wedding so understand not including a baby that's not walking/talking and her baby wasn't born when other Dsis was planning the wedding.
AIBU to not go as I feel DD is being snubbed? whilst cousins are favoured and don't want my child around this.
It's awkward enough with avoiding rest of family. To simply say whilst it is her wedding and she can do what she wants, as DD isn't important enough to be part of ceremony, I'd prefer for her to not be a guest than see the exclusion herself (Ok, unlikely to notice it at just over 3yrs but I will and don't want her to grow-up and feel second best).
Bro is very domineering and Dsis wouldn't ever not include his children but happy to exclude mine.
It happens every year; my DD birthday, christmas, card and presents always months late but Dsis can always manage to see Dbros children for their birthdays/christmas eventhough they're 100s of miles away and we're always bottom of the list.
I don't want DD feeling excluded and always a second thought to Dsis (the man she's marrying has no DNs) and although not going to her wedding will most likely cause us to then not have anything to do with each other I think that may well be better than letting DD grow-up around this and us always being sloppy seconds!
After another christmas with no card or present and 'we'll drop them off next year' it's the final straw I think (they know DD will have no other card or present from family other than her Mum and Dad of course).
DD lives under an hour away from Dsis and sees her a few times a year - we go over to hers a couple/few times a year, she'll come over once. So not particularly close but same for her and Dbro although they live several hours away from each other - she'll visit them 1/2 times a year and Dbro will visit 1/2 times a year so again not particularly close to her other DN's but will always see them on one of the DCs birthdays (same month) and christmas - neither is forgotten unlike my DD's.
AIBU?

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 15:50

The eldest (Dbro's) DN (9) will be a page boy and DNiec (7) a flower girl. My DD (3) hasn't been included

Ages I'm afraid - a 9 and 7yo are more likely to behave, not be fractious as 3/4yo may.

Some people find toddlers 'cute' - others don't.

Maybe she only wants one of each. Maybe she wants a wedding, not a circus.

I'm in the 'it's her wedding' camp I'm afraid.

And a 3/4yo won't have have the ability to be 'excluded' unless you make a song and dance about it.

With multiple siblings, you will have closer relationships with one or more than with the others. This may be down to gender bias, age differences, or things in common.

If you don't want to go, then don't go.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2013 15:54

Your sister may well feel that your DD is too young, which is a perfectly reasonable attitude.
The back story is a different matter. Don't use your DD as the excuse reason you don't go.

FuckityFuckFuck · 01/01/2013 15:55

I would think it is more about the ages of the children. A 3 y/o would need lot more loooking after than a 9 and a 7 y/o.

Maybe she only wants one of each

It's her wedding and it's up to her.

And surely a 3 y/o is not going to feel excluded unless you make it clear to her that is what is happening. She will, I presume, still get a nice outfit from you for the day, and will have fun playing with her cousins the rest of the day?

HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 16:00

O/T when people say they have a dysfunctional family and only talk to one person, but the rest of the family get along ok, I often wonder who is the dysfunctional one.

TBH OP, for whatever reason, you only talk to one person in your family, who has closer ties with the rest of the family anyway - you don't really want to go and are looking for excuses. You are projecting all of your personal issues onto your DD, who really won't give a rats arse about anything.

So my advice, don't go. You don't have anything to do with them, why would you want to be in their company?

TidyDancer · 01/01/2013 16:05

Sounds very much like it is about age, and not favouritism. If the baby of the cousins was included in the wedding, you would have a case. As it stands, I understand the B&G's perspective if it is the fact that your DD is younger.

I think you may very well have blown this out of proportion.

It's also a bit ridiculous that you are considering your DD feeling left out as well.

mrsjay · 01/01/2013 16:08

sorry but tbh i think it is the older childrens ages and nothing about your daughter not everybody wants a toddler doing flower girl she has 1 of each of the children i am assuming she is having adult bridesmaids as well , I think YABU dont let it get to you or you will be seething by the time of the wedding,

thegreylady · 01/01/2013 16:46

I think it is age related. Not many under 5s can be relied on to behave properly in a formal situation like that.
Buy your dd a pretty dress and a silver horseshoe to give to the bride for luck-make sure there is a photo of that and enjoy the wedding :-)

Mrsrudolphduvall · 01/01/2013 16:53

Definitely age related.
You sound like the one who will be forever telling your dd that she was "overlooked"...your dd will neither know or care.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 01/01/2013 16:57

Yabu - I wouldnt even want my own dd at 3yo as a flower girl / bridesmaid. They pick their noses, run around, make lots of noise, get hyped up on sugar or overwhelmed at the pressure of the role. No thanks.

You need to get a grip, to be totally honest. Your dd will only ever think she is thought less of by the family if you insist on peddaling this notion.

Also, as a last word, their day their way.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/01/2013 16:57

Get. Over. Yourself.

I am having my own DD as flowergirl in July. She will be 4.5. I am nervous about how she will act.

Its an age thing. Its her wedding. It would cost another £100 for your DD to be flowergirl and she might not even do whats expected on the day as 3 yos are so unpredictable.

mrsjay · 01/01/2013 17:07

Buy your dd a pretty dress and a silver horseshoe to give to the bride for luck-make sure there is a photo of that and enjoy the wedding :-)

do this it is a lovely gesture I had my cousins dd give me a horseshoe at my wedding it was nice.

FWIW i had my own dd as a flowergirl at my wedding it was a short wedding and not a church she was bored picked her nose faffed with her dress moaned and didnt want pictures taking good job she was mine

mrsjay · 01/01/2013 17:07

oh she was a week off 3

YouOldTinsellySlag · 01/01/2013 17:23

YABU. I wouldn't include a 3yo in my wedding party either but I would invite them.

Your daughter will not feel "second best" unless you make her feel that way. Don't be a grinch and DO attend the wedding.

FWIW I didn't invite my sister's daughter to be a bridesmaid at my wedding as she was only two (and a screamer). My sister announced that she had bought DN a lovely bridesmaid's dress and was very pissed off when I told her I wasn't having any BMs. My sister left immediately after the ceremony and boycotted the rest of the wedding. I have never forgiven her.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 01/01/2013 17:25

Oh and I second graylady's suggestion- your DD can still wear a pretty dress and give the bride a horseshoe.

Believe me, brides rarely want to have to supervise or worry about a 3 year old on their wedding day.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/01/2013 17:30

Yes, you DS may also think a 3/4 year old is too young to understand what is going on.... I know I would

EuroShagmore · 01/01/2013 18:04

YABU. It's her wedding. And frankly a three year old probably cannot be relied upon to behave in the way that the older children can. You are making this about her, when it most likely is not at all.

FestiveElement · 01/01/2013 18:07

Your dd is unlikely to feel excluded unless you tell her she is being excluded. Three year olds don't have pre existing perceptions of wedding etiquette.

I think you have reason to be annoyed about the other things, but not the wedding. Your sister sounds like she is closer to the other children, and more to the point, they are old enough to have an actual role and not have tantrums at photo taking time.

What are you actually expecting your dd to do? If you're expecting her to walk down the aisle then YABVU, there is no reason why your sister should make plans for something that may or may not happen dependent on the mood of a three year old. Of you just want to be able to put her in a cute white dress and carry on as you would if your dd is a guest or in the wedding party, then you should just ask if they mind you dressing her up, but be gracious if they say no.

SarahWarahWoo · 01/01/2013 18:10

YABU, it's her wedding, her choice. Your dd won't give a sh@£ and quite frankly why should you?

RedToothbrush · 01/01/2013 18:15

Shes THREE.

YABU. This is about you and your jealously, and not your daughter who probably won't even really get it anyway.

Perhaps you should start by stopping comparing cousins and treating everyone as individuals. Its not a competition. You are making it one.

Kundry · 01/01/2013 18:56

I had 2 3-yr-olds as my bridesmaids at my wedding on the basis that they would be coming anyway. misbehave terribly and they might as well do that in outfits of my choosing.

However a lot of my friends thought I was mad having bridesmaids that young so your DSis may well feel similar and have picked a different age group.

I also look back at my wedding pics and am upstaged in every single one by 2 v cute 3 yr olds - this was not what I planned at all!

Essentially it's your DSis's wedding so her rules. However if your DD wasn't invited at all, I think you would be fully entitled to ask her why.

RubyrooUK · 01/01/2013 19:23

I agree with everyone else. My son was a toddler when my BIL and SIL got married. He wasn't part of the wedding. Their other nephew (bride's side of the family) who was just a year older was included.

Was my son not part of the wedding party because he was too young? Or because the bride is closer to her nephew than my son?

Ultimately it doesn't matter. DH would never have brought it up to his brother because it was their wedding and their choice. I was pleased we could be more flexible about our movements and not caught up the wedding party stress!

As for the other stuff, perhaps your brother and sister are simply closer? My DH is much closer to his sister than his brother even though we all live miles apart; it's just their personalities. He loves his brother but they don't talk often whereas he might chat often to his sister. Is it possible your brother and sister are just quite close?

Chunkymumma · 01/01/2013 19:45

YANBU my dd was 2 1/2 when she was a flower girl for my friend and was really well behaved. Yes it's your sisters wedding and ultimately her decision, but she is being a bit unfair in her treatment of you and your family in general I think.

yousmell · 01/01/2013 19:46

Your toddler is too young probably. I wouldn't take offence in your shoes and instead dress toddler up like a bridesmaid with crown just for fun.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 01/01/2013 19:49

Have you ever considered that the distance between you and most of your family might be even partly because you are a self-obsessed whinyarse?

Nishky · 01/01/2013 19:50

Kundry your post made me laugh- I am sure you were not upstaged

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