to tell my mother she can't visit on her own

[photographerlady]

AIBU to tell my mother she can not visit alone this summer when I'm expecting my first child. My mother and I do not get along, I grew up mostly with my dad and when they were together it was a violent and scary place to live. My mother would change mood at the drop of a hat. She would grab for plates and knives, bust windows and scream at the police. I never knew of child services as a kid, my brother and I would cry as my mom would go from telling the police to arrest my father to driving drunk with us in the car to find him. Sometimes leave me in the house for days on own at eight cause she left with my brother and my dad had no idea I was there (police said for him to stay away from the house he had no idea I was there).

As an adult I am struggling to have a relationship with her. They live in another country but we make it about three days til she turns on a dime screaming at me telling me she hopes I live with regret that we aren't close. Couple of months ago my mother called the entire family she overdosed on pills and they rushed her to the hospital, thankfully she was lying but did take quite a few adivan (spelling) a medication she has been abusing for over ten years. My dad is such a buffer in all this, her relationship and mine.

She told me she's coming a month before the baby arrives and coming alone and my dad can come later. I have tried talking to her that I be more comfortable that she come with my father. I am trying to suggest that things will be hard with a newborn, post hospital and breast feeding but she continues to tell me she's coming. Part of me wants to tell her "no you are not coming alone".

She's not coming, and you are not going over there.

Stop discussing it, change the subkect, screen the calls, 'lose' the phone/laptop/carrier pigeon.

When you feel stronger you know you can open up and tell people what was done to you by a terrible and harmful person.

You say that threads like these always go in the favour of the author.

Firstly AIBU is not the most fluffy bunny hunny place on earth [understatement] I often depair at the responses to sensitive topics posted on here, as some posters are downright cruel and relentless in their quest to kick the crap out of someone, no matter the circumstances of the OP.

Please note that NOT ONE person has said anything in support of that thing described as your 'mother'.

Please get some outside real life help, either in counselling, or through your H's family.

If your H knows the truth, what is his opinion about you opening up to his parents for support?

If the vipers posters on here are not all shrieking at you, telling you to try harder with that dreadful woman, why on earth would your in laws?

Remember those that don't have the background you have would think everyone grew up in a perfect childhood. It's time to stop covering up her crimes, it's time to let normal people into your life, nice people to take the place of the toxic.

Your mother will RUIN this for you, you know it and she knows it. THAT'S why she's excited. At the propsect of hurting you.

Keep the good bits of your life away from the bad bits.

I worry that she'll be so awful as to plunge you into PND and really harm the bonding between you and your baby.

Please keep her away. If you can't, let your H screen your calls etc.

Oh dear op, i'm afraid to say you are yet another poor child of a toxic parent
Go to the stately homes thread that i am on, it may help you?

Whatever you feel, always remember you don't have to see her if you don't want to, you are an adult now, free to make your own choices.
See her how often or how little you like, do not feel harrassed by her.
This is your life, you do not have to be bullied anymore

Fingers cross but this won't end well, I warned my husband that she might flip out, take pills and end up in hospital.

She might do that but it wouldn't be your fault. Think about it - someone has the temerity to disagree with her so her reaction wouldn't be to be disappointed, or to be understanding of what you feel you will need at an immensely emotional and vulnerable time for you, but to (fake) a suicide attempt in an attempt to guilt-trip you into doing what she wants.

How unutterably nasty is that? It's flat-out emotional terrorism. It's attention-seeking dramatics on a pathological scale. And, most importantly, it would be her choice as a (selfish, manipulative and emotionally abusive) adult.

And you're an adult too. You have the right to decide who joins you in your home and who will be there when you give birth. You are allowed to say "No". I understand that your entire family is involved in the dynamic of appeasing your mother and walking on eggshells around her; it's what you've grown up with. But that doesn't make it right nor does it mean that you cannot turn your back on that kind of game.

Do NOT let her visit. At all, at least until your baby is several weeks old.

She will stress you out. Stress hormones kill off oxytocin, which is needed for speeding up labour and for letting down breastmilk. In short if she is around you risk a long, damaging labour ending in an emergency c section followed by a lower chance of establishing breastfeeding. This might sound dramatic but you are potentially putting your health and your baby's life at risk if you choose to allow yourself to be highly stressed around the time of birth.

It sounds awful, a toxic situation which you have been subjected to for so long you have lost touch with normal behaviour and forgotten any boundaries. Now is the time to take a stand, claim back power and put your baby first. Be kind to yourself, not her. Good luck.

Do not let her visit. Not before the baby is born, but after, either. If you have to stop talking to her, so she doesn't know plans for the birth, then do that. But you really will not need this shit with a new baby.

She sounds like she has a serious mental health issue, to be honest.

Put you and your baby first.

Of course you don't have to humour her. She is an adult , and what she does is her own responsibility . And if she has a mental health condition which makes her act dangerously, then that's an even bigger reason why she must not be around when you and your baby are both at your most vulnerable.

Tell her no, she isn't coming before the birth, she isn't coming after the birth, and if she visits she'll need to stay in a hotel. Tell your in-laws why you don't want your mother there. They can put her up if they are that concerned about interfering with your relationship.

I would be tempted to tell everyone a due date which is 3 weeks later than the actual date, just to give yourself a bit longer without being hassled.

It's time to put your new baby first. Having your mother there will not only be hugely upsetting for you, it sounds potentially dangerous. You cannot trust your mother to behave safely around your baby.

stop even thinking of her coming to stay, ever!
this is a good time to establish boundaries.

my mum is seriously mentally ill. she/her illness has ruled our family for nearly sixty years. even my dad is afraid of her moods. although behind the mh she used to love us, we needed boundaries that we could never really set. that's because there's no such thing as a person with mh issues - its always a family. one person makes the whole family the victim of mental illness.

you don't want that for your baby. with your dh, set clear boundaries for your whole family, including your mum.

she might well take pills and end up in hospital - my dad reminded me last week that my mum has attempted suicide seven times the hospital know about plus twice we dealt with ourselves (he said, 'do you remember? you found her. we walked her about for ages until she came round' i'd forgotten until her reminded me - that's how unremarkable it was. i was eighteen. the one i remember was christmas eve when i was ten, looking for santa with my six year old brother to distract him from thinking about whether or not she would survive that night's overdose.) that's her exercising control over the family, not a 'cry for help', just a cry for her own way, again. its her problem. its my mum's problem, its your mum's problem and it isn't my problem and it isn't yours.

separate yourself. it will make her angry but it will give you a real life of your own.

You must tell your pil as well why as otherwise she might cause problems there too. It will be a great support for you, and unless they have lived in a bubble they must have heard of things like this. My pils were taken aback at my and my parents lack of affection but after watching and hearing them talk, felt I had to explain no one ever cuddled anyone in our house even when small, and I had vivid memories of being pushed away at a young age. My pils are very supportive now, and don't nag on. They are also not in fairyland and expect a fabulous about face of behaviour. It's not Oprah and its too late now.

Don't let her be there. Just say no, and make sure it's on your notes. If she arrives she cannot stay. If she throws a tantrum call the police yourself. The stress of it is not good for your unborn so tell her to go through your dh in future.

There isn't any middle ground where people like your mother are concerned. Don't waste your time trying to please everyone, just do what is right for you and your baby.

It's good that your DH is on board, but I agree with other posters who say your PIL should be made aware of the reasons behind your decision. At the moment their instinct is to empathise with a grandparent who is being shut out without good reason because they have no information to the contrary, the instant they know the facts I will bet that the instinct to protect their grandchild will lead them to support your choice.

If you doubted that you are doing the right thing then the simple fact that she is harassing you already, months before the baby is due, should tell you that you ARE doing the right thing. SHE WILL attempt to make your pregnancy, birth and parenting experience all about HER. You don't need to let that happen love, let her rant and rave if she likes. This is about you, your DH and your baby.