to tell my mother she can't visit on her own

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AIBU to tell my mother she can not visit alone this summer when I'm expecting my first child. My mother and I do not get along, I grew up mostly with my dad and when they were together it was a violent and scary place to live. My mother would change mood at the drop of a hat. She would grab for plates and knives, bust windows and scream at the police. I never knew of child services as a kid, my brother and I would cry as my mom would go from telling the police to arrest my father to driving drunk with us in the car to find him. Sometimes leave me in the house for days on own at eight cause she left with my brother and my dad had no idea I was there (police said for him to stay away from the house he had no idea I was there).

As an adult I am struggling to have a relationship with her. They live in another country but we make it about three days til she turns on a dime screaming at me telling me she hopes I live with regret that we aren't close. Couple of months ago my mother called the entire family she overdosed on pills and they rushed her to the hospital, thankfully she was lying but did take quite a few adivan (spelling) a medication she has been abusing for over ten years. My dad is such a buffer in all this, her relationship and mine.

She told me she's coming a month before the baby arrives and coming alone and my dad can come later. I have tried talking to her that I be more comfortable that she come with my father. I am trying to suggest that things will be hard with a newborn, post hospital and breast feeding but she continues to tell me she's coming. Part of me wants to tell her "no you are not coming alone".

My mother is wonderful and has always been there for me.... But there is absolutely no chance on this earth that I would have invited her to be at the birth of my child.

It is NOT a right of grandparents to be there. They have had their chance with their own children.

Honestly, you need to keep her away from you as much as you can. You will in a very vulnerable state before during and especially after the birth of your baby: she could have a very negative effect on you during this time. I think you'd be much better off putting your foot down and saying that IF she has to come down, she WILL be bringing someone else and it will be x weeks after the birth, when you are ready. And it will be for a set amount of time that you are comfortable with. You'll need your husband there to back you up (not because you need a man there, but because you will be recovering physically and have a lot of hormones and emotions flying around and may feel too tired to tell her to do one).

Here's the thing about relatives like her: people can only understand if they've had one themselves. It's easy for them to throw around accusations of selfishness when they haven't been there. You know your mother and what she is like. Trust your judgement. You are the one having this baby and it isn't a democratic decision among your in laws and your relatives about if she should come down: it's up to you.

Op I know it's hard but you can do this - either stand up to her and tell her flat out no visitors until you invite them, or lie. Lie about which hospital it's at, tell her you are on doctors orders for bed rest and no visitors, whatever you need to say.

After my mum was massively negative around the birth of my first child, I lied about the due date of the second and told her it was much later than it was, so I could have some peace without her bugging me and wanting to turn up.

I found that having children helped me stand up to toxic family members and reduce their influence on me. This woman certainly doesn't deserve anything from you and if she's putting pressure on you now, time to nip it in the bud I say.

Hi OP,

Are your in laws/own family from a culture where parents attend births?
It is not that common for GP's to attend births in the UK.

Is it not possible to try and give some background to your in laws if you get on with them, so they would support you?

Sounds awful, good luck

Even the best parents in the world don't have the legal or moral right to see their grandchildren. Don't believe the pressure from other people.

Op as others have said you should not see her at all. Shes abusive and controlling. Personally I would not want her anywhere near me or my child. I think you have to stop tip toeing around her and tell her straight. It sounds like the whole family dance to her tune! I appreciate that you dont want to loose contact with the other members of your family but I think you need to bite the bullet. If you let her come she will then come again and perhaps when the baby is older will want to babysit. Would you be happy to leave your baby with this woman bearing in mind how she treated you as a child. Sorry but I think you have to protect your baby, however difficult it might be! Good Luck x

Oh and also I would tell the in-laws about your childhood.

What Festive said. Not to be too melodramatic, but what happens in this first pregnancy/birth/postnatal period will dictate every other pregnancy/birth/postnatal period. Whether you have a calm pregnancy, natural birth (your mother will not help with oxytocin release!), whether you can bf with her going on, whether you get PND - youve got to circle the wagons now and say no visit, not at all. Get your inlaws on side- it just takes a tear or two on your MIL's shoulder and a hint at some of your OP and she will be onside.

Get your DH to filter calls/emails. Say no and stick to it.

You really need to tell your in laws why you aren't happy to have your mother around, other wise, to them you just might look unreasonable. Anyone who would blame you for your mother's abuse of you as a child doesn't deserve to be in your life anyway. Tell them, and then tell your mother that should she darken your door at any point in the first couple of months of your child's life, you will call the police, like she used to do to your father. She abdicated her rights when she abused you.

Sweety, I would sit your H and his family down and calmly explain, totally matter of fact, about your childhood, even if all you do is print out your OP and show it to them.

They will not judge you. No SANE person would.

People who have not lived through what you have, will have no conception whatsoever of what you are trying to deal with. They will be horrified, upset and angry, but not at you darling, never at you.

You can tell the woman who gave birth to you (she's not deserving of the title of mother)that you make the decisions in your life now.

when you hold your little one in your arms, you'll begin to see the evil she has done you, you'll understand our sadness and shock at what you have had to bear.

We all of us here want what's best for you, and that is that your 'mother' stay as far away from you and your baby for the rest of eternity.

I bet she doesn't believe in Karma, or she'd be crappinhg herself, with good reason.

You have to put your foot down and say No.

You have to say no - the early post natal days are such a vulnerable time. She will ruin them for you, you have to be firm now. So sorry you're beig put under this pressure. :(

I had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up, all that changed after I had a baby and we have really good relationship now so I started reading your post expecting to be able to put in a good word for your Mum about how things might improve.

But no, there is nothing there worth salvaging, I would recommend cutting off all contact, not worth it.

Stop thinking of yourself as a daughter....and start thinking of yourself as the mother of your own child.

As the mother of that baby,it is in the best interests of both yourself and that new baby to begin your own life-long relationship as well as possible.

And that means excluding your toxic mother from interfering with your precious bonding time.

So,if you can't tell her to stay away for your sake,do it for the sake of your precious little one.

I get on fine with my mother and my mother-in-law but a few days at a time in a house with either of them is more than enough, and there is no way I would have wanted either of them at the birth of my DCs.

I was living overseas when I had the DCs, and even with DC1, they waited until I was ready before coming over to visit, which was when DC1 was about six weeks old and we had settled into breast feeding etc.

You just need to be strong and say that you will tell her when you want/ are ready for visitors, and put a strict time limit on it - two weeks absolutely tops, if she is coming a long way, but preferably less. She sounds like a very unhealthy person to have around, who will probably undermine your parenting, so the less time she spends with you the better.

Maybe you could explain to your MIL why your childhood was so hard. The honesty might make you closer.

Simply tell mother she isn't staying with you. The most importnat thing is you bonding with the baby. She will ruin the early days if you are not firm.

In the future give her a different due date. 6 weeks after.

also you can write in your notes that you do not want to see your mother in hospital and the hospital will have to abide by this.

Tell her that a month before is out if the question because you will be working still and getting home ready and that you would love or her AND your father to come for a few days a couple of weeks after the birth. If she refuses then ask why she is being unreasonable and speak to your Dad, if that fails then go away for a few days when she is scheduled to arrive? it's really not on.

Good luck and enjoy the special time with your new born xx

Tell her she can't visit at all.

Put your baby first, your DC doesn't need that sort of bull shit in their lives at all.

She has abused you to the point where you feel unable to protect yourself against her, even now you are an adult.

All you need to know is that it is YOUR choice to have her stay or not.
It is NOT her decision to make.
I personally would never talk to her again, ever, set the precedence now, it wil make it easier to ignore her pleas or accusations.
SHE is the one who has made this relationship what it is today, there is nothing a child can do that would make a loving, good mother treat her children that way, NOTHING.

It is time for you to think about what kind of people you want around your precious brand new baby,, you have to be strong and cut the rot out, otherwise she will tar your first special moments with your baby.
You want better than her as a grandmother don't you? your baby deserves better, and no grandmother is better than her, trust me.

This new little life is to begin thanks to you and DH. It is for the two of you to be there to experience and enjoy its arrival in this world. Lovely for family to arrive and celebrate with you later, but this is your time together.
Your mother (I'm sorry) sounds a bit toxic and you do not need anything there to spoil this precious unique moment in your lives.
It's irrelevant what anyone else says, it's you having this baby. Do it the way you want.
Sadly you can't chose your relatives, but you can chose when to tell them to naff off! You owe your mother nothing. She sounds like a total control freak, and sadly all the other members of the family play along for an easy life.
Good luck

Thank you for the advice it's a lot to consider and when will be the best time to have them visit. I talked with the DH and he said he back me. If I can convince my mother to to come wil mid aug or September maybe they won't come seeing we are
Going over there in dec. Fingers cross but this won't end well, I warned my husband that she might flip out, take pills and end up in hospital.

why are you still considering letting them come at all? If she wants to take pills thats up to her. Shes not your responsibilty but your new baby is.

It's hard she is texting me every day, calling my phone endlessly and everyone keeps telling me I need to humor her. My dads excited but that's completely squashed by her behaviour. I have stopped answering my phone and texts but they don't stop. I guess I am trying to find a middle ground but I don't think there is any.

You´re not due until the Summer & she´s harrassing you already??

She´s excited, but that´s no excuse!

Tell her you will let her know after baby is here?

You don´t need to humour her btw.

And as her enabler, I wouldn´t be feeling much sympathy for your dad either tbh.