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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I didn't cheat on my boyfriend?

30 replies

puulpfiction · 31/12/2012 04:26

I had to work abroad for the last three months and I was seeing my boyfriend at the time. We had only been together 4 months and we knew I would be away for at least 3 months.

He constantly told me that it was ok for me to sleep with someone whilst I was away. This comment did hurt me because no one wants their partners to be ok with them being with someone else.

We decided to stay together and try and make things work. There was a big time difference and he would take days to reply to emails, or be tired when I called etc. We decided to go on a break because things obviously weren't working.

I then met someone and had a fling with them. I really liked them, but after I moved back things ended (again because of distance).

My boyfriend got back in touch (he knew I'd been seeing someone else) and we've been out a few times together. We are kind of seeing each other again.

However I've found out that he's told people that we broke up because I was in his words "shagging around."

I really don't feel like I cheated ....

But I'm sure, maybe my judgement is slightly clouded, so aibu?

OP posts:
MoleyMick · 31/12/2012 04:29

YANBU. You were on a break!!
He sounds odd and not very nice though. I wouldn't like his attitude.

SquinkiesRule · 31/12/2012 04:49

You didn't cheat, but he wants everyone to think you did. Gives him something to hold over you maybe? He doesn't sound very nice at all. Why would you want to be with someone who has started crap already when you've only been back together a very short while?
I'd like to be first to say LTB

SquinkiesRule · 31/12/2012 04:50

Gaslighting?

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 31/12/2012 04:55

You were seeing him, then you were seeing someone else, now you're back together.

That's not shagging around, and even if you'd had a rugby club every night how dare he go around telling people?!

Sack him off, he's not worth the hassle

Hegsy · 31/12/2012 05:06

YANBU get rid!

LetsKateWin · 31/12/2012 05:21

YANBU. Don't allow him to make you feel like the baddie. It's early days, so a food time for you to think about whether or nit to put up with this kind of behaviour.

LetsKateWin · 31/12/2012 05:22

'good' not 'food'

ThreeWheelsGood · 31/12/2012 05:42

I agree with Squinkies about gaslighting, he sounds toxic, don't get back with him! You were not "shagging around"and that's a gross phrase for him to use about someone he's supposed to like.

Damash12 · 31/12/2012 05:51

No you didn't cheat but I don't think it matters either way as this guy sounds a prat so I'd walk away. Ps are you sure he's not covering up his own playing around???

SirBoobAlot · 31/12/2012 05:52

He sounds horrible. Drop him.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/12/2012 06:02

Yuck.

He's looking for a simple explanation that doesn't involve trying to understand why things didn't work, or take any responsibility for lack of effort or enthusiasm. The fact he's blaming you though, suggests he sees you as less than him, as lucky to be with him and expandable. Not a great catch.

yousmell · 31/12/2012 07:53

Initially telling you that you could sleep with others was really him saying he wanted to sleep with others and it would be OK. Having a break was the sensible thing to do.

Hes now worming out of his responsibility. It's really bad that he has lied to people and I really wouldn't bother with him unless he comes clean to his friends about what really happened.

How did you find out he had been spreading rumors?

supergreenuk · 31/12/2012 08:16

YANBU
He doesn't sound very nice. Firstly saying you can see people while away gives him free reign to see people too. Secondly telling people lies about you. Not nice. Hmm

ZillionChocolate · 31/12/2012 08:50

YANBU

Why are you still in this relationship?

  1. In the early days honeymoon period you met someone you really liked. That suggests to me that you don't like this bloke all that much.
  2. He's treating you badly.
peaceandlovebunny · 31/12/2012 08:51

get rid of him.

what a morning. not quite 9am and i've already recommended the end of two relationships. sometimes i wonder...

anyway, your fellow sounds revolting. tells you to have sex with other people? tells your community you've been shagging around? he's got some kind of weirdo sex issue. does he want to be your pimp?

really, get rid.

BonkeyMollocks · 31/12/2012 08:54

Leave the bastard ....quickly !!

What a arse !

nilbyname · 31/12/2012 08:54

He is telling people you were "shagging around"?? what a charmer!

Dump him, what a nasty person.

rainbow2000 · 31/12/2012 09:05

I think morenjoy yourself a bit. than likely its him who has been putting it about.And now hes trying to shift the blame on to you.Just get rid and e

financialwizard · 31/12/2012 09:09

Get rid. What a wanker.

DontmindifIdo · 31/12/2012 09:13

dump him, you weren't "shagging about" you broke up and then you started dating someone else. That relationship ended and then you two got back together. Now he's trying to rewrite history and if he's prepared to do that now, there's no point continuing with him.

It does sound like he was 'testing your love' for him, he told you you could sleep with other people, you didn't. Then he didn't act in a responsive manner or put any effort in making the relationship work whileyou were away, so you ended the relationship. Then you dated someone else, it sounds like what you were supposed to do was beg him to take you back, cry in a foreign country for your one true love and generally act like he was the centre of the world. What you did was find someone else. Perhaps all his "you can sleep with someone else" or "we should break up" was really him wanting permission to sleep around when you were away, he wanted it to be ok for him to cheat on you, but for you to do the same has upset him, you were supposed to just pine for him until you could be together again (I'm guessing he didn't find anyone else who wanted him while you were away, that might be at the bottom of the problem). At the point you dated this other bloke your current DP was actually your exboyfriend. An ex doesn't get to complain when you sleep with someone else.

I would end this relationship, make it clear you are not on a break or just having some distance, it's ended so you are both free to shag whomever you like.

Then go find someone less needy.

CecilyP · 31/12/2012 09:35

If he really did tell people that you were 'shagging around', whether you 'cheated' or not (no you didn't!) is the least of your worries; this boyfriend does not sound very nice at all. If he said you finished for a while because you met someone else, it would have been inaccurate, but at least it wouldn't have been quite so nasty. I would also recommend finishing with him too.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree · 31/12/2012 09:40

Not only did you not cheat but you were not 'shagging around' if you were with only one person in the meantime.

Sounds like he's tried to avoid losing face by making you out to be the bad guy!

Ditch him.

Montybojangles · 31/12/2012 09:40

First he tells you it's ok to sleep with someone while away (code for I'm going to do so if I can while your abroad), then he claims you have shagged around when you were separated. What a charmer!
Why on earth would you care what a complete twonk like this thinks. Please don't waste yourself on trash like this.
And no, you didn't cheat.

CaptChaos · 31/12/2012 09:44

Dump the loser. If he's telling his friends that you had a break because you were 'shagging around', when it was for very different reasons, then it will excuse any amount of bad behaviour toward you when he is with these friends.

Run, run for the hills and don't look back!

HecatePropolos · 31/12/2012 09:46

I agree with monty about it being code. I bet he was shagging about all over the place and probably planned to and that's what all the sleep with someone else crap was about.

Now he's saying this about you and acting like he's forgiven you?

I think you're nuts to stay with him.

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