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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he? smoking related.(sorry long)

35 replies

shotofexpresso · 30/12/2012 21:12

ok may be a bit waffly.

I quit for about 3 years did pretty well, I was a smoker when my DP started going out with me and I quit when I fell pregnant by accident and was told if I ever started smoking again it was over.
As much as smoking is bad I feel like I was a doormat to give in to the demand but I was v. young (under 20 with my first). and felt reliant.
5 years later I have just had my 2nd.
I had a traumatic birth, dp went home during labour to catch up on some sleep so I was on my own the nurse button got wedged behind the bed and I was left screaming ,
in the dark, by the time anyone found me I had given birth.
My first question was 'have I haemorraghed'?.
I have to look down to see what gender the baby was (was a surprise) I wanted the 'its a boy/girl' moment I feel so angry and traumatised that I didn't get that.

because my dp said he couldn't have anytime off work when I cam home so I came home to a 3 year old and a newborn had no time to recover i'm exhausted, one day I snapped and had a fag.
Understandably he's not happy which I get but Im constantly getting the
'if you start smoking again I'm not sticking around'which I feel is manipulative and mean considering the circumstances plus Its not like its in the house etc.
AIBU?

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 30/12/2012 21:18

YABU in smoking and increasing the risk of giving yourself many different illnesses, some of which can lead to premature death. You are puttng yourself at a greater risk of leaving your children without a mother.

However, your DP is being unreasonable in blackmailing you into stopping smoking. If you want to stop YOU have to decide. Who the hell does he think he is? He should concentrate a little more on giving you some support with your young children.

He's an arse for leaving you during labour so that he could rest.

I'm amazed that you were screaming during the birth and nobody came to check on you. Shocking.

NatashaBee · 30/12/2012 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apostropheuse · 30/12/2012 21:21

Sorry, confused here, you said "five years later I have just had my second" then went on to say you came home from hospital to a newborn and a three year old?

Shakey1500 · 30/12/2012 21:22

Bloody hell. If having a cigarette helped ease some of the trauma you've had then all power to your elbow.

YANBU.

gordyslovesheep · 30/12/2012 21:23

also you didn't 'snap' you must ave gone out and got some fags with both kids in tow which takes planning

Your husband, from what YOU have said, sounds delightful! but don't use his behaviour as an excuse

Original poster
shotofexpresso · 30/12/2012 21:24

i just noticed that sorry typo 3 years later , been together 5 yrs ignore me lol.

Ino im ashamed I've started again, how should I best deal with it because when I get stressed I need a fag, vicious circle.

OP posts:
OrangeClub · 30/12/2012 21:30

Don't stress about it or beat yourself up about it. No, it's not ideal but it's happened. Did you want to quit smoking or did you pack up for him? Quitting any addiction is hard and you really have to want to stop. For you, not for someone else. You have stopped for three years. You can stop again. If YOU want to, not because you're being told to do so.

festivelyfocussed · 30/12/2012 21:32

COngratulations on the birth of your baby.
My personal experience of stopping smoking was that I found Allen Carr's book (not the comedian) "easy way to stop smoking" very helpful. This was after many previous attempts to quit. This was 4 years ago and I never have the urge to smoke now. Your DP's approach is not going to help so shame on him.
Also, I would ask your midwife/ health visitor or GP to refer you for post delish counselling. Most hospitals for this service as it's very common to suffer with pts after a traumatic delivery.

festivelyfocussed · 30/12/2012 21:33

Delish???!! Delivery. Sorry for autocorrect error.

BigShinyBaubles · 30/12/2012 21:37

The more stressed you get about starting again the more you will want to smoke.
I gave up after a heart scare last july so I know how tough it can be to quit.
I agree with Festive, ask your HV or GP for some advice and good luck.

Fairyegg · 30/12/2012 21:49

I too almost gave birth by myself in the labour ward (dh husband in hospitial cafe, midwife call button out of reach, no one heard me screaming, finally managed to get hold of dh on my mobile , was totally hysterial by this point, wouldn't wish such an experience on anybody). YOu know smoking isn't good for you or your children, however neither is having an unhelpful, unsupportive threatening partner. Why not tell him that for every hour he helps out you won't smoke or something similar? Is he controlling in other ways?

Shellywelly1973 · 30/12/2012 22:01

When i read your post it was if you were excusing your smoking... I would seek help to recover psychologically from a very traumatic sounding birth. Smoking won't help you in the long run, infact the very opposite.

Your dh sounds controlling&very unsupportive.

I see it as two seperate issues.

MajesticWhine · 30/12/2012 22:09

The birth sounds like a really traumatic experience. Have you had the chance of a debrief at the hospital. It's good practice to have this after a difficult birth and can help you to process it and move on.
Your DP is being an arse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I suspect you are feeling quite hard done by at the moment so you are giving yourself permission to smoke as a reward. Is there anything else you can reward yourself with instead of smoking? The cost of cigarettes mounts up, you could buy yourself a treat quite regularly instead.

Original poster
shotofexpresso · 30/12/2012 22:11

True, its not an excuse but its the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
I can't believe how much danger I was left in and then to be punished for it,
Also I told him when I lapsed, many people sneak around in the hope they won't be found out.

its just shit,shit,shit shovelled in my direction and no release,smoking was that release.

What shall I say the next time I get a threat? I don't know how to deal with all of this.

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 30/12/2012 22:16

he sounds like a total dick. How about some compassion or understanding of what you have been though. Seriously if he is worried about smoking at a time like this he needs to reassess his priorities

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 30/12/2012 23:25

Of course it's manipulative. He's not your parent, he's your partner and you are an adult who makes your own choices. Tell him to jog on. He sounds like a dick.

FestiveElement · 30/12/2012 23:31

YANBU. You don't need to give reasons as to why you started smoking again, you are an adult, you don't have to justify yourself. You know the risks of smoking, you know you shouldn't really do it, but if you are smoking outside away from your children then you are doing nothing wrong. You are a grown up in charge of your own body, and if you want to smoke, you are free to make that choice.

FestiveElement · 30/12/2012 23:32

Tell him you don't need his permission, and if he doesn't like it, then it's up to him what he does about it. His reactions are in his control, not yours.

sudaname · 30/12/2012 23:40

He's very supportive isnt he ?

First off leaves while youre in labour for a break - nice work if you can get it - not as if you could stop for a break.

Then he announces he cant have time off when you come home (there's laws against that these days isnt there - equal rights and all that.

Then for good measure he threatens to leave you if you light up again.

My very first non jokey LTB.

Original poster
shotofexpresso · 30/12/2012 23:58

Im a bit surprised at the response on here , I was awaiting a flaming that im a horrible selfish woman who would happily break up a family for a fag.

But I have been through a lot, I feel I shouldn't have to censor who I am and that he can't pick and choose when he 'cares about my welfare'.

In his defence I had been given diamorphine, and the mw's kept saying I wasn't in labour.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 31/12/2012 00:07

Forget the smoking, your DH is a nob.

calmlychaotic · 31/12/2012 00:12

I also gave up using the Alan car book and I would really recommend giving it a try however you need to be in the right frame of mind to give up smoking successfully, you need to be doing it for you. and it doesn't sound like that. you need to sit down and talk to him about this. my dh smokes and I havetried lots of persuasion and threats to get him to give up and I really should know better. you have a new baby and emotions are running high, I don't agree with how he has approached this and I am absolutely not taking his side but perhaps he thinks the threat will work and you'll give up and he hasn't considered how he is upsetting you, has he ever smoked himself?you are going to have to communicate with him to resolve it. congratulations on your new baby and I'm sorry the birth sounds so traumatic.

Imabadmum · 31/12/2012 00:24

Your dp sounds like an utter arse. A selfish, pompous, manipulative arse.

Don't start smoking again. I have finally just given up, after 21 years of being a slave to it. God knows how many hours, or days, or weeks, of my life I have wasted having a fag. Not to mention the money. But you can only stop for good when it's your decision. Not his.

And stressful situations don't go away because you've had a fag. They're still there waiting to be dealt with when you stub the fag out. But in the ime it's taken to have the fag, you could probably have delt with whatever is causing the stress.

I don't think YABU at all. Shie him this thread maybe???

yohohoho · 31/12/2012 05:02

Personally I think yanbu. He is. He is a dick.

If he really hates it that much, helping you deal with your stresses and quit again would be better.

However, he can choose to not be with you for whatever reason he wants. Some people don't want to be with someone that smokes that's his choice.

But he is being a cock. I would see his point if you constantly smoked and made it clear you refuse to ever stop. Then he would need to make the choice to stay or go. The that is occurring needs support not threats.

Damash12 · 31/12/2012 05:47

As much as smoking is bad I feel like I was a doormat to give in to the demand but I was v. young

I think this comment says a lot, I think you smoking again is a way of sticking up 2 fingers at your husband for how he's treated you or not been around when you needed him which I understand as it sounds pretty shit. However, I think you are cutting of your nose to spite your face - the risks involved to you and now your young children outweighs getting back at him and quite frankly it stinks and is vile to breathe on anyone let alone babies/ kids. And yep I am an ex smoker and gave up when I wanted kids and that is bloody hard to do and not to mention the fact I am now expecting ds2 and told husband who had a blip last year and started smoking again he needed to pack up before baby arrived and I don't care it's a selfish thing to do if the partner hates it not to mention the cost. I don't think he is unreasonable but think he was wrong not to be there for you after your baby.