or is he? smoking related.(sorry long)

[shotofexpresso]

ok may be a bit waffly.

I quit for about 3 years did pretty well, I was a smoker when my DP started going out with me and I quit when I fell pregnant by accident and was told if I ever started smoking again it was over.
As much as smoking is bad I feel like I was a doormat to give in to the demand but I was v. young (under 20 with my first). and felt reliant.
5 years later I have just had my 2nd.
I had a traumatic birth, dp went home during labour to catch up on some sleep so I was on my own the nurse button got wedged behind the bed and I was left screaming ,
in the dark, by the time anyone found me I had given birth.
My first question was 'have I haemorraghed'?.
I have to look down to see what gender the baby was (was a surprise) I wanted the 'its a boy/girl' moment I feel so angry and traumatised that I didn't get that.

because my dp said he couldn't have anytime off work when I cam home so I came home to a 3 year old and a newborn had no time to recover i'm exhausted, one day I snapped and had a fag.
Understandably he's not happy which I get but Im constantly getting the
'if you start smoking again I'm not sticking around'which I feel is manipulative and mean considering the circumstances plus Its not like its in the house etc.
AIBU?

[shotofexpresso]

I know smoking is not the answer,

What I need to know how to deal with the ultimatums when I get them?
How to i diffuse the situation?
, I just feel so hopeless , I've been let down massively and now my way of dealing with that is under attack too, I'll end up in an early grave at this point something has to give.

[LouisWalshsChristmasCloset]

Light up and puff away. Yanbu
We all need a stress reliever sometimes if this is yours then so be it. He shouldn't hold it against you, if he does he is a twat.

[shotofexpresso]

I quit for 3 years, and havew been through a hell of a lot in that timje, but this is the straw the broke the camels back and its not unusual to fall back on old vices during rough times, that not an excuse its the truth.

I don't smoke reguarly I literally have one when I'm really in a desperate sate, I have no plans to return to full time smoking, and am going to quit in the new year.
My question is the reaction I'm getting fair, and what I should the next time I get the tirade?
x

[yohohoho]

op just to show you how smoking doesn't help I want to tell you about my week.

I am terrified of flying and fly long haul on average once a year. Its awful. Days before I get upset and stressed.

This year, since quitting, it isn't as bad.

Because part of the reason is going 10-12 hours without a fag. By the time I have queues at the gate and the plane is taking off its about 2 hours since I have had one.

So scared of flying plus being due for a cig is awful. As I don't need to worry about nictoine withdrawls on top of my fear. I feel loads better.

I would usually be smoking 30 a day worrying about flying and getting more stressed. This year, I am scared but not as bad.

I hope that makes sense. It doesn't chill you out. It does temporarily. But then its worse, until you have another.

[Proudnscaryvirginmary]

Your dh's cockishness needs looking at

^ha ha!

I agree, you are not being supported properly by this wally.

Re the actually smoking. Well, my dh smokes after giving up for a year. I am angry and disappointed. I do sometimes snap at him and say something harsh like 'You'll probably keel over and die from a stroke or lung cancer before you're 60' or whatever. But overall, he's an adult, he's his own person, it's his body. I hate it and I think it's selfish when you have kids, but there you go. I'd never give him an ulitmatum over it. That's ridiculous.

But you know what? Stop making excusesabout why you're smoking. That's manipulative and untrue. I'm sorry you had a terrible birth experience, I mean that genuinely, but you started smoking again because you chose to.

[Snorbs]

The reason you have the odd fag is because you want to and you've found an excuse that justifies that choice to yourself. That's how addictions work.

Nobody's refusing you taking a five minute break to calm yourself down. But you could just as productively take five minutes out with a cup of tea or a book.

It's quite possible that part of the reason you're getting so stressed is that the nicotine is running out and that's fuelling the "horrendous states". Again, that's how addictions work - the lack of the drug is so uncomfortable that it causes anxiety and the obvious way to quell that anxiety is to have more of the drug.

As I said, smoke or don't smoke. You're a grown-up, you can make that kind of decision. But at least be clear about why you're doing it (because you want to - everything else is self-justification and window dressing) and be clear that your DP is just as justified in making a decision about whether he wants to be with a smoker or not.

Him or the cigarettes? Which is more important to you?

[yohohoho]

OP still step outside just don't smoke.

Yes he went out with you when you smoked. But he has since decided he does want to be with you if you smoke. It may seem a trivial thing. But essentially he is saying he doesn't want to be with someone who chooses to take part in something that will limit your life span. Possibly limiting greatly.

he is bring a cock. But he can also choose not to be with a smoker if he wants.

I quit smoking this year and still bloody miss it. In fact there is an advert at the moment where a bloke has a coffee and fag in his back garden. The fag has a tumour and its meant to put you off smoking. For me it makes me want one.

So stupid, I know, but I loved that early morning cig. When everything was still quite and kids asleep. I loved sitting out with my coffee and cig.

So I do get how fucking hard it is. And when you are stresses its your fall back. I get that too.

But you don't need it. Your brain is telling you that you do because you are an addict.

Whether you stop or not. Your dhs cockish-ness needs looking at.

[shotofexpresso]

Tbf snorbs the reason I have the oddfag is because I'm so exhausted I would rather have 5 mins to calm myself down the get into a horrendous state infront of the children, if time off is refused , what physically can I do? nothing .

I just have to survive a bad situation, without turning into a fire breathing dragon in front of my kids.

He went out with me when I smoked snorbs? for like a year

I don't want to be a 'smoker' again but for the meantime it helps me get through the day as much as its not right, but I've had a hell of a time.

[Snorbs]

"sacrifice the one thing that keeps me sane"

Sorry, but that's utter bollocks. Stopping smoking isn't a "sacrifice", it's a sensible thing to do. Cigarettes don't "keep you sane". All a cigarette does is quell the anxiety and stress caused by your body running out of nicotine. That's it. The lack of nicotine causes anxiety, and another cigarette stops that anxiety for a short time. It doesn't solve anything else.

Smoke, don't smoke, it's up to you. I'm sorry your birth experience was so horrible. And, yes, your DP does sound like an utter arse for not taking time off work. But these are separate from the smoking issue. That he's an arse doesn't justify your choice to re-start smoking; that's just an excuse to do what you really wanted to do anyway while pinning the blame on someone else.

He did make it clear that if you ever started smoking again then it's over. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with a smoker. He's perfectly entitled to make that kind of boundary for himself (as, indeed, the Mumsnet Massive has regularly said when it's a female OP complaining about her DP re-starting smoking after promising he'd never smoke again).

Is your freedom to smoke more important to you than he is? Which would you rather give up? Answer that question for yourself and the way forward will be obvious.

[shotofexpresso]

I think you might be right there Damash on some level , more I have been awakened to the fact the only person I can rely on is myself so why should I sacrifice the one thing that keeps me sane.

I have spoken to him about what happened or well tried, didn't go too well and just get 'so its my fault?'.

What should I say if I into one of those conversations again. ?

[Damash12]

As much as smoking is bad I feel like I was a doormat to give in to the demand but I was v. young

I think this comment says a lot, I think you smoking again is a way of sticking up 2 fingers at your husband for how he's treated you or not been around when you needed him which I understand as it sounds pretty shit. However, I think you are cutting of your nose to spite your face - the risks involved to you and now your young children outweighs getting back at him and quite frankly it stinks and is vile to breathe on anyone let alone babies/ kids. And yep I am an ex smoker and gave up when I wanted kids and that is bloody hard to do and not to mention the fact I am now expecting ds2 and told husband who had a blip last year and started smoking again he needed to pack up before baby arrived and I don't care it's a selfish thing to do if the partner hates it not to mention the cost. I don't think he is unreasonable but think he was wrong not to be there for you after your baby.

[yohohoho]

Personally I think yanbu. He is. He is a dick.

If he really hates it that much, helping you deal with your stresses and quit again would be better.

However, he can choose to not be with you for whatever reason he wants. Some people don't want to be with someone that smokes that's his choice.

But he is being a cock. I would see his point if you constantly smoked and made it clear you refuse to ever stop. Then he would need to make the choice to stay or go. The that is occurring needs support not threats.

[Imabadmum]

Your dp sounds like an utter arse. A selfish, pompous, manipulative arse.

Don't start smoking again. I have finally just given up, after 21 years of being a slave to it. God knows how many hours, or days, or weeks, of my life I have wasted having a fag. Not to mention the money. But you can only stop for good when it's your decision. Not his.

And stressful situations don't go away because you've had a fag. They're still there waiting to be dealt with when you stub the fag out. But in the ime it's taken to have the fag, you could probably have delt with whatever is causing the stress.

I don't think YABU at all. Shie him this thread maybe???

[calmlychaotic]

I also gave up using the Alan car book and I would really recommend giving it a try however you need to be in the right frame of mind to give up smoking successfully, you need to be doing it for you. and it doesn't sound like that. you need to sit down and talk to him about this. my dh smokes and I havetried lots of persuasion and threats to get him to give up and I really should know better. you have a new baby and emotions are running high, I don't agree with how he has approached this and I am absolutely not taking his side but perhaps he thinks the threat will work and you'll give up and he hasn't considered how he is upsetting you, has he ever smoked himself?you are going to have to communicate with him to resolve it. congratulations on your new baby and I'm sorry the birth sounds so traumatic.

[AmberLeaf]

Forget the smoking, your DH is a nob.

[shotofexpresso]

Im a bit surprised at the response on here , I was awaiting a flaming that im a horrible selfish woman who would happily break up a family for a fag.

But I have been through a lot, I feel I shouldn't have to censor who I am and that he can't pick and choose when he 'cares about my welfare'.

In his defence I had been given diamorphine, and the mw's kept saying I wasn't in labour.

[sudaname]

He's very supportive isnt he ?

First off leaves while youre in labour for a break - nice work if you can get it - not as if you could stop for a break.

Then he announces he cant have time off when you come home (there's laws against that these days isnt there - equal rights and all that.

Then for good measure he threatens to leave you if you light up again.

My very first non jokey LTB.

[FestiveElement]

Tell him you don't need his permission, and if he doesn't like it, then it's up to him what he does about it. His reactions are in his control, not yours.

[FestiveElement]

YANBU. You don't need to give reasons as to why you started smoking again, you are an adult, you don't have to justify yourself. You know the risks of smoking, you know you shouldn't really do it, but if you are smoking outside away from your children then you are doing nothing wrong. You are a grown up in charge of your own body, and if you want to smoke, you are free to make that choice.

[KellyEllyChristmasBelly]

Of course it's manipulative. He's not your parent, he's your partner and you are an adult who makes your own choices. Tell him to jog on. He sounds like a dick.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

he sounds like a total dick. How about some compassion or understanding of what you have been though. Seriously if he is worried about smoking at a time like this he needs to reassess his priorities

[shotofexpresso]

True, its not an excuse but its the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
I can't believe how much danger I was left in and then to be punished for it,
Also I told him when I lapsed, many people sneak around in the hope they won't be found out.

its just shit,shit,shit shovelled in my direction and no release,smoking was that release.

What shall I say the next time I get a threat? I don't know how to deal with all of this.

[MajesticWhine]

The birth sounds like a really traumatic experience. Have you had the chance of a debrief at the hospital. It's good practice to have this after a difficult birth and can help you to process it and move on.
Your DP is being an arse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But I suspect you are feeling quite hard done by at the moment so you are giving yourself permission to smoke as a reward. Is there anything else you can reward yourself with instead of smoking? The cost of cigarettes mounts up, you could buy yourself a treat quite regularly instead.

[Shellywelly1973]

When i read your post it was if you were excusing your smoking... I would seek help to recover psychologically from a very traumatic sounding birth. Smoking won't help you in the long run, infact the very opposite.

Your dh sounds controlling&very unsupportive.

I see it as two seperate issues.

[Fairyegg]

I too almost gave birth by myself in the labour ward (dh husband in hospitial cafe, midwife call button out of reach, no one heard me screaming, finally managed to get hold of dh on my mobile , was totally hysterial by this point, wouldn't wish such an experience on anybody). YOu know smoking isn't good for you or your children, however neither is having an unhelpful, unsupportive threatening partner. Why not tell him that for every hour he helps out you won't smoke or something similar? Is he controlling in other ways?