Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

AIBU?

To give DP hell when he gets home?

128 replies

Hopeandbluebells · 29/12/2012 19:51

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

OP posts:

Report

Delayingtactic · 30/12/2012 02:59

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hopefully he's home now and you can have a proper chat.

Whilst I get that this must be shocking for him and deeply upsetting too, now is not the time for him to get to grips with it. You need support and care for you whilst you undergo treatment for cancer. You need to feel like someone is stood next to you making sure at least your emotional needs are taken care of. Yes this will mean a rethink of future plans but this should at least be partly done together.

A proper chat may mean he sees how his behaviour is particularly hurtful.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2012 03:11

I'm so sorry to hear you have CC & are facing a H. Devastating news :( x

No matter how life changing and upsetting this is for him, it is worse for you. His feelings do not come first, yours do. Stupid, shirking, shit needs a good talking to and a kick up the backside. Jesus wept, he's supposed to be looking after you, protecting you, helping you, supporting you - not moping and whining about fucking New York...and then fucking vanishing. I am so angry at him for doing this to you - your Mum must be ready to kill him with her bare hands.

He needs to grow the fuck up - and fast. If he's going to bring you further down and not support you, he needs to fuck off and make room for people who will be there for you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/12/2012 03:14

Hope I hope you are getting some rest and are able to talk to your DP tomorrow. I've read this thread, alternating between fuming on your behalf, feeling so bad for you, feeling a bit sorry for your DP, and then back to fuming. What a shit time for him to be adding to your emotional quagmire. You have enough emotions and feelings of loss and likely fear to sort out without him adding extra layers if you ask me. But I also understand that this is happening "to him". I hope he has gotten whatever it is out of his system and can sit down with you and hold you and talk with you about your future together.

FWIW (not much really), my mum had a full hysterectomy following a cervical cancer dx and she has been cancer-free for coming up to 20 years now.

Have an un-MN {{{hug}}}

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 30/12/2012 03:15

I'm so sorry. Your lives couldn't really have been turned upside any more could they.

Is this the first time in hos life he's had to deal with something so serious? He does sound like he's struggling to cope. Do he have anyone to talk too? Either way he needs telling how out of order he is being. Yes he's got stuff to deal with but the first priority should be getting you through your surgery.

whatatwat · 30/12/2012 08:15

hey, you are both going through hell, you both need to try to find a way to communicate, some people will find opening up really hard when they . are scared or feeling useless.
how are you this morning?

Ponyinthepool · 30/12/2012 08:46

He's clearly terrified, as anyone in his shoes would be, and he's withdrawing so he can process things without you seeing how petrified he is. It's probably easier for him to focus on the NY side of things than the elephant in the room he has no idea how to confront.

That being said, absolutely give him hell. He knows his behaviour is unfair on you and will be expecting it.

yousmell · 30/12/2012 08:52

You are both having a very tough time. Try and pull together and get through it. If he isn't there for you during this important time, can you go and stay with family/friends.

mummytime · 30/12/2012 08:59

Do you have any contact with anyone like McMillan nurses? If not, do search them and talk o them. Then try to get your H to do the same. Does he have a good friend or parents who could contact him and let him know what an idiot he is being?

BinksToEnlightenment · 30/12/2012 09:20

I feel bad for you both.

He's not being fair on you, but I also think he may get over this quicker if you give him the space he needs. No more calls and texts.

He obviously can't take it and needs to hibernate his thoughts. Some people process things by withdrawing and shutting down for a while.

This is something which does also significantly affect him and he needs time to grieve in his own way.

SugaricePlumFairy · 30/12/2012 09:20

Morning Hope

How are things this morning?

diddl · 30/12/2012 09:27

He´s struggling with it all??

How the fuck does he think OP feels?

And he´s not even there for her!

If he´s so keen on NY-he can look for a job out there himself!!

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 30/12/2012 09:44

I second Binks' advice not to call or text again for now. Try to treat it as if he has gone away for say a week. Make plans for New Year's Eve for yourself, either at a friend's or go to a spa or something. You need time to process this too and I would focus on you now. It's what he is doing!

What would you do if he was not in the picture? Would you still adopt, try to Oslo in New York? You probably don't know yet but these are questions to think about.

MrsTomHardy · 30/12/2012 11:27

I wouldn't be calling or texting him.

Sorry about your diagnosis but he is being an arse.

PessaryPam · 30/12/2012 11:46

I would go home to your parents if possible. You need looking after at the moment, which should b his job but he has shown you what he is really like. So sad for you.

Autumnchill · 30/12/2012 11:49

Really sorry about all the crap that has arrived at your doorstep.

I think I would be texting him and saying that if he doesn't acknowledge he is alive and well then I will be calling the Police. Without adding worry, are you confident that nothing has happened to him?

Jojobells1986 · 30/12/2012 11:58

If my DH suddenly started avoiding me like that I think I'd pack a bag & go stay with my parents. I'd leave a note in an obvious place, since that's apparently now a valid way of communicating, explaining where I was & that I'd come home when he'd had sufficient time/space to sort his head out. I'd also write down important phone numbers for him 'just incase he's lost his phone...' but I do tend to be a little passive-aggressive at times!

Hope he sorts himself out & realises what's important soon! Look after yourself.

Hopeandbluebells · 30/12/2012 13:15

An update: DP arrived home last night around 4am, stank of cigarettes and alcohol (he doesn't smoke). Turned all the lights on again, woke me up, I told him this couldn't go on and we needed to talk. He said he didn't see what there was to talk about among other things, it got fairly unpleasant so I said perhaps we needed to give each other some space. He packed a bag then and there and left his keys on the table, I'm assuming he's gone to his parents.

He's honestly never done anything like this before :(

OP posts:

Montybojangles · 30/12/2012 13:20

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Montybojangles · 30/12/2012 13:20

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Autumnchill · 30/12/2012 13:40

I can't possibly understand what you are going through now but I think you need some RL comfort. Is there anywhere you can go?

quoteunquote · 30/12/2012 13:43

He's honestly never done anything like this before

neither of you have been through anything like this before, give yourselves sometime,

I know it feels like an overwhelming wall of water, you will get through it, It's really frightening at the stage you are at, it gets better, more manageable.

get on with other things, keep busy.

HecatePropolos · 30/12/2012 13:45

sounds to me like he was just waiting to be told he could go. so he isn't the bad guy who walked out on his partner when she was facing the toughest time of her entire life.

I am sure it's hard for him. But that doesn't give him the right to run away.

He's shown you that when you need him the very most - he won't be there.

I'm not sure how you move on from that.

Take care of yourself.

Maybe he'll realise what he's done and come back, with great apologies and talk and be there for you and with you. But if he doesn't - do you have other people you can lean on right now?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

SantasHoHoHo · 30/12/2012 13:52

He needs to go away and take a long hard look at himself. So his plans for the future have been changed beyond his control but hey, that's life. You deserve love and support right now and if he doesn't come to that conclusion soon then I'm afraid you're better off without him.

I wish you all the best throughout your treatment and as well as support in real life, you'll always have your friends here on MN for support too.x

bringbacksideburns · 30/12/2012 13:55

I think you need to stop thinking about him tbh

Go and stay with your family and put yourself first. All this stress is not going to do you any good. You need to be looked after.

SugaricePlumFairy · 30/12/2012 13:59

How utterly selfish and nasty of him to treat you like this.

Initially I had some sympathy for him but not now after your last post, sounds like he couldn't get away quick enough.

Don't think about trying to contact him, let him come to you.

Thinking of you (((((((hugs)))))))).

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.