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AIBU?

To give DP hell when he gets home?

128 replies

Hopeandbluebells · 29/12/2012 19:51

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

OP posts:

Report

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 18:44

i wasn't able to post before because i could see which way this was likely to go. i'm sorry. stay close to your family.

put him out of your mind and focus on taking care of yourself.

jaabaar · 30/12/2012 18:46

So sorry about all you are going through and have to face. I wish you all the best.

Regarding DP, before starting huge arguments (which I would be tremendously tempted to do) seat down and have one last open discussion.
Try and show understanding and say you are willing to listen to how he feels and that you are aware that this is difficult for him too. But make sure you are very clear also about what you should expect from a DP!

Take it from there..... my DH is also not a great talker when faced with problems..... tries to avoid and thinks only in his head - I am NOT telepathic yet!

Please try a serious conversation first, and try to do it not after a huge argument. Try and do it whne you are both "calm".

I pray and think of you.

x

SarahWarahWoo · 30/12/2012 18:47

Don't lock him out, thinking of you. Talking is what you need and big hug x

SugaricePlumFairy · 30/12/2012 18:54

I'm looking for updates hoping you're going to say he's now pleading for your forgiveness but that isn't the case..

I'm also of the opinion he's not got the guts and love to be the partner you really deserve .

Lots and lots of support here.

You will come through this.

Convict224 · 30/12/2012 19:08

I'm sorry about your health, sorry about your impending surgery and sorry about you having to rethink your future family. I hope it all works out for you and whatever your future brings , I hope it is all good.

Your DP however is not manning up to your current challenges (bit of an understatement there...) I don't know what advice to offer. How do you feel about him now that he has stepped back from you and your problems? Do you feel you could ever want him as your partner after this?

Good luck OP and hugs...

Writehand · 30/12/2012 19:45

I wouldn't lock him out, I'd go elsewhere and leave a note.

Thisisaeuphemism · 30/12/2012 19:46

Do people not read the whole thread before posting?

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 19:52

no, why should they? there is no obligation.

MrsFlibble · 30/12/2012 19:54

OP, Im sorry about your health troubles, and the fact after 8 years your OH has gone just like that, i can understand if he was taking it hard.

But to me it sounds like, tough gets going, OH goes with it.

Dont reply, turn phone, and concentrate on getting better, you can kick cancers arse, and hopefully find a man truely deserving of someone as strong as you.

Thisisaeuphemism · 30/12/2012 19:56

No obligation at all. But consideration to the op would be nice, especially under these circumstances.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 30/12/2012 19:59

Good luck op, thinking of you.

My sister is undergoing treatment for breast cancer and when I see the way her dh treats her, I'd tell you you deserve better.

Your dp isnt half the man you need or deserve.

I pray you get through chemotherapy/operation as complication free as possible and hope you get the support of family and friends xx

SugarPasteSnowflake · 30/12/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katiecubs · 30/12/2012 20:27

Peaceandlovebunny are you for real?!

It saves you posting irrelevant, thoughtless comments for one. Plus is a situation like this it shows a real lack if respect for the poster.

OP thinking of you x

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 30/12/2012 20:48

I'm so sorry you've have such devastating news and are now having to deal with this fuckwittery on top.

I would have given your DP the benefit of the doubt right up until he packed his bags and walked out the door at the first available opportunity.

My nephew was 22 years old and 6 months out of uni when his girlfriend of 18 months was diagnosed with cancer. He stood by her through every minute of her treatment, put his career on hold, agreed to give up their own flat and moved with her to her parents so they had all the support they could need. He proposed within a fortnight of her getting the news that she was in remission, regardless of the fact it may affect their chance to have children of their own. They have now bought a house and are getting married in a few months.

If a lad of 22 in his first and only serious relationship can show that level of maturity, then your DP has no excuse whatsoever for his appalling behaviour.

Hopeandbluebells · 30/12/2012 21:07

My mum wants to call his mum, I've told her not to, I'm an adult, feels like I'm hiding behind her IYSWIM.

Whether or not I would want him back after this I don't know, some of the things he's said we're rather hurtful, but then if he seems to have just handled it the wrong way... I don't know :(

OP posts:

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 30/12/2012 21:26

Hopeandbluebells - I am so sorry about your diagnosis and that your "d"p is being such a prize twunt on top of it. I can appreciate that it's awful to have your future change so suddenly and to be so scared for your partner, but nothing nothing justifies running away and effectively breaking up via text after 8 sodding years together.

You need and deserve someone so much more reliable at this time of your life and I hope your friends and family rally round you. Do take a moment to enjoy the fact that his friends and family will be utterly repulsed by his behaviour and will never think of him as anything other than a spineless weasel again.

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 21:31

Peaceandlovebunny are you for real?!

absolutely. the whole point of a message board is the original post - it is to that which people respond.

katiecubs · 30/12/2012 21:41

Things move on, OP's update! What's the point posting an irrelevant message?! thoughtless and lazy.

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 30/12/2012 21:41

Peaceandlovebunny is being just as helpful over on the AP thread.

OP, so sorry this has happened. Agree with those saying he wanted 'permission' to go. In that case I would not give him what he is looking for - which I am guessing is more 'permission' to behave this way. I think it's by far the better choice to not communicate with him at all at this point, so don't reply to any texts or calls - but my response to 'I'm sorry it has to be this way' if making one, would be 'It doesn't, it's you who's choosing to be an utter cock, you utter cock'. If your mum does end up speaking to his, make sure she sticks to this line - he has chosen to behave this way. It's not an inevitable drifting apart, it is someone being cowardly and don't let him get away with any different. He doesn't sound like he wants to face the unpleasant reality of what he is doing.

apostropheuse · 30/12/2012 21:46

I'm so sorry to read of your illness and your partner's response to it.

I hate to say this, but him saying "I'm sorry it has to be this way" by text I think means he wants the break-up. I hope I'm wrong and that he's just reacting badly and in shock. It sounds to me as if he was doing things in the hope that you would break up with him to save him having to do it to you. I'm wondering if not being able to have his own biological children is behind this.

I agree with the previous posters who said you should get your support from your family at this awful time. Let your mum and brothers and close friends support you and ignore the partner issue for now.

Take care of yourself.

Delalakis · 30/12/2012 22:52

I must say I'm curious about how he justifies this behaviour to himself or his friends. People normally like to find some sort of justification for their own bad behaviour, even if it is a bit cockeyed. Can you imagine telling your mates or work colleagues that you've split up with your partner and it's because she's got cancer and you can't handle it? I hope that 99% of them would at the very least tell him to stop being a bloody idiot, get back and sort himself out. If he has a good friend I'd be tempted to contact them to try to suss out how his mind is working.

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 22:57

what is the 'AP' thread? and i am always helpful. i just don't see things the way you do.

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shesariver · 30/12/2012 23:06

8peace* you can highlight all OPs posts in your settings you know.

HollaAtMeSanta · 30/12/2012 23:10

So sorry, Hope. I don't have any advice other than keep doing what you're doing, but couldn't read and not answer. You are better off without this manchild.

Is it bad of me to hope that when you are better you will get another chance to work in New York and will swan off there to live the Sex and the City dream without him?

Norem · 30/12/2012 23:26

Hi op I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
My mum got breast cancer 21 years ago, my dad was hopeless in the extreme.
They were living abroad working for uk government when diagnosed, I found out my mum had a lump and was being flown into london( where I was ) from a man at the foreign office. Mum came to London had op and radiotherapy, all lasted about 8 weeks.
Dads " support" was one bunch of tulips via inter flora, he is a GP and all his patients love him because he is so caring!
Mum is thankfully fine and they remain happily married.
Looking back I think he must have just frozen and couldn't bear to think about it AT ALL.
If this is a total departure in behaviour from your dp maybe that is what is happening, he is freezing all thought and feeling in order to insulate himself from pain.
Good luck with your treatment and I hope your dp gets his head together xxx

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