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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other half's tongue has run away with him!

58 replies

Piercy · 29/12/2012 17:45

Hi

My other half has a son by a previous relationship who will be 19 in a few days time. Today my OH has told SS that he will tell him when labour has started so he can be outside the room.

This is NOT what we discussed we discussed that SS may stay at the home after baby is brought home (SS lives with his mum) depending on what happens but he would be the only one to come and stay.

I've said I don't want SS to be at the hospital more than welcome to come after I've stopped yelling, cleaned myself up and had a little time with just the 3 of us - OH thinks I'm not thinking of 'family' how do I convince him (i just have that scene from only Fools and Horses in my head where Rachelle gave birth)

Help me

Piercey

OP posts:
BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems · 29/12/2012 18:44

He sounds nice especially for a teenager but YANBU for not wanting him waiting there.
Could you promise him he will be the first person to know the baby is here and as soon as you feel able to see people he will be the first person to see the baby?

Bogeyface · 29/12/2012 18:57

When my then 20 year old DS came home to be told that I was in labour he legged it upstairs, packed his bag, came down again and said "I am staying at Grandma's. ok?" and was gone inside 2 minutes. :o

OK so it was a homebirth but he had his own room and didnt need to be involved at all! No way would he have wanted to be in the hospital with me.

Do OH and SS know that 14 hours is the average for a first labour? That might change his mind for him!

Fairyegg · 29/12/2012 19:07

Ok, your stepson sounds lovely but still no one wants someone waiting outside of labour room. Under pressure or what! He might be there for days as well, then you and baby will be all covered in blood and gunk and you will probably need to be legs apart and stitched up once your baby is born, presumeing both you and the baby are healthy. is that something your stepson wants to see? Is your stepson or dp aware of that? I presume your oh either as a memory issue or wasn't at his sons birth? Just put your foot down, but maybe promise him he can be the first to visit WHEN you feel up to visitors. As an after thought do you think your dh thinks he'll need the support of his son being there? Is he apprehensive about it all and his son being nearby is actually just a support for him?

RandomMess · 29/12/2012 19:23

Simples, you've checked hospital policy he can't be there outside and you're not having him as a birthing partner!

ZenNudist · 29/12/2012 19:52

tell him that it could take ages, you could need medical attention he would be better off coming when it's all settled & he can be your first visitor

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2012 20:17

Sorry Piercy, I didn't mean to paint such a gruesome picture Blush

Original poster
Piercy · 29/12/2012 20:20

chasedbybees - no no not at all exactly what I wanted to get message across to DP, who by the way ex had SS by cesarean

Thanks everyone

P

OP posts:
oldpeculiar · 29/12/2012 20:51

At our hospital there would be no facilities for 'waiting family'.They'd be told to bugger off to the café.

yousmell · 29/12/2012 20:59

He is thinking of himself and his son only. He should be thinking about you, also your bonding with baby and baby being on mother in an atmosphere of quiet relaxation.

MW's that you want no visitors during or after the birth - regardless of who they are. You are entitled to do this. The MWs need to care for you and your baby - your DH and SS needs don't come into the equation.

yousmell · 29/12/2012 20:59

Also write in your birth plan in bold - no visitors (that includes step son)

oldpeculiar · 29/12/2012 22:50

An 18/19 yr old boy won't have the first clue about the messy realities of a labour ward, and what he would be letting himself in for.I bet he is picturing it like on TV . Sitting outside in a comfortable quiet waiting room and then being ushered in by a beaming father to a fragrant, radiant mother holding a cooing bundle of joy!

Fairyegg · 29/12/2012 23:00

op you will have to keep us updated as I'm a nosy cow. When are you due? Seriously though, put your foot down and lie about hospital policy if necessary.

OddBoots · 29/12/2012 23:05

If you can chat quietly with your midwife I am sure she (or he) would back you up in saying that the hospital don't like people to be waiting around for practical and infection control reasons so he'd only be able to come after the birth when you are back on the ward.

CoolaYuleA · 29/12/2012 23:14

The hospital where I had DD didn't have a waiting room so there wasn't anywhere for anyone to wait. I was induced and spent three days in my en suite room, with DH, went into labour and had DD. My Mum wanted to be there, I didn't mind, so DH phoned her and she was there just before I gave birth - she had to run the gauntlet of the midwives though, when she arrived at the unit they came and checked with me before they would even let her through the main door.

As for ANYONE else - they were told to come at visiting ONLY. My Dad turned up five minutes early and was told to wait outside the unit.

Chances are the hospital won't let him wait in the maternity unit anyway.

Had your SS been hovering about for my labour and delivery he'd have had to take three days off work whilst the induction kicked in, then another hour for active labour and delivery (took me a while to get going then she shot out like a rocket hehehe)... Even then he wouldn't be allowed in as I fed her, did some skin to skin, and was then stitched for 90 minutes (she came too quick) with my feet in stirrups and three, yes THREE doctors and midwives around my nethers. My Mum stayed to hold DD whilst DH looked after me. Once finished she left. Then I had a shower, then we moved rooms.

An hour and a half after that it was visiting. I needed that hour and a half to gather myself and feed DD.

Your OH and SS have no idea what you will be like after. Hopefully you will be one of those people who don't need stitching - but you might. Show your OH this post and point out to him that my delivery was classed as "normal", and that the only time it is appropriate for any visitor to come is AFTER everything that needs to be done has been, after you have had time to gather yourself, and when YOU feel ready.

Good luck OP!

Tortington · 29/12/2012 23:18

id say " if you can push a melon out of your arse whilst at the same time having multiple professionals watch you do it, probably not have anything to eat - in case you need to go to theatre, be utterly exhausted by the experience and then entertain visitors, then my dear you would be entitled to have a say, but you can't so you don't"

DeWe · 29/12/2012 23:19

I think if you speak to the hospital they probably won't want him there. Does your dp know you could be in labour for days? I'd start by speaking to the hospital and finding out what their policy on adult siblings waiting outside is.

At our hospital they wouldn't have let him in the labour wards, and the post natal only at certain times. For dd1 he'd have been waiting 15 hours (over night), dd2 14 hours (again over night), ds I never made it to the postnatal wards so he'd have been able to come home with us (at 4am!).

Inertia · 29/12/2012 23:21

I think you need to enlist the help of a friend who has given birth to explain to SS and DH exactly what happens. While it's touching that SS wants to meet his baby sibling, the delivery suite isn't the place.

Most hospitals don't even allow anyone except birth partner on to the ward anyway.

It certainly won't be quiet.

Post birth, you'll probably be lying there with your fanjo out, bleeding and possibly having wet / soiled the bed , and potentially with your legs in stirrups having your vagina checked / attended to / sewn up. The placenta will need to be delivered. If the birth is more complex, the medical staff won't have time to keep waiting relatives in the picture while they intervene. Does your ss really want to be faced with his stepmother's battered genitals - why can't he wait until you are on the post natal ward?

You might want to establish breast feeding quickly. That can take a while, and may need some help with positioning etc from midwives. Do you really need an audience ?

Using the MN standard analogy - perhaps DH might like to consider how willingly he'd welcome a visit from your closest female relative in the immediate aftermath of passing a watermelon through his genitals ?

LetsFaceThePresentsTheyrePants · 30/12/2012 01:17

Op s first baby ladies!
Just saying.

susanann · 30/12/2012 06:59

Oh dear! Poor OP! It is sweet that DSS is excited etc but as everyone else has said its just not on. Im sure he would be horrified if he actually saw the realities of it all. He should come visit several hours later when youve been cleaned up and had some bonding time and rest. Perhaps DH doesnt appreciate things from your point of view as his DS was born by caesarian and hes not seen a "natural" birth. Good luck.

slowgin · 30/12/2012 07:08

I feel sick reading this, did everyone really need to spout their horror stories about birth? I thought op asked about having ss waiting outside the room not to be terrified with people's horror stories.

Hate threads that people turn into this.

op yanbu.

MrsHoarder · 30/12/2012 07:35

The "horror" stories are necessary because if the op has a quick easy delivery then there's no rational argument against him being there. The dp and ss just haven't considered the vomiting, blood, stitching and placenta. Or bfing. Have him add a first visitor, on the labour ward if permitted, but it could be a couple of hours until you manage your tea and toast, and you won't want him before that.

Make him watch obem instead if American dramas where people give birth in a full room and the whole cast waits outside.

KittyFane1 · 30/12/2012 08:43

If he's close enough to you to want to be at the birth, he's close enough for you to be honest with him. Tell him it could take days hours, he will be bored, he will be phoned the minute anything happens actually, after the baby is born and you are sorted out.
The baby is born but the afterbirth comes, checks are done, you'll be knackered- a good few hours later and you'll be happy to see people!
If you're having a CS, they won't let him near so he's wasting his time.

Inertia · 30/12/2012 08:48

But Slowgin, they aren't horror stories - that's the reality of giving birth for most women.

I've yet to meet a woman who gave birth with no blood and no need for her vagina to be at least examined by the mw.

Letsface- I think the OP is able to handle the reality of childbirth. She just needs to be able to convey it to her husband and stepson, who seem to think that delivery suites happily provide for waiting relatives,that labour is something you can bunk off work for a couple of hours for, and that the new mother and baby are instantly recovered and presentable for visitors immediately after the birth.

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins · 30/12/2012 08:56

I think it is really sweet he wants to be there. How about promising he will be the first after you and your dh to see and hold the baby?

When I had ds1, as I was wheeled out of the delivery room, with ex by my side, my mom, step-dad, brother (18) and my db1's best friend were there! (I had no idea)
They left right away though, after congratulations, and didn't come back until the next day. (this was in the "olden days" when they kept you in for 10 days)

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 08:59

"The "horror" stories are necessary because if the op has a quick easy delivery then there's no rational argument against him being there."

Yes, there is.

The person who will be in labour doesn't want him there. The end.

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