I think my dh is being bloody selfish about spending time with my family

[irishchic]

I live 200 miles from my mum and the rest of my family. Once or twice a year, me and dh and our 5 kids go to visit my mum in her house, which is in a large city, lovely house, plenty of room for our kids and v comfortable.

We arrived at my mums on thursday night to stay 3 nights. My dh is a bit funny about staying at my mum's in that he likes his space, so usually would pop out for an hour to buy a paper and have a pint somewhere on his own. I dont mind this obviously. But also, I usually mind the kids in the mornings so that he can pop out (mum lives near lots of nice cafes) and have a nice cooked breakfast and again, read his newspaper and sports results in peace.

Last night, me, dh and my dbro and dsis went out for a few drinks. got home around midnight. Dh was flicking through the paper and spotted that a band that we used to like is playing a gig in a pub near my mums house tonight. He suggested that we go, but i said that as we were heading out all day today to visit friends of his and their kids, that i would prefer that we stay in tonight with my mum, as I feel we havent actually seen that much of her since we arrived we have been so busy visiting friends etc.

He then said that maybe HE would go out with the guy that we are visiting, the friend of his anyway, and the two of them would go out for a night themselves. I was taken aback at this and said so. I think its rude of him to take himself off for a night out on our family trip when we are staying with my mum, and he has spent little time here as it is. He seems to find it next to impossible to SIT IN for an evening with my family. Its not like my mum expects him to entertain her, she will happily feed him, bring him a beer while he sits beside the fire watching tv or playing iPad. Also, to put this in some context, dh goes away to concerts any time he wants, has a few weekends away a year with the boys, a golfing holiday, and can take himself off anytime to visit his friends, I dont mind that.

I only ask in return that on the few occasions that we visit my family, which is only ever for 2 or 3 nights twice a year that he engages with us, makes a bit of an effort, and if he feels slightly bored then just suck it up, as I live 5 mins form all his family and spend tons of time with them, in laws, elderly aunts, overbearing cousins, the lot, as thats what you do when you marry someone. Wouldnt even mind but he admits that my family arer good company, its just he seems to feel its ok to treat my mums house as a base for him do suit himself.

Sorry so long, really pissed off about this as he tried to make me feel bad about this saying stuff like he only gets to this city so rarely, whats wrong with wanting a night out etc etc (he had 3 nights out in Xmas week all late ones and goes out every thurday night, so he doesnt live the life of a recluse.) He is playing the martyr now.

[Pandemoniaa]

It sounds as if he's got this "me time" rather nicely worked out, OP. He gets to go out and have pleasant breakfasts while you are left at home with the dcs and now he's planning to see a band, presumably on the basis that he needs his space. I wonder how much time you get to dispose of as you wish?

And yes, it does come across as rude to bugger off out when he's already only spending a modest amount of time at your parent's house.

[ODearMe]

I don't think the op's issue is really about her not wanting him to go to the band, I think the accumulation of her dh's selfish ways put together has finally made her question 'is this right/fair?' and she knows the answer is 'no'.

The reason she is telling us the following information below is to build a picture of their relationship and she wants us to agree she is not BU to be cross with his behaviour.

"would usually pop out for an hour to buy a paper and have a pint somewhere on his own"
"two of them would go out for a night themselves"
"He seems to find it next to impossible to SIT IN for an evening with my family
dh goes away to concerts any time he wants, has a few weekends away a year with the boys, a golfing holiday, and can take himself off anytime to visit his friends, I dont mind that."
"But he is a bit selfish about his space and his time. Even when we go to his family, i am the one who makes the effort to chat with his parents while he just reads the paper and barks at the kids from time to time."

It is all about him him him. His way or the highway.

Op has been so patient to his needs and tiptoed around him and now her eyes are opened to the truth of what she has to live with.

Definitely time to make a stand in general, get the respect back.

[ohfunnyFRANKENface]

He is taking the piss.

And now playing the maytre? Not on.

It is rude and unfair to put you in that position.

[ComposHat]

In isolation the going to a gig on one night isn't unreasonable by any stretch, being at a Mother in Law's house can be a trying experience, especially when they spend the entire evening talking about people you don't know. However the pissing off at meals times is beyond the pale.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

He is bu, you have time for his family, he should have time for yours.
It sounds as though he gets enough spare time as it is!

[Bogeyface]

WHy dont you write down all the nights out, weekends away, holidays, gigs, golfing breaks etc he has OP, and then do the same for you.

Do you get the same amount of time as him? Do you even get half the amount of time? I am betting you dont.

He is a spoilt lazy selfish tosser and you, sorry to say, are allowing him to be.

[Inertia]

He sounds like a selfish spoilt brat tbh.

He's being enormously rude to your family - visiting friends in the area us one thing, but for several hours a day your H is essentially telling your mum that her hospitality, her company, her food aren't good enough for him.

Plus you have 5 children - and he is getting away with doing bugger all for or with them , apart from barking orders.

How does he manage the children when you go off on your holidays and weekends away with friends, nights out when you choose, cafe breakfasts, golf holidays? Let me guess -you don't get that amount of time to yourself.

Does he actually want to be part of a family?

[Daddelion]

I'd love to hear his side of the story.

[oldraver]

I think he is being very rude...how would he like it if you disappeared off each time you went to his family leaving him with the kids... as he is also dumping all care of them onto you when he goes off.

[digerd]

He is selfish and rude. You only see your parents 5 X a year. We all do things that we are not keen on so as not to be rude and selfish or upset people. It would be different if your parents lived locally and you saw them every week.

[festivelyfocussed]

Well your DH has it sorted doesn't he? Nice set up for him.
I don't think YABU and I think he sounds quite selfish and spoiled but I don't know what you can do about that. It's probably not worth trying to get him to forego the concert but maybe just make sure you get some of your own free time when you want it to to even things up and avoid developing resentment.
Enjoy your time with your family. You sound lovely.

[maddening]

Yanbu.

Don't feel obliged to entertain his family.

[StuntGirl]

He's being selfish. Why does he think its ok to treat your mum's house like a free hotel?

[irishchic]

Hi there, back again after a long day! Thank you all for your supportive comments and insights. I am glad to report that dh went out for a walk this am, must have had a think, then came home and apologised for being a bit of a tit. Said that of course he would sit in tonight, and that he shouldnt be heading out for breakfast on his own, and that i shouldnt have to tip toe around him when he is staying here. He acknowledged that he can be a bit selfish and set in his ways, but for the rest of our stay he would muck in and make more of an effort.

And he really did that today, and was great company with us tonight. He made the effort and i appreciate it. The thing about my dh which I have learned over the years is that basically he is good and kind and generous, but he has a selfish and self indulgent streak, which, if i dont stand up to it, can run amok. Once i haul him up for it, he generally realises when he is being a tit, and tries to make up for it. But he is inherently selfish, unless made to pull his weight. Which means I do spend a bit of my time having to tell him what's what. which can be a bit tedious at times, but there are worse things i guess!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

YANBU

I would be horrified if DH was continuously trying to slope off when we were at my parents, but he wouldn't because he has better manners than that.

Similiarly, I wouldn't dream of buggering off left, right and centre when we were staying with DH's family.

I sometimes wonder whether I inhabit the same universe as many people on MN, where lots of people seem incredibly selfish and to lack manners entirely!

Do you get to go away, have nights out and breakfast alone with the paper as often as he does? He sounds like a proper selfish pillock.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Oh x-posts. Glad he has realised the error of his ways!

[irishchic]

Thanks Alibaba, so am i!

[skratta]

Rude, rude, rude.

YANBU.

It's disrespectful to your mum- letting him stay as family implies time as a family almost. If he wants to be like a lodger, he pays like a lodger would, as he is using the house as a place to do things from. Staying with someone means being with someone, in this case, a number of people.

[ellee]

He is being totally self centred. You have to draw the line somewhere or net he'll be saying he won't go at all. Some people really need to be told what is expected of them. Your oh sounds like one of those.

[Cherriesarelovely]

YANBU. I would find this incredibly rude. It's not as if he has been stuck in the house all day every day. My ex P was like this and yet was incredibly demanding in terms of the amount of time she expected me to spend with her family. I got heartily sick of making excuses for her behaviour.

[digerd]

Irish
Yep, nobody's perfect, some just need more nudging than others.
Good to hear your communication has been successful.

[ZenNudist]

Let him go out, it's you and the dc you dp's want to see. In fact leave him at home next time. I think you need to share the leisure time more equally in 2013, it sounds like he is having all the relaxation and fun. Also you need to either decide you want to spend time with his family because you get something out of it or make dh do his family duties more leaving you out of it. Say you will give exactly the same amount of attention to his family as he gives to yours.

[ZenNudist]

Sounds like a good resolution.

[Mymooncuprunnethover]

I know it's resolved now, and it's also unlike me to want to see the good in people, but I thought maybe he was a bit disappointed that you didn't want to go to see the band with him.

I know he has form for this, wanting to be away from your family, but maybe he thought it would be really nice to go and see the band you both used to like and go out together, while your DCs could stay with your family?

Then as you(of course, understandably) say you should stay in he is slightly offended/disappointed and says maybe he'll gp with his mate instead.....just a thought...

[Gooeyhead]

I wouldn't be bothered if my DH wanted to go to see a band and catch up with friends as I could then have a lovely cosy night in with my DM and have a nice catch up... I would be bothered if my DH took himself off for breakfast on his own every morning - I think that is more rude!!