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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my dh is being bloody selfish about spending time with my family

78 replies

irishchic · 29/12/2012 10:40

I live 200 miles from my mum and the rest of my family. Once or twice a year, me and dh and our 5 kids go to visit my mum in her house, which is in a large city, lovely house, plenty of room for our kids and v comfortable.

We arrived at my mums on thursday night to stay 3 nights. My dh is a bit funny about staying at my mum's in that he likes his space, so usually would pop out for an hour to buy a paper and have a pint somewhere on his own. I dont mind this obviously. But also, I usually mind the kids in the mornings so that he can pop out (mum lives near lots of nice cafes) and have a nice cooked breakfast and again, read his newspaper and sports results in peace.

Last night, me, dh and my dbro and dsis went out for a few drinks. got home around midnight. Dh was flicking through the paper and spotted that a band that we used to like is playing a gig in a pub near my mums house tonight. He suggested that we go, but i said that as we were heading out all day today to visit friends of his and their kids, that i would prefer that we stay in tonight with my mum, as I feel we havent actually seen that much of her since we arrived we have been so busy visiting friends etc.

He then said that maybe HE would go out with the guy that we are visiting, the friend of his anyway, and the two of them would go out for a night themselves. I was taken aback at this and said so. I think its rude of him to take himself off for a night out on our family trip when we are staying with my mum, and he has spent little time here as it is. He seems to find it next to impossible to SIT IN for an evening with my family. Its not like my mum expects him to entertain her, she will happily feed him, bring him a beer while he sits beside the fire watching tv or playing iPad. Also, to put this in some context, dh goes away to concerts any time he wants, has a few weekends away a year with the boys, a golfing holiday, and can take himself off anytime to visit his friends, I dont mind that.

I only ask in return that on the few occasions that we visit my family, which is only ever for 2 or 3 nights twice a year that he engages with us, makes a bit of an effort, and if he feels slightly bored then just suck it up, as I live 5 mins form all his family and spend tons of time with them, in laws, elderly aunts, overbearing cousins, the lot, as thats what you do when you marry someone. Wouldnt even mind but he admits that my family arer good company, its just he seems to feel its ok to treat my mums house as a base for him do suit himself.

Sorry so long, really pissed off about this as he tried to make me feel bad about this saying stuff like he only gets to this city so rarely, whats wrong with wanting a night out etc etc (he had 3 nights out in Xmas week all late ones and goes out every thurday night, so he doesnt live the life of a recluse.) He is playing the martyr now.

OP posts:
CatchingMockingbirds · 29/12/2012 11:39

Yanbu, he is being selfish and quite rude. As you say, you spend plenty of time with his family so he should be able to spend time with yours 3 times a year. How often do you get a night out in comparison to your dh?

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 29/12/2012 11:41

So you visit your parents 2/3 times a year for 2/3 nights at a time, so a maximum of 9 days a year. For 9 days out of 365 your H can't put himself out a little and spend the time with your family.

YANBU He's being selfish and rude.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2012 11:47

"Also, to put this in some context, dh goes away to concerts any time he wants, has a few weekends away a year with the boys, a golfing holiday, and can take himself off anytime to visit his friends, I dont mind that."
And are YOU able to similarly amuse yourself, or are you always the one left parenting the 5 DC?

clam · 29/12/2012 11:48

Watching this with interest - have something a little bit similar going on here...

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2012 11:55

Rude.
And if I were your mum I'd be quite hurt.

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2012 11:58

YANBU

He doesn't sound introverted with social anxieties - he sounds like a lazy, selfish arse. How many people would rather make/supervise breakfast for 5 DCs versus go out for a quiet cooked breakfast reading the paper? I bet given that opportunity half the men (& women) in the country would urgently decide they 'need their own space'.

And again, who wouldn't prefer to socialise at a gig with their mates rather than make polite conversation with your MIL? He's being rude & disrespectful to your family. Making time for your partner's family is something most of us just put up with from time to time, as you do with his.

My advice is to put your foot down now, let him sulk, and take a long hard look at the rest of his behaviour when you get home.

Daddelion · 29/12/2012 11:59

I'm thinking of nine days a year with my now ex mother-in-law and family.

He deserves a medal.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 29/12/2012 12:01

If he deserves a medal than the OP deserves the Holy fucking Grail Hmm

Mrsrudolphduvall · 29/12/2012 12:05

Do you do things yourself OP if dh does all his "fun"things?

I have to say, I only see PIL for about 4 hours a year at Christmas time. That's enough.
Dh visits more often.
Similarly when my dad was alive dh rarely came with me.

BooCanary · 29/12/2012 12:12

Op, my dh is quite socially introverted. He doesn't really DO small talk, and Xmas visiting is hard for him. We have spent the past 5 days at social events, and he is at the end of his rope now! My parents ( and his!) know this about him, but to be fair he sucks it up, has the odd little whinge and gets on with it and then hibernates until he goes back to work in Jan.

However, your dh sounds totally indulged. Why on earth does he go for breakfast on his own? It doesn't sound at all like social anxiety, but like he just cannot be arsed. In isolation, i wouldn't have a problem with the gig, and would welcome the time just me and my DM. However, in your situation, I would feel like he was seriously taking the piss.

shlomojo · 29/12/2012 12:33

YANBU - can't believe so many MNers think this is ok!
How would he feel if you always copped out of seeing his family?

curiousuze · 29/12/2012 12:51

YANBU and he sounds a bit precious. Why is his need for special time alone been so indulged? You're only there 3 days.

yousmell · 29/12/2012 12:57

I'm on the fence. I don't believe in living in each others pockets. He probably needs a bit of space with 5 kids - will you get some space too when you are back home?

Onezerozero · 29/12/2012 12:59

He is being rude. It isn't as if you have asked him to stay in the house 24/7 for the visit. He should be able to spend this one night in for politeness' sake.

TidyDancer · 29/12/2012 13:10

I think it's rude. It wouldn't bother me if it was one or two occasions, but it's not.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 29/12/2012 13:27

Slightly irrelevant, but must admit I'm envious of having parents or PILs who live in a big house in an interesting city. I'd want to do the same as your DH and disappear to cafes and bars and gigs etc. But that's the point - you can't both do that. So it's a bit off for him to take himself off all the time leaving you to manage the DCs. Does he offer you reciprocal time off when you go somewhere else, or at home?

The question of quite how unreasonable he's being also depends a bit on your relationship with your mum. Are you close to her, and does she help look after the DCs? If so, perhaps him going off like that isn't such a big deal. But I know that if it were me, I'd need my DH's support to get through the whole thing.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 29/12/2012 13:49

Op my DH is similar in that he cannot sit around all day anywhere and has to get out, when we go to my mums he often goes off but its usually ok cos I take mum out and she is happy. sometimes I get a bit pissed off as, like you, think he should make the effort to chat to her as he sees her so rarely. However in your situation it sounds a bit as if you have been ok to your DH having a bit too much his own way with regards to going out and about. Obviously he has every right to but so do you and when the kids were small DH took his fair share. its only now they are older that we both get more freedom to do what we want together and apart. time for a reality check I think, do not be a doormat.

Iggly · 29/12/2012 13:53

YANBU

What's with all this "me time" he gets? Do you get some too?? You sound a bit of a martyr letting your poor old DH get his caveman time.

Yes it's rude.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 29/12/2012 13:56

Have you had any time on your own with your mum this trip?

What does your DH do? Tbh he sounds like a sulky room-skulking teenager.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2012 14:01

Yes, the breakfast thing, forgot about that ...

"I usually mind the kids in the mornings so that he can pop out (mum lives near lots of nice cafes) and have a nice cooked breakfast and again, read his newspaper and sports results in peace."
Breakfast can be quite a busy time, so why exactly does he get to abdicate all responsibility for the marshaling, washing, dressing and feeding of his five children? And yet another mention of the paper - does this man spend his entire life with his nose in a newspaper? Popping out to buy one (and having a pint on his own); breakfasting alone in a cafe, just him and his paper; flicking through it to find some other reason to leave you and his 5 children behind - I'd be swatting him with it by now.

I think 'indulged' is a very good description of this man. As is self-indulgent. Yes OP, as per the title of your thread, your husband is bloody selfish. Now what are you going to do about that?

ODearMe · 29/12/2012 14:12

YADNBU Irish. It sounds like your husband is taking the piss to me on a number of levels.

Like you say, he goes off and enjoys leisure time of his own regularly while you take care of the children - just sitting reading the paper in peace, playing golf & weekends away without the family etc etc. This is all fine of course as it is important to maintain one's own interests; however, it goes BOTH WAYS.

I get the impression from your OP that it does not go BOTH WAYS. Do you get much leisure time to yourself? If not, why is he more entitled than you?

Also, you make all the effort with his family and no effort returned on his part.

It sounds to me you have been so accommodating of him that he is walking all over you and showing you very little respect.

Who cares if he doesn't want to be cooped up at your mum's house for an evening or so a year because it isn't scene? He should do it for YOU without any resistance out of LOVE.

That man needs a good kick up the arse to re-learn his priorities.

mrsmillsfanclub · 29/12/2012 14:23

Personally I would welcome dp going out alone when I visit family, I know he finds my mum and I very dull when gossip and I relax more when he isn't there. However, I'd insist he had the kids on at somepoint so I could go off and do something nice with mum or siblings. I hate the thought of dp being with me under sufferance, rather he naffed off and did his own thing than sit with a bored expression.

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2012 14:32

YANBU

And I say that as an introvert. I'd find his behaviour quite rude.

ledkr · 29/12/2012 14:42

Rude git. I have pils who live away and we visit a few times a year. Tbh I'm not keen. They are nothing like me at all and I find them very dull and anal but I tolerate them as dh does mine because they are his family.
I also think your dh sounds like a self entitled pompous arse taking himself off for breakfast and a nice quiet paper. He still thinks he's single doesn't he?

SantasENormaSnob · 29/12/2012 14:44

Yanbu

Does he think it's a doss house?

You are there 2/3 nights. During which time he's had a night out, a day out and brekkie out every morning?

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