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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my live-in BIL to look after the house while we are away?

27 replies

slushpuppies · 28/12/2012 20:06

So I'm fuming. We come back after spending Christmas with my parents to find the house dirty, rotting food in the bin, cat litter overflowing, mouldy bread in the cupboard AND the heating and hot water turned off even though I left them on timer.

BIL was at home. He's 25, he's lived with us for nigh on 3 years, rent free, bill free, lock stock and two smoking barrels free. He has bought fried chicken and chips for the kids once and usually forgets their birthdays.
All this I could just about put up with. What pisses me off is his attitude. He doesn't talk unless directly asked a question. He doesn't behave like part of the family, i.e no curiosity about what the kids are doing (his neice and nephews). No interest in anything we do. Plus he lies to my face!

I get the feeling my husband is tolerating the situation so as not to create an argument with his family, but I'm fed up with this.

My daughter needs her own room. She is at puberty and can't keep sharing with her brothers.
AIBU for wanting bil to shape up or ship out? Husband is not hearing me!
GRRRRRR!

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 28/12/2012 20:10

Never mind shape up or ship out I think you are past that! Sit down with him and your DH and give him one months notice to leave then change the locks if he doesn't. He's taking the piss big time. Does he work? Why are you keeping a 25yr old who doesn't pull his weight or pay towards living costs

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2012 20:11

What are you going to do about it?

And yes, it sounds like your daughter is getting to the age when legally she can't share with her brothers.

Why is he there?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 28/12/2012 20:13

Sit your husband down.

Lean towards him.

Say very clearly and slowly...

" The brother in law has to go".

Dear husband has to fear upsetting you more than he fears upsetting his family.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 28/12/2012 20:14

^what strawberry said^

he's taking the piss and enjoying the free ride. a months notice... if no change kick him out!

maddening · 28/12/2012 20:15

Give him notice and pick out paint colours with your dd :)

Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:16

Your dd needs her own room.

BIL goes. He is taking the piss.

Original poster
slushpuppies · 28/12/2012 20:18

it's so hard! DH is worried about upsetting his family, and I heard a rumour that he's borrowed some money from BIL, which complicates things slightly.

OP posts:
FivesGoldNorks · 28/12/2012 20:20

I don't think there's a legal age where children can't share
Why is he living with you, rent free? Does he work?

quoteunquote · 28/12/2012 20:21

*We come back after spending Christmas with my parents to find the house dirty, rotting food in the bin, cat litter overflowing, mouldy bread in the cupboard

Stand over him and make him clean up every little bit properly to your standards. Do Not do any of the cleaning, give him instructions.

BIL was at home. He's 25, he's lived with us for nigh on 3 years, rent free, bill free, lock stock and two smoking barrels free. He has bought fried chicken and chips for the kids once and usually forgets their birthdays

Do you have mug written on your forehead, He must baby sit a lot for this to be happening.

All this I could just about put up with. What pisses me off is his attitude. He doesn't talk unless directly asked a question. He doesn't behave like part of the family, i.e no curiosity about what the kids are doing (his neice and nephews). No interest in anything we do. Plus he lies to my face!

So don't put up with it, if he teaching your children to lie to your face, you will regret allowing it to happen, at the moment your children have a living example of how to treat you when they are older, good luck with that.how many do you have?

I get the feeling my husband is tolerating the situation so as not to create an argument with his family, but I'm fed up with this

Have you talked to him? Why not just explain that the experiment hasn't worked for you. if the family want to provide other arrangements, jolly good for them, let them, you have done your best.

My daughter needs her own room. She is at puberty and can't keep sharing with her brothers

move her into her own room, he will have to move out or sleep on the sofa.

AIBU for wanting bil to shape up or ship out? Husband is not hearing me!
GRRRRRR!

Wanting and doing are different things, wanting has not worked, try doing.

TidyDancer · 28/12/2012 20:21

There isn't a legal need to put your DD in her own room. This should have no bearing on you giving her her own room, just pointing that out.

That said, I'm fairly certain you have posted about this before, haven't you? Why are you still putting up with it?! Does BIL work?

Tbh, I adore my BIL, he is one of my best friends and I wouldn't be without him. Would I tolerate him living in my home for three years? Would I fuck.

StanleyLambchop · 28/12/2012 20:22

I heard a rumour that he's borrowed some money from BIL, which complicates things slightly.

Why does it? Surely you can offset the money borrowed against the rent free years he has enjoyed in your home. Then kick his ass out. Simple

kinkyfuckery · 28/12/2012 20:22

And yes, it sounds like your daughter is getting to the age when legally she can't share with her brothers.

What utter nonsense.

But yes, OP, it seems the living situation has run its course - time for him to leave.

Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:26

You heard a rumour about your DH borrowing money ? Why the hell don't you know this stuff ? If that's the case, invoice him for 3 years rent, food, bills. My conservative estimate puts that at about 15 grand.

Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:28

Invoice BIL obvs.

But lack of legal requirement notwithstanding, your DD will find puberty a lot less uncomfortable if she doesn't have to share a bedroom with brothers.

Original poster
slushpuppies · 28/12/2012 20:28

TidyDancer, yes I have posted about him before. I've stamped my foot and gone blue in the face AND dh banned me from discussing anything about this on MN in case his family sees, hence the name change.

This is the final straw, no more nice sister-in-law. He wants to slump on my sofa, watching my TV, then sleep in my (other) bed till lunch time then I'll make damned sure he knows I'm not happy about it.

Thing is, if he acted like a BIL i.e. caring, playing with kids, helping out, actully talking instead of texting other randoms it could be lovely having him here. But it is not.

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:31

He doesn't give a shit whether you are happy. He and DH know that you will shout and then nothing will change.

You need to give him notice to leave.

Original poster
slushpuppies · 28/12/2012 20:31

It's bloody asian families innit! Certain family members (ie youngest sons) can get away with freeloading and not having to do a single f**ing thing. If anyone knows the word on MN, i'm the Bhabi and should be tolerating, loving, caring, and looking after BIL in all respects

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:33

In fact how about taking photos of the mess you came back to and emailing them to the family, just so they're in no doubt about your reasons ? Or the dreaded FB?

WandaDoff · 28/12/2012 20:34

I've got a live-in BIL at the moment.

His DP died unexpectedly a few months back & he ended up with nowhere to stay at the beginning of Dec, so we've let him move in with us for the meantime.

He gave us lovely Xmas presents, he fixes things about the house for fun, he's much neater than us actually, so he's always elbow deep in the sink or hoovering or some such.

He's already driving me NUTS, & he's not even been here a month yet. This will definitely not be turning into a permanent situation.

I have no idea how you've managed in your situation for as long as you have but I take my hat off to you. Three YEARS! Bloody hell.

You know it needs to stop though. He's taking the piss, take the matter in hand, because the longer you leave it, the harder its going to be.

My sympathies & good luck.

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2012 20:34

Why the fuck is he not paying rent or bills?! Why did he move in in the first place? He'll still be there in 10 years if you let this carry on.

Inertia · 28/12/2012 20:35

I don't know the cultural terminology sorry. I only know that your children will continue to miss out unless you actually do something about this freeloader.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 28/12/2012 20:39

Bless you op, sounds awful

dinkystinky · 28/12/2012 20:42

Sod that OP - guve him a week to shape up or ship out.

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2012 20:43

Yet again, someone else letting these piss taking freeloading twats come before their own children.

Original poster
slushpuppies · 28/12/2012 20:46

Inertia - love it!

WandaDoff - I'll happily swap with you if want! Smile

He started off with us as an attempt to get him out of the ghetto and working etc. DH found him a job, which he still does full-time.

I don't want the kids to think this is normal behaviour for an adult man. The whole rest of my in-laws think of him as a boy, not a man, and I feel like the odd one out for feeling that he should bloody grow up and stand on his own two feet.

Also I do feel like a complete mug for sleep walking into this and taking my husband's silence as agreement whenever I moan about bil (which i try not to before you all think i'm a total nagging whinger)

Ok, you've all decided me. Time for New Year's Resolutions. Gonna have that chat in front of bil AND dh

OP posts:
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