I am not expecting much sympathy for my complaint but I just need to offload. I'm really struggling to bring up my two toddlers. They are 18 months apart and were/are my dream come true but it's so fucking hard.
When I have read others saying similar things about struggling with little ones the general consensus seems to be 'well my gran had 28 kids and she never complained' or 'they are only little for a short while, you'll miss this as they get older'. Well atm I just can't wait to get this stage over with.
I adore them and of course I love them with all my heart but why are they so unreasonable (i know why, it's because they are toddlers).
I had two close together because of health issues, basically the advice was: 'it's now or never". A family is everything I ever dreamed of but I just didn?t expect it to be this hard. Sometimes I just want to scream or run away.
It doesn?t help that I have severe PND; I was also blessed with extreme SPD from which I haven?t recovered so every day is a mental and physical struggle. My own mum is an NPD riddled fire breathing violent and abusive woman and my siblings and I have all been affected in different ways, the upshot being that I don't have any family support. My DH has little or no family to speak of; subsequently we have 'managed' everything on our own. My DH is the most supportive man I could ever hope to meet but honestly I am bringing him down with my inability to manage and he really can?t understand why I find the kids so hard.
They are not the same around him though, they are obviously picking something up from my mood, when they see me they become desperate cling ons, both wanting cuddles, carrying and not wanting to share me with the other. The youngest is always shrieking and screaming if I put him down for a minute and always pushed the eldest off my lap or pulling her hair, They are always fighting and snatching off each other so I cant even leave the room for a fucking minute. To help me to feel better I paid a substantial sum to have a colour and style consultation but most days I look like someone who doesn?t give a shit about themselves. Even when I do dress nicely and put on makeup (rare) they wreck my hair & wipe crap all over my clothes.
My husband often takes the kids off me when he?s home to give me 'me time' which I love but the feeling doesn?t last as I when i return they always revert to screaming shrieking chaos.
i am not coping with anything, the GP just keeps recommending different anti Ds. i have had counselling and am 'having' CBT. i've been reassured by professionals that everything is normal, the kids, my responses but if it's normal why is it so fucking shit? why don't any other mothers i know feel the same way? All the other women i meet seem serene with beatific smiles and when i broach the subject of struggling people look really shocked , those with two or more say things like 'oh it's no different having one more to look after' 'bring it on' and that sort of thing. Most people seem to find it good fun which makes me hate myself even more.
I feel guilty about feeling this way, i find it hard to give my kids constant stimulation when i try to read to them it always ends in massive rivalry, fighting, pulling hair etc as they both either want me or the book to themselves. I can't give them one to one attention at the same time as the little on always wants what the other one has and leaving them alone to 'learn through play' but it doesn't last long because they always end up in a snatching incident.
the worst thing of all is that they have both given up on daytime naps so not only are they up all day marauding and tormenting but they are also knackered and volatile. I take them out to groups and park etc but geting out of the house is a fucking nightmare. In toddler groups the eldest is always unhappy unless she's on my lap and the same at the park, she wants to be with me all the time which makes it hard for the little one to get any enjoyment from the day. I don't work as it didn't work out well with nursery fees and every day is a non stop slog.
I'm aware that i sound like an ungrateful useless bitch, i have tried to do all the positive stuff like counting my blessings, all the counselling, drugs, CBT etc. but nothing is making any difference. why aren't i doing it better?