to not have children due to history of depression / anxiety?

[Bellagirl1985]

I have suffered from depression at various times in my life and I also suffer from anxiety / get quite worried / paranoid quite a lot. However I am aware of these issues and try everything I can to control them (taking lots of exercise, avoiding alcohol which makes things worse, keeping busy and involved in lots of stuff, getting a good amount of sleep, having great friends to chat to etc) so most of the time I lead a very normal life, although occassionally it gets the better of me.

I am aware that both my siblings have suffered from spells of depression too, and I recently found out that my Mum had quite bad depression when she was younger.

I don't have kids yet but I do worry that if I do I could pass on the depression?

I also worry that I am a prime candidate to suffer from post-natal depression as I get really down if I have to stay at home for any length of time (which would be the case with a young baby of course) and also if I don't get a decent amount of sleep and get to exercise regularly I start to feel very down and the anxiety kicks in. DP works away a lot and my parents live 300 miles away so I would be on my own with any kids a lot too, which worries me.

I think I want kids, but I am not the most maternal person in the world so I also think I could live without them, if you know what I mean. DP feels the same. We are both early 30s so probably need to start giving this some thought.

AIBU to consider not having kids for the above reasons?

It's perfectly reasonable for you to consider not having kids for any reason at all. (Dreadful sentence construction, but you know what I mean, I hope!)

It's hard to say. I've suffered depression & anxiety for most of my life too, but I've never regretted having my DS, even though it's been extremely hard at times.

I have no answer for you, but good for you for not thinking that having a baby will make everything better, like lots of people do. I admire you for having the guts to try and reach the right decision - whatever that is.

About passing on the depression... I don't really know the answer to that part but it's something that crosses my mind occasionally about my own children and it worries me.

However, I don't think that having had previous depression necessarily means that you are likely to get it in the post natal period. I had a period of severe depression when I was younger, so I worried throughout my first pregnancy that if would "come back" when my baby was born. I was terrified actually. But, it didn't come back. Not after my first or second DC's were born (although I was quite anxious during pregnancy).

In fact, I coped surprisingly well with the new-born period both times and felt really energetic and happy. In a way, I think my previous experiences helped a bit. When you suffer from anxiety, worrying is part of life so the shock of worrying about a baby doesn't come as a surprise. The same goes for the days when you are tired, weepy and a bit down - those days are absolutely nothing compared to the tiredness/pain of severe depression.

Based just on the people I know (and not on any scientific evidence at all!) the women who have suffered from post-natal depression have always been the ones I would have LEAST expected to get it because they are people who are normally so calm, in control and able to cope with life. I have wondered if it's because being a mother is so much more of a shock when you are used to being in control and not especially emotional. Whereas, if you have experience of bring a bit "all over the place" emotionally (that's not intended to insult anyone else, just describing how I have sometimes felt when I've suffered from anxiety/depression) then those first months after birth don't seem so out of the ordinary.

Anyway, I've had a bit of a ramble there . Not sure if that is any help or not! It's just that this has been on my mind recently as am pregnant again and I was talking to my health visitor about this subject and saying that I still worry about post-natal depression a little bit, even though I have been fine with the other two.

I agree that it's good that you are thinking about all this and reflecting on whether you really want children, rather than launching into parenthood thinking it will all be a bed of roses.

Whether you decide to have children or not, the process of really considering it and the impact it will have and the kind of parent you'll be is valuable. So many

So many people have babies without really thinking through why they want them and what the downsides as well as the upsides might be, so good on you for taking such a big decision seriously

I've suffered from anxiety a couple of times in the past and could not function normally at all during those periods and was really worried that I wouldn't cope with pregnancy/birth and a baby.

When DH and I were talking about children and how I might cope we did a lot of research into PND and PN anxiety and I went to the doctor during my pregnancy to discuss feeling worried about possibly becoming anxious after the birth(!). No-one can say whether or not you would suffer afterwards, but if you are aware you might struggle then forewarned is forearmed. Definitely think about what support you might be able to have around you if family is far away and DH works away.

If you are worried about passing on a genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety to your children, then I admit I worried about that too. I just hope that DH's laid-back gene has been passed on to DD. I'm surprisingly more calm and a lot less neurotic and worried now I actually have my DD (9months) so I'm hoping that a calm and confident household will also have an impact on my DD's personality and ability to cope with stress and worry in her own life.

DH and I decided not to have children largely due to my Aspergers, anxiety and depression. I had concerns about both passing it on and how I'd cope.

I love children though and its great being an auntie to DH's cousin's kids.If DH really wanted a child I wouldn't have denied him but on the understanding that he'd have had the lion's share of the parenting.

At least you are self-aware.

I am the child of a parent with depression and I think it could have been handled far better - the issue isn't so much about whether you pass on depression but about the quality of parenting you can offer. My childhood sucked not because I had a mentally ill parent but because that parent did not receive adequate treatment or support and because their needs were prioritised over anyone else's.

That said I don't think it's a reason to avoid having kids in and of itself. And anyone can get PND. But you do need to really think through the issues. To be honest you don't sound like you want kids, and if your DP works away a lot the kids could end up parenting you.

Are you on medication? If not, should you be?
Are you in therapy? Ditto?
Is your depression down to any tangible life event ie is it reactive, or is it more a chemical imbalance type situ?
Would you have a support network aside from your partner?

daughter and i are depressives, but we didn't have pnd, due to extended breastfeeding.

if you're on meds, discuss the possibility of pregnancy with your medical team.

my mum is a very serious depressive, bipolar, schizophrenic (and all those terms have been used in medical reports about her, and also 'paranoid') and now she has alzheimers too. growing up with her wasn't pleasant (and in fact, having her as a mother is not pleasant now) but i wouldn't have wanted not to exist.

but don't have children unless you really want them.

PND is not compulsory if you have had depression before. As others have said, previous depression makes you more self aware and you can usually ask for help when the signs show, before it gets too bad.

I'm so pleased to be able to tell you that I didn't get PND and I was really rather worried about getting it. I made sure I signed up for some mum and baby activities (baby hymns at the church and baby gymnastics) and DH took him to baby swimming so I got an hours peace every week. I could walk to the chruch, and walked to the local supermarket every other day, so I did get out a little bit. TBH there are so many baby things in the UK you would be able to go out every day if you wanted to! You could look at the MN local page for starters.

It might be worth contacting the HV at your Drs surgery to see what they suggest. They will be able to refer you if you develop PND but they may also be able to get you to some specialst support to prevent it developing.

I found myself a couple of projects to do while I was at home which I would recommend. Did my family tree online (which was fascinating) and I did a sewing course while I was pregnant so I could do little bits here and there.

I think you shouldn't have children in your current circumstances, where you have very little company and support. I also think you could do with some support from professionals prior to and after the birth. It would be very sad, though, if this problem prevented you from having children.

My daughter suffers from depression at times and it was definitely inherited from her father. She has said she won't have children of her own, but will adopt. It's not something she's planning at the moment as she's in her early twenties and I hope she changes her mind, tbh.

You seem really on track with regard to taking control of your life. My daughter has found similar things affect her - she has to take regular exercise, has to spend time outdoors each day, has to see friends even if she doesn't want to at that moment, has to eat sensibly etc. She does drink too much sometimes and I worry about this as alcohol is such a depressant.

I worry about her and PND so I know where you're coming from, but I think if you seek help early on you should be fine.

Best of luck - you seem a lovely and thoughtful person.

This may sound like a strange reply, but I fully expect to get post-natal depression as many of the 'flags' apply to me. However, I also fully expect to get through it.

It's completely up to you of course but I personally don't feel past history of depression (or any other MH problem for that matter) are an automatic bar to having children :)

Porridge, I believe you can take antidepressants while pregnant that will reduce the chance of PND. Certainly you should speak to a doctor while you're pregnant if you believe you are at risk.

You sound incredibly brave and I'm sure you'll be a lovely mum.

I feel the same OP. I have a personality disorder and get bouts of depression. I'm not so worried about those being passed down so much as I am worried about messing up my children's heads.

My mum has mental health issues, undiagnosed and untreated. It ruined my childhood and has fucked my head up.

I'm not too bothered about having kids anyway, so it's not a huge deal in a way. But I do feel sad that it doesn't even feel like a valid choice for me.

Thanks, Imperial :)

I've never actually taken ADs, although I did have some diazepan once when my anxiety levels were raging out of control. Mostly, the risk factor comes from lack of support, from having lost my own mother as an adolescent (which is apparently one of the biggest red flags for PND) and from severe MH difficulties in the family: my brother has schizophrenia and my own mum had severe PND which sadly never really left her.

It is a worry but by now I have enough faith in myself to know I'll come through the thorns to the stars.

OP of course YANBU to consider the question. But remember, nobody's perfect and we could all pass something on to our children (eg high risk of breast cancer, or propensity for depression, or a funny shaped nose, etc).

AND anybody could develop depression or anxiety, even if their parents never had it.

AND although there is a slight genetic predisposition to depression/anxiety, that does NOT mean that your children will necessarily suffer from these problems. Lots of other things affect vulnerability to mental health problems, such as having a secure attachment to responsive caregivers in the early years, having support and encouragement from caregivers, etc. So there would be an awful lot you could do to affect your children's risk of depression.

I know you're worried about getting PND. Well there is a slightly increased risk of PND amongst people who have had depression before, but that does NOT mean that you will necessarily get PND.

Having children is such a life-changing thing that it's hard to know how it will affect you. People who expect to love every second can get PND, and people who thought they'd struggle with a life of nappies and grizzling (like me) can end up loving it.

And support services can be quite good for people with PND (not that this makes it OK to have PND in the first place!) In the psychology department where I work, women who are pregnant or who have young babies go straight to the top of the waiting list because it's recognised how important it is to give them help and support.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Sorry, posted before I saw your latest post, OP, so I didn't know about your mum etc. I still mean what I wrote, but maybe I should have phrased it all in a less flippant tone.

My mum had (has) post natal psychosis (a severe form of PND). She was ill on and off for the first 12 years of my life: then relapsed again (twice) last year after 20 years of stability.

Growing up was horrific... And her relapse last year was just horrible... We never tout we'd have to face it again.

I've been told I have a 1 in 10 chance of developing it if I have kids (the chance of the general population without a first generation relative suffering from it is between 1 in 100 and 1 in 500).

I had a chat with mum's shrink and he said 'the chance that you may develop it is not a reason not to start a family. I cannot understand that attitude. To me, it's every reason not to start a family... I don't want my children suffering like I did.

At the moment, we're looking into adoption, but finding it difficult to convince the social workers that I won't simply change my mind. (DH is also infertile, but we have ruled out even attempting IVF and they don't seem to understand why).

Anyway, sorry this has turned into a post about me.

My point is... YANBU to be worried. But it's worth talking to a doctor and doing lots of research to understand the risk factors and then working out what's right for you

I wish you lots of luck.

Thought, not tout!

I suppose the thing is, anything could happen. That is the worst part of being a parent and the big gaping fear that all of us face. Having a diagnosis adds an extra element to that, but it's not as though anyone has discovered a 'depression' or 'anxiety' gene, and nor are they likely to. I mean, it's not the same as having some kind of physical condition that is properly heritable - knowledge about MH issues is way behind other branches of medicine - you only need to look at treatment options to know that. And as others have said, how you react to birth and parenting is profoundly individual. So just because you might, for example, have some kind of relapse if you were to say lose your job or whatever, it doesn't mean that you would relapse just because you've become a parent. Even if you think you know yourself, it doesn't mean that you know how you will be when you are a parent. Sorry if that isn't helpful but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there are no concrete answers, but then there aren't for anyone who is considering parenthood, whether they have a diagnosis or not. It's difficult.

Big history of depression on both sides of my family. At the moment, this is the major reason I've decided not to have them (even though I would love one). I may think about adoption.

I mean, I also have difficulties in that area- if I were fine I would consider it properly!

MrsBW....how amazingly insensitive people have been to you! good luck with the adoption.

I'm bipolar. This means that my chances of PND/psychosis were pretty high. Also a chance of the kids inheriting (tho statistically more likely to be their cousins..)

However my personal belief is that you need to make such life changing decisions as to have/not have kids on an individual basis. Also forewarned is to some extent forearmed.

Lots of people develop PND (and puerpal psychosis) with no history and many with a history of illness are fine.

If you want to have kids then you will work hard to make sure you have support and this is available to you.

Lots of people transmit hereditory illnesses they are unaware of. Being aware means you are much more in control of the situation.

I went on to have x4 DS. Ha psychosis and PND but planned for this and had support. Wouldn't say it was easy but personally would make same choices again.

Good Luck

Loverofwine... I'd love kids so but am just too nervous at the moment about the consequences so i'm not sure it's simply a matter of 'working hard'.

I find it really interesting that you knew you were at risk of puerperal psychosis, and suffered it... But went on to have 4 kids (my mum stopped after me). It sounds like you had good support that helped you through...and that's totally at odds with my experiences which so far are totally putting me off attempting to start a family.

If I PM'd you, would you be willing to share your story with me (please don't feel obliged)... It's just interesting to hear of someone with a different experience and makes me wonder if my opinions should be challenged...

I have 2 dcs and have been on various meds for depression since my late teens.

I have had a bit of a blip mental health wise a few months after each birth, but nothing major. As others have said I knew the signs v well and sought help promptly both times before things got too bad. For someone who has never been depressed Pnd must be much more of a shock than it was to me.

The temporary disruption to my mental health is more than worth it. I admit I do worry I've passed on a tendency to depression but try not to worry- anybody's dcs could be depressed and I may actually be better equipped to know what to do than other mums. I also have read up about how to support my kids to have a healthy attitude to life to help them get through ups and downs.

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you don't ever have children? The early years as a mum can be tough, but I think I personally find the thought of a life without kids more depressing (I know a lot of people are happy being childless, but I fear my life would be a bit empty without them).

Good luck with whatever you decide.