to not have children due to history of depression / anxiety?

[Bellagirl1985]

I have suffered from depression at various times in my life and I also suffer from anxiety / get quite worried / paranoid quite a lot. However I am aware of these issues and try everything I can to control them (taking lots of exercise, avoiding alcohol which makes things worse, keeping busy and involved in lots of stuff, getting a good amount of sleep, having great friends to chat to etc) so most of the time I lead a very normal life, although occassionally it gets the better of me.

I am aware that both my siblings have suffered from spells of depression too, and I recently found out that my Mum had quite bad depression when she was younger.

I don't have kids yet but I do worry that if I do I could pass on the depression?

I also worry that I am a prime candidate to suffer from post-natal depression as I get really down if I have to stay at home for any length of time (which would be the case with a young baby of course) and also if I don't get a decent amount of sleep and get to exercise regularly I start to feel very down and the anxiety kicks in. DP works away a lot and my parents live 300 miles away so I would be on my own with any kids a lot too, which worries me.

I think I want kids, but I am not the most maternal person in the world so I also think I could live without them, if you know what I mean. DP feels the same. We are both early 30s so probably need to start giving this some thought.

AIBU to consider not having kids for the above reasons?

I have a similar history to you, and thought it through for ages. I got myself to the best possible place emotionally, and had two DDs. They are the best things that have ever happened to me. I was fine after DD1, and quite down after DD2, which lasted until she was 9 months old. However, I KNEW that this was because of having no sleep, a baby who threw up and howled constantly, and lots to adjust to. I have been fine for the past four years.

You sound like a lovely person, who would make a great mum. It's good that you're considering all the options and thinking carefully about this. I hope you reach a decision you'll be happy with. Don't assume you won't be able to cope though. My DDs have improved life beyond measure for me.

MrsBW PM away

I have Borderline Personality Disorder - have been sectioned in the past, have a history of self harm and suicide attempts, have been on various meds for years, am psychotic at times... I am also a single mother to the most amazing three year old boy in the world.

You sound like you are very aware of your health, and I think this is more important than anything else. Being educated about your mental state, doing what you can to control it, and knowing the signs when you are slipping are things that every parent could benefit from.

Depression and anxiety are not hereditary, and recently I have come to the conclusion (through my therapy course) that I am actually a better parent when I am well because of my illness. It makes me more understanding and accepting of DS's moods, and have opened my eyes to the way I want to parent, in order to reduce the risks of him feeling the way I do in the future. For example, I never tell him not to feel a certain way, but aim to find a way for him to express it more effectively for both of us. It means that, at three, when I say to him I am having a sad / angry / tired day, he understands, and the other way around as well.

I also think having DS was also a kick up the arse for me to get more in control of my condition, to be honest, and I will always be grateful to him for that in a strange way.

In the end it has to be your choice to have children or not, but don't forbid yourself to become a mother because of a mental health condition :) There are plenty of us around There is also a lot of support in place for parents with health issues in a lot of places. If you choose not to have children, then be happy with your choice - but don't let something like depression hold you back.

"Can you imagine what your life would be like if you don't ever have children? "

What a stupid, leading question. Can you IMAGINE, not EVER having children? Erm, yes.

Well.. My grandad committed suicide due to bi polar disorder, my dads siblings have had obvious mental health issues and I myself have suffered with anxiety, panic disorder and on and off depression since I was a teenager.

I'm glad I was born, life is good 90% on the time. If my father had decided not to have me due to family history then I wouldn't exist!

It never occurred to me not to have children.

If you don't want to have children though you don't have to.. It's isn't obligatory!

But if you became a parent you would be in a good place to support your dc - you have learnt coping strategies and to understand your illness.

Are there any support agencies that can offer advice for parenting with depression and anxiety?

My family have a history of depression, my paternal grandfather and father were both bipolar. I have had no problems with depression or anxiety at all, my sister suffers from both. I have had two children and suffered from PTSD after a traumatic birth with DS, but this was completely dealt with after some excellent care and hypnosis from the private midwife who looked after me when I was pregnant with DD. I had no issues at all after having DD. My sister, who stopped taking anti d's when she fell pregnant with her third, has never suffered with PND. She is an amazing mother and I am completely in awe of her and her beautiful children.

Oh, and I should add that my dad's sister is schizophrenic so there is a real mental health background.

Higgyjig- I'm really sorry you feel my question was stupid and leading, it really wasn't meant that way. As I also said I understand many people live very happy child free lives.

For me personally though the strain on my mental health has been worthwhile because I do struggle to see myself spending the next few decades without kids. So it is worthwhile for me, obviously the decision for others may be different. I just thought op was thinking of all the potential problems of having dcs, but is she happy with NOT having them (if she is that's great). Looking back she does state she thinks she could live without them.

higgyjig I think you added the emphasis there, not the OP

It seems to me you think you should have children but deep down you know it would not be a great idea for you, your dp or the theoretical kids... I have plenty of friends without kids who are q content/fulfilled in their 40s and 50s and have never regretted it. If you had more friends without kids you might see it differently. (By the why, why ask mumsnet the question when we are more likely to be pro kids?)

and i apologise for assuming that imnotcutes post was from the op, but it seems a very sensible post to me and i stand by that higgyjig you add emphasis where it isn't intended

Lots of what I might say has been said. I'd reiterate that, if you are aware of your condition, how it affects you and how to deal with it, you will be unusually well prepared to cope as a mother in some ways, in looking after yourself and supporting your child in their emotional development.

Definitely discuss it. There appears to be a lot of professional support available. I didn't have PND so didn't have to use it but it was pretty clear I could have called at any time in the early weeks and seen someone within the day. I expect your GP would discuss and refer you to relevant people now.

My own bit of personal experience is that going into motherhood expecting it to be hard work and with a range of life experiences behind me, has provided an excellent context and, to some extent, preparation. Enforced sleeplessness in early babyhood has been nothing like as bad as the insomnia I experienced with depression. For one thing I am properly tired so can sleep whenever the opportunity arises and, when I am woken in the night, it's by my baby, who is lovely. The hormones are pretty helpful too.

I feel like I knew this would be hard work and cause broken sleep, it is. I've experienced hard work and broken sleep before, this experience fits within that context, it does not surpass it, except in the reason for it, which is a lovely, rewarding one.