Walking in on IL's talking about me

[poppywillows]

Just walked in on the IL's talking about me. They looked awkward and i didnt say anything, just walked off. MIL dashed over and said they were talking about one thing, SIL said they were discussing something else. If it was innocent convrsation then why the awkwardness when i walked in!! Im really upset as ive put up with this behaviour throughout my life from bullies and im so unconfrontational that im just quietly getting upset while still in their house. What can i do?

Ooh this brought back memories of me walking into my exDH's SM's (keep up :)) kitchen and finding her and a mutual friend bitching about me. Horrific!

I had to sit in their living room alone for hours as 'the menfolk' had gone out for the day (whole other story) so I just got on with it and didn't give anyone the satisfaction of kicking off - the SM really didn't like me.

A few months later, the mutual friend apologised to me but the SM never did. I never confronted her - what did it matter what she was saying. I knew how she felt about me. What good would it do? I'd just be more hurt knowing the details.

Having said that, I was only in my early 20s then. Now, I'd be all assertive and shit

Im wondering if i should tell my DH as hes very protective of his family and would just see me as being awkward. In fact, my parents did the same to my husband and he was very hurt when he found out. I guess some women will always bitch behind peoples backs..i just dont want to be seen as weak. I feel the moments gone now to say something! Just want to go home :(

Imogen,how awful for you. When I came out of my hotel on my wedding day a woman was walking up the corridor, stopped and did a theatrical bottom to top stare and said, "euuugh, well each to their own, I suppose" I never forgot it, but to have your family members do that is fecking horrendous.

Stop with the passive aggressive behaviour, either have it out or forget about it but "doing the distant thing" makes you no better than them.

Grow up.

So how do you know they were talking about you if you don't know what was said?

But it could be about something nice they are planning for the OP!

perhaps they were talking about a topic that they know you don't like. my in laws have long realised that I don't like a certain topic of conversation they have so save it for when i'm not there, they would probably react the same way as yours if i walked in the room

on the other hand, i don't really care if people talk about me behind my back - sometimes people need to vent, rather than come on MN they talk to a friend/relative. Just because someone may have been talking about you doesn't mean they don't like you or think you are a terrible person.

I'd much rather my SIL complained about the xmas present I got her behind my back rather than looking at it like it was a piece of shit when she opened it!

Also, why do you assume it wasn't your husband they were talking about, or something minor and inconsequential?

If it was an innocent conversation, why did they jump up to their own defense and each make up a different story, even though the op said nothing.

It's not passive aggressive, the op has posted that she had previous experience of bullying and doesn't know how to deal with it in a confrontational way.

The comments we were making were completely flippant in the hope of cheering up the op in an awfully awkward situation.

Sheesh!

It could have been some genuine concern over a health or job issue? My own mum used to think that whispering meant the subject of remarks couldn't hear her. It drove me wild. I'd say, "Speak up I can't hear you!"

If I were you, as the immediate moment has passed, I'd wait until you leave, stand tall, look MIL in the eye and say quietly, "Anything constructive you'd like to say to my face before we leave?" but you have to mean it and hear her out.

In fairness, families do sometimes give out about each other behind each other's backs. It's unfortunate that you walked in when you did, but these things happen, people are human. I wouldn't make a big issue or confrontation out of it. Even if they were saying something like "Poppywillows really shouldn't give in to the kids like that" or "Why did Poppywillows wear that dress. It really doesn't suit her" it's not the end of the world and doesn't mean they don't like you. I wouldn't necessarily assume they were saying something terrible, just because they looked embarassed when they realised you'd overheard a bit of the conversation.

The actual facts of the situation are this: you walked in on a conversation which went quiet and the people concerned were a bit awkward and non-committal and you may have heard you name mentioned.

For all sorts of reasons people have conversations they might not want all an sundry to hear, it could be health related, work related, money related, all conversations I wouldn't want to be overheard.

I think you are whistling in the dark if you don't know what was being said. The fact your name cropped up doesn't necessarily imply the conversation was about you or even if anything negative is being said.

I'd leave it and drop the moody-act it is childish and puts your firmly in the wrong. I'd go as far as to say it is borderline bullying to deliberately make people feel so uncomfortable in their own home, over what could be an imagined slight. If you keep up the Ice-maiden act, that WILL get you talked/gossiped about.

No-one was advising her to be petulant ffs, we were being flippant, and the op took it as a joke in the way it was meant.

In the same way as she didn't clean the toilet with the toothbrushes.

Exactly imogen caught discussing your SIL's miscarriage when she specifically didn't want anyone talking. Bet you felt a right tw*t.

I would have left soon after to be honest, if you feel uncomfortable.
Have you asked them OP?

How rude of some of you to be so nasty! You werent there and my name was NOT talked about in a nice way. Thanks to the constructive comments though. I was polite yet probably a little distant because i was upset. Thats understandable. Im sure they must know i heard or am upset. Thats enough for me. I'm going to forget it but keep in mind that they have 'two faces'!

Bless you OP how upsetting. It would drive me mad wondering what it was about.

To be honest, all of my family and my inlaws discuss people as soon as they leave with pil we actually all fall silent for a minute to make sure they have actually left before we start talking about them. I am fully aware they do this to me too but I am confident enough to not care.
I can't really see why you are that bothered really.

As you are leaving, just say 'next time please wait until I have left before you talk about me' and walk out.

On the other hand you could suggest they post whatever it was they are talking about, which you still don't know, or have told us, to a bunch of internet strangers.

Kind of thing.