To hope it doesn't happen for my sister in law just yet...

[pamplem0usse]

So my in laws are trying for a baby. they are also planning on going to a wedding next Christmas the other side of the world. They have extracted an offer from my mil to nanny for them if they have a baby by then.
I'm very cross that theyre prepared to take my dc much loved granny away from them at this time of year (they'll be 3 and 1).

MASSIVE backstory: my in laws have been trying for a baby without success for a little over two years. DH and I have tried desperately hard to be supportive (e.g. over the 'announcement' of the pregnancy of our 3mo). In return we get a constant barrage of unwanted parenting advice and open hostility. I know - but can never understand - it must be awful for her. But there is no excuse for:

1. Suggesting my bil takes home a long forgotten toy from my pil that my 2 yo loves 'if its his'
2. Ignores my children
3. Sent a frankly vile email to me last may having refused to see me because i was pregnanct. among my crimes: not asking her before getting pregnant; suggesting we go out for a drink to talk - apparently my lack of alcohol consumption wold have been rubbing it in that i was pregnant and she was not.
4. Sent vile email to mil suggesting if she wants a continuing relationship with her she needs to stop her childcare of my dd for two days a week while i worked.
5. Ignored my birthday. not even a text. Six weeks later we left mil at family gathering as didn't want a confrontation in front of extended family as sil

And I don't want to dictate where MIL spends CHristmas. I would never dream of doing so. But a small part of me would like us all to be together for Christmas, yes. BIL and SIL went travelling over Christmas a couple of years ago and I missed them lots. SIL is fundamentally a nice person but she's got herself in a fix. Maybe I'm just fundamentally not a nice person. They're listed in our wills as the people who would have guardianship of DC if the worst should happen to us.

I just struggle to cope with the constant sniping. :(

Have you ever thought of getting together with SIL and having a chat? Ask how she is, that sort of thing?

You need to chance your will. Seriously. You can't trust your children to someone who resents their very existence.

OP has already conceded that yes she is BU.

I am also of the mind that her SILs situation is no excuse to treat OP like shite and to try to manipulate her MIL into having/not having a relationship with her.

SIL sounds vile, some of that may be down to her heartache over not yet conceiving, but her behavior is extreme and I suspect that maybe she is just not very nice?

Bad things happen to good people, but sometimes they happen to not nice people too.

Her fertility problems[and her DHs] does not automatically make her a saint.

They're listed as guardians? For heaven's sake why??? However distressing her situation at present, your SiL is being a cow and I don't see that as just being caused by their problem's conceiving.
What do your DH and his brother do about all this?

jess I've tried, really I have, but....
Invites for coffee and cake are rubbing it in because I can't drink dairy because of my bfed son's issues.
Invites for drinks were rubbing it in because I was pregnant and couldn't drink.
I text her to ask how she's doing. I've talked to her about her FI when she's taken the lead, but equally haven't felt able to directly address the issue without some 'in' as I felt it was intrusive.
DH and I have had long chats with her DH about the best road to take. He doesn't really know either TBH and we've got it in the neck for taking his advice on occasion.
I think this has really changed her :-( she was convinced she was going to have issues and now it has happened it's just confirmation that life is as unfair as she expect it to be. I can see that my having another baby before she'd had hers must be incredibly difficult, but he is my baby and my not having him (a situation she suggested would be preferable even after his birth) would not have changed that :-(

Wow your MIL really lucked out when she got you two didn't she

They were listed as guardians before either of us had children (or had started trying for them).
DH's Bro is in a sticky situation. SIL sent some very nasty emails from both of them (i.e. as if he'd signed off on it) which he denied. I don't think he knows what to do. DH is trying to support him (DBIL) too has often I think women get more support than men in those circumstances. DH is upset too but acknowledges that the worst of the behaviour is not directed at him.

You really need to stop giving in to her, until someone pulls her up and tells her she's ring incredibly rude, hurtful and spiteful she will carry on doing it.

So she hasn't been able to conceive yet, it doesn't give ger the right to be a nasty spiteful bitch. I hate to say it but she may never have children, you all going to carry on tiptoeing round her forever?

People behave like this because no one stands up to them. It's time someone told her some home truths - obviously without sinking to her level!

That's a bit harsh Greeny! OP hasn't done anything wrong!

The title and the first paragraph of the OP are wishing continued fertility problems on her SIL, because it will take her children's granny away from them for a short while next Christmas.

That takes a certain kind of special IMO, so I beg to differ Festive.

Haven't read all the posts but if I were you, I would certainly get them removed as your as potential guardians for your children - you need to choose someone who you have observed is good with your children.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable if you hope she won't conceive just because it will mean that your DCs will have one, just one, Chrismas without their gran. There should still be loads of other Christmases to spend with her. But your SiL's general behaviour really is just awful, so I think Uppermid's advice is good.

Your SIL's behaviour is not acceptable, OP and I can appreciate how awkward your relationship is. Infertility can bring out the worst in people, but of course that does not make it okay to attack others.

WRT to Granny's possible trip to Oz next Christmas you need to just accept it. You will still have a good family Christmas and there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to celebrate with granny and your BIL's family.

OP... As you had difficulty conceiving, you might be able to understand better where she is coming from. Regarding pregnancy announcement, you're surprised that a face to face meeting wasn't better received. Really? I would have thought that it would have been obvious that you would have let her know by text/letter/e-mail out of your sight to give her time to get to grips with the fact.

I realise that you're feeling sore about her behaviour (which is horrible, admittedly), but you also come across to me as staking the claim to your MIL at all costs. I wonder also how your MIL feels as you seem to be leaning heavily on her.

I feel for you that you don't have parents of your own but for this reason, I think it's important that you try to cultivate better relationships with other family members (yours and your husband's) - including extended family.

And for goodness sakes, put what you say through a 'SIL-TTC filter' before you say things. You've been there, right?

Lying clearly I don't make these comments to her.
On the pregnancy announcement front we were all supposed to be close. I spoke to several friends who had suffered from infertility about how they would prefer to be told by a close family member and they said face to face. Obviously in this case it might not have been the best move, but we tried, really we did.

MIL: I see her once a fortnight (ish) for an afternoon with the children. I really don't think that is leaning too heavily on her. RE: childcare, she asked specifically if she could be included in the arrangements we made for DD and we agreed together. She did two days a week with my DD for about 9 months term time only 9.00-3pm ish. A big commitment yes, but as I work from home if she ever had another arrangement I stepped in (as I should have as her mother).
RE: the comments about cultivating better relationships, I would put money on my SIL not knowing how I felt about her behaviour.

I wouldn't worry about the Christmas thing but I do think your SIL sounds absolutely awful. There is no way I would allow someone like that to be a guardian to my child and I would get that changed immediately. I am actually already feelilng sorry for her future child as she really does sound a bit unhinged.

Stop trying to meet up with her - it's not benefitting you, and the last thing someone struggling to conceive wants is coffee/drinks with someone who has a baby. That in itself is unreasonable I suppose, but it's just how it is. On some level she will hate you for the enormous good luck you have had.

I agree with Greeny.

I dont think op is being unreasonable-she is hurt and tired and her s-i-l is being a total bitch.of course it is unreasonable to want to prolong her s-i-l's misery but it sounds as though s-i-l is doing her level best to make op miserable too. I hope the inlaws take matters in hand and make sure the s-i-l feels loved and supported but is left in no doubt of the equal love and support for op.
Op's dc may well be the only dgc the grandparents have.They should be allowed to enjoy them.

Thegreylady you are contradicting yourself! Even if you have sympathy for the OP she is being unreasonable to hope that her SIL's infertility lasts longer.

My parents are divorced, as are dp's, meaning we have four sets of grandparents to accommodate at Christmas. Our solution is to have four celebrations spread out over December. Dd (2) bloody loves it- four parties!- and it means her presents are spread out too which I think is good for a v young child.

Christmas Day itself needn't be the only day for a special celebration. Could you arrange something on a different day with mil, IF this scenario comes to pass? Your kids certainly won't quibble over what specific day they celebrate with Granny. Also your sil wouldn't need to be there- bonus!

As for your sil, you've said you know yabu re the baby thing. jealousy is a hugely destructive emotion and it would be good for you to distance yourself, at least emotionally. I know how hard that is as my mil is very jealous of me and it causes some terrible behaviour. I'm not sure I've mastered the art of distancing, but I know it's what I need to do!

The op's actual AIBU question was:

AIBU to want pregnancy not to happen for them just yet so my DC get granny at home next Christmas?

There is absolutely nothing that the sil could do or say that would make it in any way reasonable to hope that someone who has been ttc-ing for over two years wouldn't get pregnant.

One more thing (sorry). With my jealous mil I try my utmost to have compassion, and it really helps me. When she is misbehaving I think, I don't need to score points with this person. I have everything I want and need, I am happy. I don't need to win battles with her and I can rise above her behaviour even if it stings.

One Christmas is nothing when you consider what you have year-round. If you can let it go, you'll be the bigger person.

Good point okthen

Fair enough, OP. You don't have to put up with your SIL's nasty comments either. You're a human being and she needs to treat you like one, make no apologies for that.

Ignore her, distance yourself from her and hope that her behaviour improves when she realises that you won't put up with it anymore.

I wonder if your MIL has any pearls of wisdom to help? You've asked your friends in similar position and been advised from their side, which didn't work, but you tried.